Surgery Monday August 8th

[jsewell]

I am having yet another surgery this coming Monday. Everything got scheduled so fast after my spine surgeon and I decided to do this. Actually it was me. We have tried everything to relieve my lower back/hip pain. Also leg pain and the most worry some to me is leg weakness. 3 sets of shots, physical therapy,time have all not helped.
My official consent form states: Lumbar Hardware removal, revision fusion thoracic seven through lumbar 4./laminectomy
I am fused through L2, but he may extend the fusion if he sees the need. I am ready to stop taking pain meds, but not sure i am ready for more surgery. Just for the pain to go away.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Wishing you the best with your upcoming surgery and recovery. Please keep us posted on your recovery as you're able!

[jsewell]

Thanks Maria

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I have such mixed feelings about your very soon, upcoming surgery. Pain is a serious motivator and the sooner it's gone the better - BTDT but another surgery, again. I'm exhausted for you but hopeful your pain will be gone forever and you can once and for all, say good-bye to that 7 letter word.

I guess it's like my meds. I resent the need for them but am grateful for their help.

My thoughts will be with you on Monday and please post when you can.

Dale

[jsewell]

Thanks Dale although i am very grateful for pain meds, they do nothing for the muscle weakness in my legs. Part of it is caused by my prednisone use a few years ago, but it is getting worse. People are always asking me if i need help getting up, it is embarrassing to me and makes me feel old.
My pain management doc told me she would advise against surgery if it was only the back pain, but the leg weakness and numbness , she told me i cannot let that go on.

I just hope this works, my legs are also in pain as well which is now affecting my left knee. I just feel like i am falling apart and hope to feel better once i have recovered.
CAn;t believe i am having another surgery on my spine.
Today though, is a beach day!!!!!
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I do feel as Dale does re another back surgery/or surgery and I don't know that I would undergo another one so soon after any other surgery then again my last spine surgery was in '92 and I went until about 2005/2006 still contemplating more surgery/getting set up for more spine surgery and then finally feeling better enough that I'm satisfied w/the meds and how I function.

That isn't to say I rule out future surgeries as something might give and I feel that would be the right option for me as well so I guess that's where you're at right now and since you are there (mentally/physically) I really hope your surgery works out as you desire and the best possible outcome occurs!

I've been walking and exercising a bit more and the exercise seems to cause a bit of a stir down there as I can tell when I sit and get up my back is saying "thank you very very much!!!" How I wish I could sit and sit... oh well, I'm glad for what I can do now as it's an improvement over where I was when I wanted surgery.

And I guess that's what you're hoping for too .. improvement! Go girl!!

[jsewell]

Thanks Maria,
I have had a lot of surgeries in the last 4 years. I think this is # 12, but not sure. Some have had no choice but to be close together.
I could deal with the pain, but i can't even figure out how to get on the floor or how to get up once i am there, my legs are that weak.!!! That is what worries me, if it is not my spine, then what is it??
I am hoping for some relief.
Are you in San Diego today, i am planning on the beach in a few hours!
judy

[Hooch]

That looks like a big op, is it a gutter or interbody fusion?

Best wishes Judy, I know you've got to do what you've got to do, I hope everything goes according to plan and you can look foward to getting some decent function back.

[Maria]

Not today. I was at the doctor's in the afternoon for 2 hours and then at the lab and just got home. That wiped me out! I was thinking I had a flare up of Interstitial Cystitis but it may be more than that so hence the labs. I'm supposed to leave for SD either tomorrow or within the next few days. I don't drive the freeway so will take the train if I can get a ride to the station as I can't stand to use the BRs on the bus (which is far closer to me, easier and cheaper to take but right now I don't thing I can hang with a two hour bus ride).

And it's not even about my back this time! Wow! As I always say.. if it ain't one thing it's another

Yes I'd be concerned with the degree of weakness you're having as well. I do hope that improves greatly after your surgery.

If you went to the beach today I hope you had a GREAT time! Wish I could have gotten to the last beach thingy..my feet have been doing real well of late and I've been able to walk quite a bit. My back has been absolutely wonderful re walking~ seems to love it!

Ok sure am hoping you have a good upcoming weekend before your surgery!

[jsewell]

Hi Hooch and thanks. I don't know the difference between the 2 fusions.
Maria, I did go to the people beach, it was nice as the beach always is, i missed the various pooches. I just wasn't in the mood or did not have the energy to deal with my pooches.
As usual i couldn't really get comfortable and kept tossing and changing my position. But it was still great to be by the ocean, which was wild today !
Sorry you have to deal with another medical problem. I have many as well.
Hope you get someone to get you to the train station .
judy

[Maria]

Hi Judy,
Just wanted to pop back on and wish you the best surgical outcome/recovery that is possible and hope you've not been too nervous this weekend. Thankfully the weather has been beautiful so hopefully you've been enjoying your "free" time before surgery!
Please update us whenever you're able altho not any earlier than humanly possible!
Hope to see you one of these days at the beach~ meanwhile good luck tomorrow! Maria

[jsewell]

Thanks Maria, today i was taking a final in a medical terminology class, it went well and yesterday was study all day!!! I enjoyed the weather friday at the beach.
I'm really tired and not looking forward to the 5:30 arrival time, but other than that OK, it does not seem real yet. I got scheduled so quickly, it hasn't really sunken in yet.
But here i go.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
It's Tues so very soon after your surgery and can't imagine you'd be up to posting tho am hoping that maybe someone will be checking your emails/forum mail for you or even someone here that will read this and pass along continued well wishes. I am wondering how the surgery went and how you're doing now even tho it's terribly early post op still! I do hope you're resting comfortably (well medicated?)~ take care~ Maria

[mmglobal]

I just spoke to Judy... she sounds great!!! Based on her prior surgeries... she's way ahead of the curve. She says that some of her symptoms are already improved, but some are not. It's not uncommon to have symptoms flared up worse, or even to have new symptoms after such a surgery. There is a lot of irritation of the nerves that takes place during the surgery and inflammation caused by the surgery that may make things much worse in the hours, days, weeks following such a surgery.

I was so pleased to hear that she's doing so well. She should be in the hospital for several days and is up to having visitors. If you'd like to go for a visit, contact me for hospital info.

I would like to go see her in the next couple of days... If you'd like to ride with me or meet me there, let me know.

Please send out good vibes for her recovery!!!! It's all great news so far.

Mark

[dshobbies]

So far so good is great. Hope it continues.

When you visit, please tell her I wish her well.

Dale

[Maria]

Hey Mark,
Thanks for updating us on Judy and glad to hear she's done well w/this surgery and has some improvements already. Hope the rest is usual post op recovery "stuff" and she'll be well on the road to a more functional spine/lower extremities strength.

I'd like to be able to join you to visit Judy however I'm currently in SD and may be here for a few weeks. Please also give her my well wishes and hope we get to meet in person soon.

[jsewell]

well beteeen the diarrhea and the nerve pain this is about all i can post this morning , but i am going home yahoo
judy
More later when i get home to my good meds and enough percocet not 10 mg

[Maria]

Hey Judy~ Welcome Home! Bet you're so glad to be going there and back to the comfort of your own bed and everything else.
Diarrhea.. well thankfully everything is moving at least! Hope the nerve pain gets quieted and you'll be feeling better soon. Looking forward to hearing more whenever you're up to it.

Now I must pull myself away from the computer chair at dh's as I sat entirely too much yesterday (nearly all day off and on) and seems like I'm repeating that behavior already and then tomorrow when I have the wedding and reception to go to here in SD I'll likely not be able to tolerate sitting so much!

So pulling myself off the computer at this time (at least this one/desktop) and soon to head over to laptop in the comfort of dh's big new super firm/comfortable mattress/bed while he's at work! Or out the door to walk.. yes, that's what I have to do.

take care of yourself Judy and catch us when you're feeling better

[mmglobal]

YAHOO!!!! I'm always on pins and needles for the surgeries with people who have had such bad experiences in the past (and such a long litany of surgeries!) I just spoke to Judy and was so pleased to hear that the last few days have been uneventful. Her low back pain is substantially improved. The flared up nerve pain is somewhat disconcerting, but with any luck... that is normal, expected postop inflammation that will improve over the weeks to come.

All good news so far... keep it up Judy. I look forward to the next gathering... probably up near you so you don't have the long drive. Let me know when you are up to it. Taffy has been asking about you.

Mark

[jsewell]

Hi
I had read in a post in the past about someone who could not sit down. That is me on and off. This nerve pain is jumping from one butt cheek to the other, to the right thigh and side of my left leg. I get relief in some really uncomfortable positions, if this makes any sense.
I must get the details of what was done when I am at my surgeon's office. He came by twice yesterday at the hospital , but there were other people in my room (hospital staff) and they were anything but quiet.
I did not get home until 9:30. A primary care doc came in and saw my hemoglobin /hematocrit was too low to go home so i stayed all day getting transfused. Then the nurse took really forever to get the paperwork together and then, my daughter had left the lights on in my car and the battery was dead.
Before we knew this , the nurse decided she would walk me to the lobby instead of waiting for a wheelchair. That walk was all I could take, then i ended up walking to the car in the parking garage to help Jamie get a security guard to help. WE first called for the boys at home to come and rescue me , but they had started drinking, my dear husband had turned his phone off to enjoy his dinner uninterrupted (good one ha) Think that was the last he will hear of that one?
Anyway the shower today was wonderful , finally. I have a probably 10 inch long incision in my spine, thoracic 7 thru lumbar 4 now. My surgeon did tell me there were some loose screws probably causing lots of the previous pain. He also straightened me out a little more, i'll have to see if i regained any lost height. I'll have to find out if he reinstrumented or what the heck is left in me!!!! He will give me more shots on Tuesday or Wednesday if the inflammation has not cleared up enough yet.
byye for now
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

Glad you're home and doing better. As I see it, once you have one scar, it doesn't matter anymore, except of course the pain of the incision healing.

I think sitting is difficult for anyone with a spinal surgery. If you have a recline, you might find it more comfortable - in fact, when you're up to it, you might want to buy yourself your own chair suited to your comfort. It does get better but I still can't sit for a very long time.

I hate hospitals and am not surprised that things didn't go easier on you. Once, when I was set to leave the hospital, my nurse couldn't be found and no one else could (or wouldn't) do the paperwork????? I really didn't think the care I received in Germany could be that much better but it was. And btw, should you ever -God forbid- find yourself in the hospital again, tell your roommates and guest to shut up and more. You have a right to privacy with your doctor and rest when you want it.

Buy hey, you're home now and can make your husband as miserable as you please until full payment is received for turning his phone off!

Hope your recovery goes well and you're pain free in short order.

Dale

[jsewell]

Last nite i was feeling my back incision and realized it seemed like my back was on fire. I called the husband (once again out, but with his phone on) and had him get a thermometer on the way home.
Sure enough i was feeling lousy and had almost 101. I just watched it did not get any higher and will watch again for it tonight. It was gone in the morning. I did not seem to sleep more than 20 minutes at a time after my husband woke me to see if i was OK!at 1:30am. Felt like i was still in the hospital.
This nerve sciatica pain is really awful, i just keep standing and walking a few steps and trying to get a little rest somehow, no luck right now, more when i can sit or lay or stand
judy

[mmglobal]

Judy, please let your doctor's office know about the fever... If there is any question about an infection, safe is better than sorry. Dealing with them early is very important. (I'm not saying that I am concerned about it... just make sure your doctor knows about the fever!)

Mark

[jsewell]

Thanks Mark,
I need to call and confirm injections tomorrow morning so i will add the fever to the list of complaints.
Those darn post op twitches are starting. kind of like little jumps as you fall asleep. They are huge jumps tonight on their first night and i am not really sleeping just almost nod off here and there.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I'm glad to hear it's jumping vs. steady and stabbing or gnawing. The nerve pain I had post my 2nd surgery didn't start right away (about a week later) and didn't stop for 5 years and was constant thru both buttocks and bilaterally down my legs. It was in the soles of my feet occasionally as well. So hopefully the nerve pain you're having is just a normal response to some intrusion in the area (work related!) and will diminish soon enough.

Loose screws.. we all know that joke! Now no one can say that about you! take good care and heal well~ Maria

[dshobbies]

Pain sucks but nerve pain is the worst. Don't remember if you're on Neurontin but if not, you might want to consider it to get you past this post surgical pain hump - which hopefully will last only a few weeks. If you're already on it, some nice good drugs can be your friend.

Though in intense pain from nerve damage, I took Dilaudid for 6 months and though I couldn't drive, it did take care of the pain. Personally, when the time came, I had no trouble, slowly, getting off of it.

Judy, I so hope this surgery resolves all your pain issues but for the time being, take whatever you have to to stay comfortable.

Dale

[jsewell]

Thanks Dale and Maria,
I did have some morphine and this nerve pain is so intense and constant that i did break it out when i got home, well the next morning. I do need neurontin. My doc gave it to me in the hospital then forgot to prescribe it to go home. i thought he was writing it down, i was without glasses at the time, but he wrote it for nucynta. I have tried that before (not for nerve pain) and it did nothing. So i am staying with my percocet. I am using my morphine sulphate 3 times per day and the percs every 4 or 5 hours. Then robaxin.

i did just call the surgeon's office to get a script for neurontin called in to my pharmacy. I can have one of my boys walk into town and get it. After i send them to the bank. I was raided while in the hospital and even my $4 is gone. I did tell the surgeon;s office that i need to set up injections for tomorrow or wednesday also. I am masking some of the pain with drugs, but i would like to get this cleared up before 5 years (Maria) or even 5 weeks. I can't even lay down except on my back with my butt up in the air. !!!!! Probably a good physical therapy thing!
judy

[jsewell]

I got neurontin late this afternoon. I am now fighting sleep and slurring words or i think i am slurring words in my mind anyway. I sure would not get anything done but staring into space with this drug. The pain is a little better, but still a definite problem.
Maria the jumping i was describing is not the nerve pain, it is the nerve jumping that comes when i am tired and or falling asleep. I get this after surgery every time.
The sciatica nerve pain is new to me. I guess i don't have to worry about changing positions as that is all i do!!
Tired
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I just remembered - after my surgery my butt pain was severe though not as much as my legs. My husband will attest that he learned to rub my butt in his sleep because the pain would wake me up. I found laying on a tennis ball (or apple in a pinch) worked very will instead of his constant rubbing.

I really don't remember when it subsided but after six years, it's gone. Actually, it cleared up after just a few weeks.

Keep it simple, take what you need and forget about your mind unable to function. (What, what mind? I don't have a mind. Do you have a mind? Does anyone actually think?)

Dale

[jsewell]

DAle,
I would agree about the mind part. all i did was sit and nod off all day long. Tomorrow are the nerve blocks , i hope they help, just not sure what med to take before i get there. It is a 10 am arrival for me, beats the 5:30 ones at the hospital.

[jsewell]

I woke up today with sever pain in my upper right leg. new symptom. It was so bad i could not put all my weight on it. so i was hanging on to everything i could. I went to the surgery center and my surgeon thinks this new pain is coming from my hip (replaced side). It has been super pain ful all day no matter what i take. I just hope it goes away on its own and soon.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Wonder if you were compensating w/one side so pain sort of popped up (woke up) a bit later after surgerical time passed plus a few days? Hope the pain has subsided or will do so soon and there's no findings that would be worrisome.

Re the nerve pain hope that too will subside. When I first took Neurontin I felt super sleepy/goofy for at least the first week and probably into the 2nd as I recall. I know I had the munchies as wanted to eat alot when I first started Neurontin. I remember I was started at 2400mg/day but had to bring it down to 1800mg/day and stayed on that for 12 years.

take care Judy and hope today is a better day~

[dshobbies]

Judy,

While severe pain certainly isn't the normal aches and pains spineys get all the time, your reaction is similar. We all go to OMG first before considering alternatives.

Though I sincerely hope your pain subsides quickly, I'm glad your doctor has suggested it comes from your hip and as Maria said, you're probably over compensating without even realizing it.

By all means, stay on top of this but keep it in prospective. Our minds are very powerful instruments and I suspect more often than we're aware of, it works against us.

Having said all that, severe pain does carry more weight than those other aches and pains. I'm glad you immediately went to see your doc.

Dale

[jsewell]

Hi guys,
I had my lumbar injections yesterday which is why i saw DrCostigan in the morning. I slept the rest of the day once i got home. i refused the wheelchair walk out this time because it is too painful to get in and out of it and i knew the distance was short. the surgery center just called to see how i was doing. Better than yesterday morning , but still this bad pain in my right hip. that is my replaced hip . I guess i will give it the 10 days after the injections to see if it calms down.
I can now sit and lay down after the injections so they definitely helped some. I guess i would be feeling a lot better if the darn right hip hadn't acted up. I had that one replaced 3 years ago and i know there are recalls on parts of it which always scares me. I see my spine surgeon on the 29th next and i will ask him if i should get the hip checked out. It is time for my 3 year check up anyway , i just wasn't sure how long to wait after surgery to have it done.

my 16 year old daughter hangs out with me at night some nights and tells me after i fall asleep my body is really jerking all over the place. First just my hands, then my feet , then all of a sudden my whole body. I feel some of this when i am sleepy, but she demonstrated the whole thing. Pretty funny. I know there is a name for them , didn't know they got violent enough for her to think earthquake!!
Almost time for the next dose.

Maria i don't think i would be able to state my name if i was on that much neurontin from the start. I am on 300mg 3xper day. I can see building up a tolerance at some point, but i hope i am not on them long, i need a job!!
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I think when I first started the Neurontin because I was on that alone with no other pain medication even tho it was a large dose and it snowed me when it was adjusted to the 1800mg/day I was still working for several years and it took the edge of the Neuropathies much better than the Elavil so it helped but the back pain and episodes where my back would "go out" (severe spasms) that kept me off my feet for weeks at a time got more frequent and longer lasting.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is my pain levels were high enough for the Neurontin to cover the neuropathies fairly well and wasn't really creating "brain fog" at the time(except of course that intial start up period).

I had not yet started lumbar ESIs or the Methadone until after I had already stopped working.

It wasn't until the last few years I was on Neurontin that I really started to feel super snowed by it mentally or like I had "superior" levels of brain fog going on. I think I went a good 7 years on it feeling like my memory was actually OK.

Maybe you've just got a good case of post surgical aggravation of your body parts going on after staying in a hospital bed for a while as well as compensating or transfering a lot of stress to one side of your body. I often have some terrible pain strike my body if I have to sleep on a surface that isn't supportive enough. Usually that affects my back but also my neck and even my hips have been affected by this (tho I've no replacement recall to be consider). Good luck with it all just "going away" on it's own while utlizing some temporary measures to "quiet" things down! I know that sounds like oversimplification of things however I would hope it's something like that vs. anything more serious going on.

Give it some time to get adjusted to your level of the Neurontin. Everyone starts out on a low dose and for some people this is all that is needed though for me I think I was in the mid to low end of a higher range in terms of controlling my neuropathies well. I did feel that after adding the 10mg of Methadone/day that really gave excellent coverage (that was 4 years later).

Not sure I could have actually worked on the combination of the two however although I know there are people that do.

[dshobbies]

Judy,

Glad the injections helped. I too started on N at 300mg, 3 times daily. It was ultimately upped to the max. I hated it but it kept me mostly pain free. When my eyesight was affected I switched to Lyrica. For me, there really was no difference, even with a lower dosage so I decided to try life off of this drug. Somedays are difficult, most are doable but if I really needed this drug again, I would go back on.

My advice at this time would be to take what you have to to get through the day. When you're feeling better, you can reassess. Living without a mind is easier than when in pain.

Dale

[jsewell]

I thought about things today and realized i have not even been out of the hospital a week yet. I usually stay in bed and at home after anything this major for 2 weeks at least. But having to get out for the shots messed me up. I went out with my son driving today to take little daughter to a friends house. It took us forever to get home as we were lost. Then with my extra steroids in me i spent far too long cleaing the kitchen and washing dishes.
Staying in bed now, of course it is 9:21pm.
judy

[Maria]

JudyJudyJudy!!
Reading what you just wrote I would think you didn't even have surgery!
Rest up now young lady!

[dshobbies]

Judy,

Put your husband and kids on the line! Listen up family. You supposedly love this woman as your wife and mother yet you let her suffer because you won't pick up the slack. As a spine patient, I find bending over the sink very painful. My family knows this. They work with me, not against me.

A woman feels it's her responsibility to keep the house in order. Your wife, your mother is the same. If you pick up after yourself, clean whatever needs cleaning, wash whatever needs washing, you are sparing her a painful experience. 10 minutes of your time is little to ask but a huge burden off of her back. You would want no less for yourself.

Back to Judy,

Get back into bed or whatever place you find comfortable and leave your family to themselves. Whatever they do gets done. Whatever they don't, doesn't. Stop pushing yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal!

Soapbox - done.

[Maria]

Judy,
Something else I thought I'd mention is that my body has been fooled by the relief that the steroid injections give and my energy level is bolstered so that it's tough for me to sit still until I've near worn myself out~ at times what has followed on the heels of that activity level has been quite an aggravation of my spine symptoms.

So because you've so recently had surgery you have to make sure that you realize what your limitations "should be" at least temporarily.

Like Dale I'd just let everybody know you have to rest and recover and could they please pick up the slack in the meantime. Sounds like you've had enough surgeries that the family probably knows what to do though I have the feeling you may have felt pretty good so were up and about more than you should have been.

Steroid injections definately mess w/my head a bit the first week or so so not only do react w/increased energy levels also with increased agitation or irritability and my patience for anything is very abbreviated so I too would literally "jump" on clean up and getting things done if my spine symptoms were muted.

Guess what?? The ESIs really worked wonderfully to alleviate some of my neck pain and definately even my knee pain besides my back pain (as does lidocaine when I get dental work!)!

So I'm hoping you've been able to lay yourself to rest a bit and that your spine is doing well and your hip and those pesky nerve pain that was bothering you just the other day!

[jsewell]

I needed that talk my friends. I spent today sleeping until 1 ,although somehow the visiting nurse came in the morning and saw me!!! I did wash a few dishes , but that was all. the kids even helped me make a sandwich! I really did just have 10 vertebral levels messed with and my nerves especially. I need to remember this, my poor body has been through a lot.
I am going down the stairs to get some ice cream , but that is all for me.
judy

[jsewell]

So while being dropped off for my medical coding class yesterday, my husband says he thinks the marriage is over and he is going to leave me with the kids! Nice way to go into a new class (i missed the first one last week do to the surgery)
Then last evening he disappears, comes home around 11 and tells me he could not leave me , tears, hand holding .
All in 2 weeks since my major surgery. I know this goes into a different caterogory, just thought i would share this with my friends. Yes, i am about to be committed . can i double those psych drugs (only kidding)
judy

[Maria]

Hey Judy,
Was going to pop in and ask how you're doing.. ok.. already at medical coding class..hmm that means good physically? Re the dh part (darling or dear hub) ??? yikes. Heavy stuff coming going or staying prob in terms of dealing with feelings. Your plate is full enough re recovery. Something about timing here

[dshobbies]

Judy, Judy, Judy-

It is not for me to comment on the strength of your marriage but it is in trouble.

My immediate advise is a marriage councelor. (S)he will tell your husband how unsupportive he's been and recommend a course of action to stabalize your relationship. You have much to cope with so letting someone else take the reins on your marriage will free up you mind, at least to some extent, to give you time for healing and classes.

My guess, without really knowing either one of you is that he is as frustrated with your back as your are. He thought he could escape the whole thing by leaving but his love for you called him back. At least this is my version but still warrants intervention.

I'm really so sorry- Dale

[Maria]

Re what Dale said thank goodness for someone who responded appropriately.
I don't live w/my dh so I'm not one to give any really sensible advice here except to say what Dale advised sounds appropriate re intervention and an unbiased professional mind weighing in here. I know it won't stop your mind from going where it may w/this however it may at least let clearer minds prevail with insight, suggestions and advice.

[jsewell]

Thanks you guys, i know we need counseling again.I did figure out he is frustrated with the kids. wEll 3 out of 4 of them and he is taking it out or blaming it all on me. Anyway things are better as far as I am concerned, not sure how he is feeling about it all.
One son that he thinks is just hanging around and i spent the day together and accomplished tons, he is going on a job interview on thursday and hoping to start community college next week so Jeff just lost total touch with his kids and me this year and needs to spend time with us all to see how great we really are.

BAck to the spine front. I went to my pulmonologist appointment today and my lung capacity has increased for the first time since the accident. Instead of my 50% lung capacity i was at 63%. It is do to the straightening of my spine including this last surgery as he did start up at T7. I had some pain there that i never mentioned to anyone, but it is gone and i can breathe better. So this is great news. I can't wait to share it with DrCostigan (my spine surgeon). He will be very pleased.
judy

[kajari]

Judy,

I can sympathize with you about your marriage. My marriage fell totally apart after my spine injury in 2007 because I am not the same person physically that I used to be. Just when I thought I could not deal with any more of the horrible pain, pain meds, etc then I was handed this new difficulty in my life. I was divorced this year but in my case my ex-wife left me and my four children. She only has custody of my children two weekends a month and on a good month three weekends. I am thankful that I have my parents and siblings living in town to help me when I need it. Hang in there and I pray that your marriage problems can be resolved and your back problems will give you some relief. Take Care, Greg

[Maria]

Judy,
That's excellent news! Yea!!!! I'm so glad you are able to breathe better and standing up straighter! Whoohoo for successful spine surgery that actually made something else better!

Hope things get better on the marital front as well. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship w/your kids and hopefully your husband if he wants to will join in.

For the record even tho I moved out from living w/dh I think in 2005 we have remained married. While living together I know my spine situation was something he didn't really "deal" with so sort of ignored it and me. Since living alone I did improve physically and mentally as well because of that however so did dh's attitude it seems. He has been there for me consistantly which really did surprise me actually.

Hang in there and wishing you the best with all

[jsewell]

Thanks Greg . I am so sorry to hear with your horrible spine problems your marriage fell apart too. 4 kids as well. What are the ages of yours if you don;t mind sharing. All ages have their challenges that is for sure.
My husband just does not remember what he was doing at the ages of my kids and never even mentions our daughter who is putting herself through school and never has asked for anything. I guess it is my accomplishment as he is blaming me for the problems. He did make a comment the day after he said he was sorry for the things he said and that he would not leave me that it is either or oldest leaves or he leaves. Again how is that love and sticking together. I guess it just leaves me in an unsure relationiship and certainly not anything solid.
Maria i can certainly say he is not there for me when i need him or surely has not been there. On my aug 8th surgery, he never showed up or called after surgery. I was calling the house repeatedly in tears.
Then he was not there for me on going home day either which was a total disaster in itself with dead battery and him having his phone off. I just can't drop some of these things so easily and in fact hang onto the bad things forever , i think. It is still too new.

well i'm going to just be proud and looking forward to brightening my surgeon;s day as he still probably feels guilty about all the lung capacity i lost when he decided not to do my surgery and sent me to DrRegan. so wish i had someone to drink to my 13% improvement to lung capacity thanks to spine surgery!!!!
judy

[dshobbies]

I am so grateful for my husband. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be me.

But, it is not perfect. He is not perfect and I am not perfect. We do have a very solid marriage but when things got off balance, we did see a marriage counselor. For us, it worked and I wouldn't hesitate to see her again if it ever became necessary.

So many things can cause any of us to doubt ourselves, our decisions and our lives. This is the time for intervention. When life gets too difficult to cope, a professional can give us techniques that make it easier. Certainly if nothing else, they tell us the truth which we often are reluctant to face.

I wish we all had the strength to deal with whatever comes our way but sometimes we need help. I think more often than not, those who don't seek outside help are doomed to make bad decisions.

My heart goes out to anyone who had been affected by adversity.

Dale

[kajari]

I've learned the happiest times in my life lately are lived through my childrens eyes. Mine children are 3, 7, 9, and 13. My 13 year old has really stepped up and helps a lot. I just want her to live like a 13 year old and not worry about me but that is really hard for her to do. It has been really tough on me being a single father but it forces me to get up and do more ... at times the pain is unbearable but I have to do it for my kids. I hope you can find peace in your marriage and get through these tough times. I know a lot of what you are going through as I was left in the hospital for my surgery this year (April) and had no visits from my ex-wife (wife at the time). It really makes you question a lot of your relationship. But you can work through all of this. Try to focus on your good times with him and the positive things he brings into your life. Whatever you do I hope you can get much needed relief, support, and healing. Take Care, Greg

[jsewell]

Thank you Greg. You really do have your hands full with such young children. Glad your 13 year old is a good helpful kid, you sure need that right now.It must be so tough. I guess it is difficult at all ages. Mine have bigger problems at their ages of 16 (can't get her to go to school though) 18,23,25. My oldest left the Army almost a year ago as he was sick and needs to go back any time now. But all 4 are living at home right now. I love it though they each have their special challenges.
I think this time (this surgery) i have not let myself hang around and heal. I have been out every day with different things to do including my regular dr. appointments. I should have rested more, i never know how that effects the outcome. I still have pain in the left butt and hip area which is pretty bad.
WAiting to hear some good news from you Greg
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Thanks for reminding me re hijacking the other thread. Hope this morning finds you feeling Ok and/or better. I wonder if also because your lungs are more functional you just have more energy now as well.

Re your class.. are you able to sit this soon after your fusion or spine surgery? Is it a 3 hour class? Did you make it or will you make it to class?

If you don't make it this trimester or semester can you make it up soon?

I'm hoping to be able to volunteer in a hospital or clinic setting after I buy my condo/or am more situated. For now I come and go between LA county and SD county and feel like a nomad!

If I have enough energy and ability (really more my feet than back at this point) I'd ilke to volunteer in an animal shelter too.

Ok hope your nerve pain is dying down and you're progressing well despite some of the stuff that's going on at home.

[jsewell]

WEll Maria, my husband came home late last night after spending the weekend with his cousin up north and said he is leaving and left. So i guess the marriage is over, The kids are a mess. My oldest was worried about money and us being able to stay in this house we are renting. My girls cried their eyes out. My youngest wasn't home last night so when i picked her up this morning i had to tell her. She was a mess and said between tears she never wants to see him again. WE got home and she took off running,. She has never run before. This is the firstr week of school and i need to get her in somewhere. It is her junior year, but she has lots to make up.

So my spine recovery. Class is from 9-3 on sundays. I was in the middle of a 3 class series for medical coding and billing so i couldn't stop, i missed the first coding class, but it did not effect too much. Sitting is horrendous , i just pop the pain pills and bring a pillow (i forgot it yesterday) i sit on my hand , sit up, stand up whatever it takes. Not easy , but life sure won't be any more either. I need to get trained in something else as education is a dying field in this state. No money for it , especially special education. I need a job with benefits too. Must get self sufficient and able to support my 4 kids in case the former husband stops sending money.

I guess for only 3 weeks out i am doing OK. The nerve pain is still there on my left side., After surgery it was on the right side and the left felt OK. Now it is the opposite, how does that happen? I see the doc for the first real post op today. I'll post then. i am still taking percocet and neurontin and muscle relaxers. I was opened up for a giant incisiion. I will find out today what exactly he did.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Sorry to hear your spouse had a change of heart/mind tho if it's where he was going mentally it's probably best his body followed. Sounds like he's in a world of emotional turmoil and has pitched the rest of the family full force into it. I do hope if he cannot be a good spouse he can be a good father and/or be as financially responsible as he's supposed to be.

I am amazed that you can even force yourself to sit as long as you are~ amazed! I haven't been able to sit that long since after my first back surgery and then after L4 went and esp. after my failed discectomy on L4 sitting has been the worst activity for me. It has improved since L5S1 autofused but not that much!

Yeah I know all about sitting on my hands, shifting weight, and every other moved designed to look like I'm actually sitting but more probably am more in motion than when I'm walking!

You're to be commended for your persistance even tho I question how much you should be doing this soon post op I do admire that you're trying so.

I don't know what would give you pain that shifts from one side to the other.. I had that but I hadn't had any fusion so was told it was either the disc material leaking out on both sides or a paracentral bulge. Most of my symptoms that used to be so strong have resolved with the autofusion of L5S1 tho L4 is still problematic to a degree so I do have pain with prolonged sitting esp. and sometimes if I'm too active I have pain (and probably w/o my pain medication I'd have much more pain).

Am interested to hear what you've had done "in there" as well if you feel like sharing.

BTW I'll be back in LA county next weekend so maybe we can meet in person one of these days. I promise not to overdo anything prior to planned meet up so that I'll actually make it. Again it's not my back that seems to mess w/me as much as my feet these days.

[jsewell]

I saw my surgeon today ,it has been 3 weeks since the surgery and 2 i guess since the nerve blocks. What he did was take out some screws in my mid thoracic region to add a connector rod to extend the fusion down to L-4. Then he took out some more screws near the upper lumbar area that he thuoght were irritating me. Then of course the fusion of L3 and L4. My leg pain in the right side went away with the injections, when i got to the surgery center i almost could not walk, now the right side is pretty much back to normal . the right side , however is hurting now.
He said to come back in 2 weeks and if the left side is still bothering me, we could try more shots . Time will tell,. I had xrays of my neck too and some screws are pulling out so he said we may have to go in and put a hook if i fall out anymore. Oh joy.
Maria that would be great if we could meet and talk in person. Let me know when you are around.
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I accused you of having no backbone when dealing with your family. In light of what has been happening behind the scenes, you're actually doing a remarkable job and indeed, you are a woman of great strength.

To deal with all your surgeries, your pain, your emotions, your children and now your husband - I've always considered myself a strong person but all that would do me in.

I'm truly sorry your husband has decided your medical problems were too much to deal with. I actually would have had a few choice words for him but I've also learned looking into other people's windows doesn't tell the whole story.

Judy, we're here for you. Please use us as you need or want. Your plate is so full - anytime you need to unburden, we're right beside you.

Dale

[jsewell]

Dale
Thank you as always for your kind response. I have so much is true. People are telling me i am strong, but some days i just want someone to take care of me for once.
I think this was surgery #12 or maybe even 13. It has been hard on this body, That was all in 4 years. My original 3 level fusion in my neck does look awesome, but my body really wants to be in a kyphotic condition, not sure if that is a word. I also was told to leave my special education teaching job 3 years ago.
I think i need to win the lottery for sure.
I"m so worried that money will be an issue here. I just hope it is cheap for an uncontested divorce and my alimony can support me and the kids until i can get recovered enough to hopefully find a job i can do with a horrendous back
judy

[jsewell]

I think I have payback for acting like i never had surgery at all. My back hurts pretty bad when standing or walking. i feel like it hurts to much to stand up straight. So of course at Target this morning after picking up my daughters transcripts i was really needing to hang onto that cart.
I didn't intentionally not stay in bed,i cancelled a lot of appointments,but did have to see my pain management doc and i get my daughter in school. i remember sending the kids to the grocery store. Oh well i guess a fusion at L3 L4 hurts more than others i have had.

Jeff is being an idiot, he will not return my simple text messages like when are you coming over so we can talk. Another about a computer for my daughter. He just doesn't answer me and chooses when and which kid to communicate slightly with. He was supposed to come over last nite to talk to me and also told the kids he was coming to talk to them and did not show. It took him an hour to answer the one text he did answer saying no he was not coming. He told my daughter not to text him last nite and he would not answer any of her phone calls on Monday so she finally called his work # and he told her that was immature to call him at work. the kids think he is on drugs!
judy

[Maria]

Your husband's whole manner of handling this so far based on what you've written appears pretty immature.

Yes I believe uncontested divorces in CA are pretty inexpensive as long as no property or dividing of assets are involved. Where children (child support and alimony is involved I have no idea).

When I was contemplating divorce it was going to be about $150 to file in the courthouse and I think $350 total or maybe less. I never went thru with it but we didn't have anything to divide up at all so it would have been a very simple divorce. My husband had told me since I wanted it I could pay for it.

I hate to read that you're worried about expenses and you're having more emotional "stuff" put on your plate than you need at this time. I doubt I could have stayed still for a second if I had been going thru what you did post op. I get super anxious energy when I'm under stress and am more active than I'd normally be even when I feel good.

I do hope you'll start feeling better soon Judy tho please try to do less~Ok?

[jsewell]

Jeff continues to be immature, he had the oldest meet him tonight and he would not drive down our street, he had him walk to the next block, he won't talk to me , answer texts or come over. I need answers about money the rent is due tomorrow. He has mail here and his stuff. He told Randy he wants to remain separate from me. He told my second oldest he wants to meet with her and she was not to tell me or any of her siblings. What's up with that? he is just being so weird.
Might not be as simple of a divorce as i had hoped. We really have nothing to divide, but alimony is a must . I read that because we have been married 28 years he would need to pay me for at least 14 years. I should get myself set by then. Of course i don't know how much that would be.

I am trying to do a bit less. I am sitting in bed more. I did for a few hours today and my back was hurting less when i got up. It is hard to sit still as you said, i seem to have the nervous energy and don't know what to do with myself. I know tomorrow i will wash the kitchen floor. That is pretty easy with a mop.
My youngest finally got him to answer her text by telling him he had abandoned her after she looked up the laws!!
well better go and get in pj's now,
thanks for the email and info that you know
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I certainly cannot give out marital advice perhaps maybe a suggestion though and that is if it appears you're going to have trouble w/contact and just getting simple things taken care of you may have bigger problems to come so you may want to consult with a divorce attorney. I'm sure there are consultations at no cost or very low cost and I think that much would be well worth your while at this point.

Glad that resting does help you to feel better. Remember you're working on the long term outcome here so try to do your best to be "good to yourself" re adequate rest as you see no one can do this for you except you.

[jsewell]

It does certainly appear that there will be trouble with the divorce, he is being suck a dumm ass. Wanting all things secret and just not seeing or having any contact with me at all. How stupid, we have 4 kids together. I hate having to pay an attorney maybe i will just take it out of our joint savings which is all supposed to go to the IRS. All though I don't know how much because he hasn't filed taxes yet. Maybe i will just get to it first .
Now to get recommendations for a cheap, good lawyer.

My left butt cheek and leg still hurt , especially sitting on them so i bet i will need shots in a few weeks. My doc said to wait 3 weeks and he does them on Wednesdays. I will need a ride there and back as they use general anesthesia. My one son only has a permit so he is out . My poor daughter is going to have to request the day out of work as if Jeff won't answer a simple question he certainly is not going to be there for me in an emergency. Or to give me any rides any more even though it was like pulling teeth.
The first set of injections really helped a lot, i hope this set will take away a lot of what is left. with my endocrinology problems i don't make any cortisol so I replace it , but not as much as the body automatically makes in times of stress . I think it is part of the cause i started hurting so much as cortisol is also a powerful anti inflammatory med . I am still deficient taking the amount i do so i need to ask my endo if i should take more. Hate to as it causes weight gain. So many problems with this body.

Maria let me know the dates you think we could meet, it doesn't have to be at the dog beach, but i am fine with it too.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Will let you know when I've returned and see what would work out best for us to meet. I'm more concerned with your ability to go anywhere and I so wish I drove the freeway so I could visit you but I stopped that long ago. While I can sit longer I don't try to sit long enough to drive over about a half hour or so. Sure do wish I could be more helpful to you.

I will tell you this and that is when I was contemplating divorce I had a free consultation. I have known people that did this and never got a divorce (like myself to date) so I'm sure you could find someone willing to see you just for the consultation. At least you get an idea of getting together what you would need and could do it before perhaps your husband removes it or whatever.

Again please feel free to call and/or email me should you prefer to take this off the forum more in depth. I can't remember if I gave you my email or not?

take care Judy.

[dshobbies]

Judy,

You have way too much on your mind. You want to control everything but you cannot.

If you don't allow yourself to heal, you won't be any good to your children so while their needs are important, yours must also be met. It's time for a sit down to explain that you have to be good to yourself before you can be good to them or you could be destined to a life of pain.

Your husband sounds like he is trying to avoid life and I agree with Maria, you do need a lawyer. He is setting the tone for what comes next and it looks like anything amiable can be crossed off your list. You need to protect your interests and those of your children. I know you'd rather not go through the expense and would like to handle this without a fight but that is not your call alone. With your rent coming due, this is an immediate problem - and perhaps I watch too much TV, but yes, you should immediately empty any joint accounts you have - before he has a chance to. I fear if he takes these funds, they will not be used for you and the children. Please remember, you are now playing by his rules. You do need legal advice - and quickly. (So much for 'in sickness and in health'.)

I also recommend you start meditating or allowing time for deep relaxation. You can't think clearly when you have so much on your mind. Clearing your mind at least once a day will allow you to put more things into perspective and decide on your priorities. I actually recommend at least twice a day.

Judy, we have a prospective you do not. You're right in the middle, spinning around and around. We're also not lawyers, doctors or psychologists but it's easy to see you're putting your own needs close to last. As difficult as it may be, you must put your health first.

I remember when dealing with my back, my pain and my hopelessness, I felt lost. Mark became my voice of reason at an insane time in my life. You too need some voice of reason when these tough times get even tougher. This is why I suggest a divorce lawyer (who might also offer a bit of legal advise on your lung problem too). This is why you should be listening to your doctors. You said you just want someone to take care of you and that's exactly what you need. Put yourself in the hands of professionals and allow them to guide your actions.

I'm so very sorry for all the pain in your life. You didn't ask for any of this and no one deserves it but the truth is, if you don't take care of it, it will take care of itself which could lead to unfortunate outcomes. We're here for your venting, frustrations and some suggestions but you need more than we can provide. Please get whatever help you need as soon as humanly possible. Take some of that weight off of your shoulders.

My best to you Judy, Dale

[Maria]

Judy,
I keep checking back here to see what new developments may have taken place. I have to tell you I get worried when someone keeps quiet or distant as I think the wheels are turning re what the person is thinking. If your husband doesn't want to talk to you there is a reason. I personally think it's guilt and wanting not to face you esp. after you said he came home crying and hand holding and saying he couldn't leave you. Then he was gone. Now he's making it difficult to have contact. Sounds like he's afraid to face you and your children because he's ashamed of himself and what he's planning.

I could be so far off it's not even funny but I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I've had too many friends that were taken by surprise by their spouse in terms of divorce and they didn't really want to do it but were forced into it more or less. The one thing I can say is it's best to put your emotions aside when you're thinking about your financial interests and that of your children.

Just get yourself to the bank as Dale recommended and empty the joint account or go ahead and transfer enough into your own account to pay the rent if necessary. After all you're disabled and you're not working and you were abandoned (left without world/communication).

I don't know if that is what an attorney would suggest tho I'd do this at least make sure this month's rent is paid if you've not been able to reach your husband about it and do it before he empties the account. In order to remove your name from the account he has to have your signature so the only thing either of you can do is empty that account or deduct from it.

Call some Divorce attorneys quickly. Get in some consultations even if by phone if they'll do that. He's not really giving you fair consideration so why should you give it to him.

My friends that have done the best with their divorces are the ones that took the bull by the horn, got a really good attorney and did what they had to even tho they still were in love with their spouse. There's only so much one should have to deal with emotionally and someone has tipped that scale a bit too much for you.

Please we understand what you're going thru with your back and recovery and we are devoid of the turmoil you're currently going thru so better able to give some clear thoughts on action to take (and when). I truly wish I was closer so I could at least offer you a ride here and there.

Hang in there~ Maria

[jsewell]

Thank you Dale and Maria,
I appreciate and love all the advice you have given me. I will try to get an attorney soon. I will try to get some with free consultations. i have my realtor/friend who knows everyone on it too. I don't know that many people and would only be guessing at names on line for attorneys.
I do need to get my daughter registered for school first, OOPs there i go again putting me last. Just been a life long thing. Hard to break the habit.
Jeff brought over Becka (my youngest) a computer that she did not get to pick out tonight and wouldn't even come to the house, he parked 2 houses down. I still can't believe it.He also wouldn't tell her why he left. so they ended up coming right back home instead of him spending any time with her. She was in tears when she got home. i just feel so bad for the kids, they are really hurting too. They shouldn't have to go through this.
I am definitely resting more than i had been and icing too . I did vacuum a little today but made sure i was not bending at all even plugged it in up high. I know i shouldn't have, but i am bored or figgety or something i can't figure out. WEll gotta go.
Keep the advice coming, i really do appreciate it.
judy

[Maria]

When you take some $ out of the joint account, buy yourself a Roomba Irobot vacumn that will vacumn w/o your help. They work pretty good and go under things. They're now at Target and maybe even CostCo. Probably a more reasonable idea is to delegate responsibilities to your children. Someone could vacumn for you. You've got to communicate to your children that you need recovery time which I doubt they have seen with you mobile so much and doing for others when you do need things done for you.

Maybe you'd want to consider counseling for you and your kids (family) even though I doubt you could get your dh to go with you all now maybe he would consider it in the future.

Ok will write more in the a.m. So very sleepy now! Maria

[dshobbies]

Judy,

Other than telling you soon has to be now, I have nothing new to add but I do want you to know that I'm here for you, reminding you to take care of those things you cannot avoid by putting your health first.

I see no reason one of your children can't do the vacuuming and other simple chores.

And though I also agree with Maria as far as your husband's shame, he also might be avoiding you because he fears either you'll convince him to come back or his guilt will. IMHO he finds your health problems overwhelming and choses not to deal with them, leaving the woman he supposedly loves more than anything in the rest of the world, alone to handle them and everything else alone. The rest is 'if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all'.

And remember, if all else fails, you have time for a nervous breakdown in 2013but only for about 15 minutes. You might want to schedule it now

Dale

[jsewell]

My youngest came down and heard me telling the dogs my back hurt so she told me to stop vaccuming so I handed it to her. she did some but i was almost done. I am just so antsy. at least i did not lend a hand when Tim was pathetically washing my car last night! i wanted to , i am the opposite of Jeff or Tim i love doing manual work. I have been resting more than i did last week though. i didn't have any medical appointments except for my spine surgeon this week so that keeps me home more. I've been good using my reacher grabber that i got after my hip replacement and not bending.
I just got my youngest registered in school for her junior year. She only has credits for being a freshman as she was very emotionally challenged all last year and did not pass a lot of classes during her freshman year. I know jeff's being weird all year really effected her.She is the one that really values the family relationship. Poor kid. We had to fill out forms and we only could put a question mark for her dad's whereabouts, we have no address for him and he won't tell the kids where he is living.
I know that bothered her too.,
But she has her work, i am really home schooling her so she can catch up and return to a regular school for her senior year.
Now to get the 18 year old straightened out!
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I have none so I'm not speaking from experience however most of my friends/family do and when they've gone thru a rough stretch w/family issues their kids have gone to counseling. I know it's none of my business but it sounds like the one who has had difficulty in school might well benefit from this.

My brother's 15 y.o. was diagnosed w/anorexia for about a year and she was a super achiever in school but had a lot of difficulty I think w/her issues surrounding my brother and his wife's relationship. When it got very extreme (as in anorexia and severe eating probs) she had to go to therapy and was even hospitalized a very short while.

It's difficult for us as adults to understand what's going on half the time with our grown up relationships (or not so grown up) but with children it's even more difficult so while I do applaud you home schooling her as I understand your background is in education perhaps it would be beneficial is she were in counseling.

I had suggested it if possible for you and the children because it seems the circumstances are difficult to say the least with your husband not divulging where he lives or wanting to talk or at least say something with his departure.

Actions do speak louder than words really so I don't think it matters much what he has said or what he will say but at least if he made the effort to communicate with the children and reassure them he's there for them if not you they'd feel somewhat better.

His actions do make me think that he's feeling badly about leaving you and them and having difficulty seeing any of you as it makes him feel worse as a human being let alone a father and husband but then again who knows he could have a brain tumor or something weird going on that is disrupting his normal way of behaving (something undiagnosed). Or a girlfriend or ???

Whatever, again it comes back to his actions so it seems like you are left to make all the adult decisions here with pulling everybody thru it.

I guess I think he may feel the kids are taking sides too so maybe that's why he avoids confrontation.

But again I'm so not a mental health person just someone that looks at one's behavior and get's all kinds of ideas in my head. I probably should keep my mouth shut at this point or stop writing about it as I'm sure you've got enough going around in your head.

Yes do stay away from manual labor .. I tend to like to throw myself into it as well so I'm a terrible one to give this advice but when I've had a surgery I do force myself to not do anything I'd normally do in terms of cleaning, vacumning, washing cars and the like.

Lie on the bed with a piggy bank full of pennies and roll them for several hours.. find reclining activities that take up your mind and your time as best you're able.

[jsewell]

Hi guys ,
i tried to get my youngest into counseling last year when she was having so many problems getting to school. she refused to go . she said if i carried her (she said i couldn't with my back) that she would just sit there and say absolutely nothing. She needs this kind of home schooling program aS she has many credits to catch up on so she can go back to the regular high school for her senior year next year. I think we will be ok and i swear i will do her notebook work if she doesn't just so its done. It is a supervised program and she meets with her school teacher for 2 hours each week and has a minumum amount of work that has to be turned in (2 workbooks in any subject) so it is not just all on me.
Jeff started going to counseling this year so i think that is why she is so against it.
Jeff has met with 2 of them , the youngest very briefly. she asked him why he left and he told her he couldn't explain it , she started crying so he took her near home and dropped her off. He has not said anything about being there for them and seeing he picks and chooses when he will answer their calls (only 2 out of 4 are actually calling him) they don't feel he is there for them. My daughter even mentioned she could have been having an emergency when she called and he choose not to answer.
It is impossible to tell them he did not leave because of them but in the past 6 months he has had nothing positive to say about the 3 of them. only hasn't trashed my 22 year old . The other ones he really hurt me talking so bad about them. I honestly think he just left all of us.
I thought about counseling for me , i used to go and have a wonderful therapist. I'm just not sure.
I haven't heard anything from anyone about a good attorney so i have no idea how to pick one, any suggestions?
The kids will do all the cleaning, like i said i just get antsy and make sure i do no bending or lifting . The kids use a lot of disposable plates so the dishwashing is minimal and they would have no problem doing it.When jeff was here the boys shared the duty as he used quite a lot of dishes every night and stopped cleaning up after himself around December. He would create a mess and just call my oldest to clean it all up.
WEll l could go on forever here, thanks for listening.
Maria you can say all you want i am such an easy going person i would never take it the wrong way. I love all the comments i can get.
thanks again Dale and Maria
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I think you just need to call a few or call a woman's center and have them refer you. I just started making phone calls out of the phone book when I was looking.

re counseling I can imagine how your daughter might feel. I'd probably do the same thing. The difference is my father probably would have forced me to go and I don't think my mother would have had the same "influence" on me. Dad was the super disciplinarian in my youthful days (just wait until your father gets home..)

Glad you're not offended by what I'm saying as I mean well woman to woman and person to person. Not liking what I read but try to be fair in terms of what I state/write.

I know there was a time when I felt my father didn't like me (when I was a teen/younger) just because I know I also was rebellious and did things that were definately not approved and he was strict (I used to tell my mother to divorce him). How stupid of me as he was a great father, very loving and an excellent parent and husband. Youth.. we get so many things wrong but it does sound like your kids feel the distance your husband puts between them.

Sorry to read that...it's very sad I think. Please do get on calling attorney offices next week. You're bound to hit upon a referral if you do enough calling and/or checking out women's services as well (even battered womens shelters and such as I wouldn't say you've been beaten but emotional abuse is a sort of trauma as well).

Hope you got the rent $ from your joint acct! take care~

[jsewell]

Great Idea to call Women's shelters and services. I was on websites last night and found one which lists who does free consults. While i was at it i texted one my story of my lung (condensed version) so i'll see if they think i have a case. I was rejected by a few that i called initially. but now i have the proof that the nerve was damaged and it is a permanent loss. I am desperate now to make sure the kids and me have money. Both boys have said i could live with them and so had my daughter in law to be. They are all so sweet.
I told you my husband won't come near this place or me. Well i just got up to him in the porch getting his bikes. He hadn't seen that i was up and actually went into the bathroom with a giant trash bag to collect some of his stuff (not enough)He saw me in the kitchen and acted like i didn't exist. Nice and mature.

Hey i just typed about this without crying. That is a first. The more of his stuff he takes the happier I am , it is everywhere. Wish he would take it all and put it in storage. He has a garage full. He did deposit all his outstanding paychecks and hopefully pay the rent , although my landlords live in the house behind me and after i told them, they said they where not worried about the rent right now, just about me and the kids. They are really nice. It is the women's father that actually owns the property , but he lives in Arizona. He will be here visiting in a week, wait until he and his wife here this news. My neighbor also said he is going to call Jeff when he figures out what he is going to say.
Jeff went to his aunts house in Los Angeles the other day when he was picking up Becka's computer. she emailed and told me he asked her for advice. Like what kind? That is all she told me. She said the only thing she could tell him is to be sure he keeps paying our bills. He told her he would. I just hate the insecurity of not knowing. Not sure i can trust him after him leaving. Certainly not the man i married.

The left leg pain has gotten a little better with time. It used to be so very painful to get out of bed, now it is just painful! It still hurts to sit on that butt cheek and if i am on my feet too much, i really do better with a cane. Maybe the next set of injections in 3 weeks will really do the trick and get me well on the road to recovery. I actually did NO house work or anything else bad yesterday. I still want to wash the kitchen floors. Last time i had the youngest do it. It is pretty clean as Jeff is the one who spills and never cleaned after. well i am falling asleep and am hoping if i lay down that I can sleep.
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I am so glad you have begun taking care of yourself. I do believe this is the first step to pulling your life together.

I love Maria's suggestion about calling women's shelters. I bet they can give you suggestions on counseling as well should you decide to go that route for both you and your children. In fact, I think it's a valuable idea.

Though my kids are all in their 30s now, when younger a friend told me all children will go crazy at some point. It's better when they're younger, usually through their teen years. She was right. When our youngest's craziness lasted too long, we did seek counseling for him and it was very beneficial. He now says to keep talking because even if he's being difficult, he's listening, he was always listening.

I'm glad your husband is conflicted enough to ask the advise of his aunt. However, he does seem to be listening to the devil on his shoulder as opposed to the angel and you should proceed accordingly, especially given he ignored your presense in your own home.

Julius is very easy going and as such, avoids confrontation whenever possible. This isn't always the best approach but from what you write, it's yours too. You had the opportunity to ask him about his intentions but...

I don't expect you to change but remember, no one is blowing your horn, only you. You claim you hate being strong (to which I completely agree) but now is the time to step up. Remember, we're right beside you.

Dale

[Maria]

Judy,
thank you for not being defensive and accepting what Dale and I are trying to impart. We want to help you. I know I cannot help to some degree because of my own weaknesses but I can help w/my vision, my clarity, and what I want for any other woman that is going what you going thru. I feel mmore closely to you because of the age,the spinal component and the fact you do have a family and children that are being hurt (not just you). So you are the mother tiger.. you are the protector of all...

Thanks Dale re backing me up~ appreciate that. Glad to hear I'm making some good calls. I worked in Women's health care for a long time and have seen many a situation .. and Judy, yours is one that I'd like to see going a bit differently (re your husband's response). But that might be asking too much of him right now. I can say what I think he should be doing but truly I'm not taking his own emotional plight into consideration. Like I said I don't know that there's not more to this picture than presents. Where is his head at.. oh well that's one that you may know far more about.

The idea is to protect the children and the mother of the children and that is where I feel most strongly for you. So if it appears that I'm rather bashing your husband it's not that... it's what I would have recommended professionally when I was working as an NP in women's health care. I saw so much that I thought was wrong, injustice.. and I think that's how Jeff is treating you now.

But again I only know your side and what you say and I'm reacting to that. Stand firm~ you're doing good. There will be those moments of tears and wondering if you're doing the right thing but just remember your kids and what you want for them besides yourself.

[jsewell]

Thanks very much to you Dale and Maria. I enjoy what each of you writes. It is helping me. I will ask each of the kids if they want to speak to somebody about him leaving. They all , except Jamie, know he was not happy with them in the past year or years for some. Tim (18) is walking into town to meet him at a Sushi place in a few minutes. He insisted on Jamie meeting him at work before she started today , i will be curious as to what they tell me. I told all of them to just ask for money. it is my biggest concern. I have a home in Florida, my brother called and told me. We actually have our own house available. I can't move the kids right now and i do prefer our beautiful, although screwed up state. but a time may come when i have no choice.


Do either of you have any idea how much an attorney charges for an average divorce. My brothers both have experience and have said $3,000. Of course that would be in Florida or Rhode Island. Probably more here. I hope my free consultation gives me some idea.
well i am having a hard time typing for some reason unknown to me. So i'm done
Thanks a million to you too.
judy

[mmglobal]

In some cultures, you can just spit three times and say, I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you... then it's done.

If you can agree on the terms between the two of you, perhaps you can do it yourself. Legalzoom.com? I just looked....

LegalZoom: divorce

Let me know when you are up to getting together. I give terrible advice, but listen well.

Love,

Mark

[Maria]

Judy and Mark,
I'm back in Long Beach now so can meet pretty much whenever (probably after this week actually as gotta get my hair done, going to wedding renewal vows next weekend) blahblahblah...

Mark thanks for the light moment there! If I were Judy I'd definately go with the spitting and repetative phrase as well as the western style divorce!

Judy, I really think the cost would depend on whats involved tho I think it's anywhere between $3000 and $7000 depending on the situation/assets to be divided (the more complicated the more expensive).

California as you know is a community property state which is a bit different than Fla. tho I believe it's essentially the same thing (forgot what it's called in Fla). However when you say you have a home in Florida that is yours I hope you either had it before you married your husband or you have a quit claim signed on the property that it is completely free and clear "yours."

Even that might be questionable re the divorce so best to just getting some consultations down (freebies). At least you'd find out the cost thru the consultations and I would definately have several freebie consultations unless you get an incredible referral that for which you can pay.

It'd be good to see you and Mark in the near future!

[jsewell]

Mark you made me laugh , which is a rare thing lately. I'll do the spitting divorce outside later today and will know i am divorced somewhere in the world.

I would love to get together soon, lets wait until Maria makes herself beautiful. The week after this , i believe. On Monday and WEd i have to bring my daughter to school in the middle of the day so it will have to be any other day of the week for me.

I emailed an attorney who sounded great and caring from his reviews, he emailed me back . His first 30 minutes are free ,then $400 an hour. i may meet with him, talk very fast, and ask if he has any free work he has to do ! I could never afford him which is too bad. I emailed another one , but have not heard back yet. I will do more later today.

the house in florida belongs solely to my brother, he has been living in it. He has a larger home that had to be torn apart do to Chinese drywall. It is just about ready and his family will vacate the other 3 bedroom house., when prices dropped he bought 2 3 bedroom homes for $50,000 each., I could even afford that price and almost pay cash!! i'd be set. i love ca ,. as i said before . i imagine i will eventually be forced to move there with all my family there, but for now i would never want to move the kids. Jamie is all set to enter UC Irvine in a few weeks and has 2 years there, then medical school. Becka is just entering her junior year of high school. what a bad time to move, i would like to stay here where we are until she graduates. Tim loves it here as well and has lots of friends., I would not want to move him yet either,. Randy is going back to the Army so it wouldn't really matter to him he could just as easily join us in florida. although i would need his hard working person if we were moving,. I won't be able to lift much more than the toilet paper.!! Ever with my spine. Now fused from C4 thru L4.

Did i tell you that my doc took cervical xrays last week as well as lumbar and thoracic. The top screws in my cervical spine have pulled out. my upper body just wants to stay kyphotic. He said when it gets to a certain point he will have to go in and put some hooks in. I think my kyphosis in the cervical area has gotten worse as it feels so hard to stand up straight.
My life of surgery may never end. this was either # 12 or #13 in 4 years, i lost count. When i get around to updating my info on medications and surgeries, i will get the right count. The first year i only had on surgery so the average is 4 per year. I wonder how i can even walk around at this point.
WEll i need to go and get ready to walk the dogs.
thanks again as always
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I get tired just reading about all you have to do!

The cost of a divorce will depend on how much you and your husband can agree to. Disagreements cost money, often a lot. Before you get an attorney, so some research online - see what you think is fair and you MUST, despite his refusal to see you, sit down and talk about what each of you wants. If he only wants to end the marriage but is willing to be fair, as per asking aunts advise, then you won't need an attorney and can go to various legal service agencies or as Mark suggested, even online. However... if there is as much as a single disagreement which cannot be resolved then you have no choice. I'm sure you know divorces can be petty and vindictive but there was no cheating going on here, just frustration - or so we think.

The next time you leave him a message, tell him you really don't want to get an attorney but his refusal to talk to you is creating fear that you need to protect your interests. Add that you just want to try to understand what he's thinking for the long range plans, especially financial.

Judy, I realize you want and need financial protection but let me add that one day the two of you will share grandchildren. There will be weddings and other celebrations that will include both of you. If you can impart this long range thinking into him, perhaps he'll reconsider being so detached and work with you. One can only hope-

By all means, stand your ground (lying down) and you also might want to add that in absence of you affording an attorney, he might have to pay for both!

Good luck and rest, Dale

[jsewell]

I am going to go to a few consultations this week, i have one scheduled by an expensive attorney. I should look pitiful with my neck brace on and maybe my cane depending on how i am doing.
I have NO energy today. I just woke up from a nap, haven;t taken one in a few weeks. Still tired. Sick of resting, don't know what to do with myself!!
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Sorry to read about your neck and possibility of more surgery. My father had severe kyphosis due to his osteoporosis and the last few years he could hardly hold his head up. It was very difficult for him. also his shoulders hunched quite a bit and his stance was with his pelvis thrust forward so he had an S like posture or perhaps Z .. anyway, severe deformity. He was a tall slender man thru most of his years but after getting kidney stones would not drink or eat near anything w/known calcium in it as he thought he was supposed to follow that diet for his lifetime (so much for following up with doctors which he didn't do until forced to when he was in his later 70's).

I was diagnosed with osteoporosis a few years back and did take some medication for it (injectable) Forteo but didn't take it the full course as it had such a plastic like smell it made me nauseated.. I've not yet seen the Rheumatologist that was following me for my BMD for last year's f/u so need to do that. Not like I want to take anything else tho but don't want to have as severe osteoporosis as my Dad (my Mom had it too and brother has it as well).

Ok 'nuff on that. Good luck w/attorney consultation. Wearing your neck brace sounds good and then if there's time to mention your medical/surgical events of late~ can't imagine someone not cutting you some slack $ wise.

Hope the sleep/rest will give you more energy tho not the nervous gotta do physical stuff kind. Hope to C U soon!

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I suspect your no energy and tired is a means of escaping. Your mind is so overloaded, it wants to check out.

With any luck, the attorney will give you a discount but don't count on it. I know too many of them. They didn't get the reputation of sharks for nothing. But they are necessary to protect our interests.

Perhaps when your husband hears you have sought counsel, he'll reconsider talking to you.

Good luck and listen to your body. It's talking loud and clear.

Dale

[jsewell]

When you see me , hopefully soon Maria, you will see i already have the hunched over shoulders. My head was totally on my chest before my January surgery, my doc said he could only correct so much ,it was a scary enough surgery as it was. The OR staff said they NEVER want to participate in that kind of surgery again. I don't think he had to do it in years , if even ever after he had been trained in it. He looked in the area to try to find someone with experience in it , but told me he had no luck. After him sending me to Regan, i probably would not have gone to anyone else but him anyway. He is a great surgeon and a great person too.
I don't count on this attorney cutting me any slack $$$ wise. But his references are awesome. I was hoping he was not a shark. He is very attentive and we are now on first name basis, just through email. i already told him i probably can't afford him and i will be talking fast! Only the first 30 minutes are free. I hope to type up some info and questions so i will not waste any of my time. Of course this will all be coming out of the joint account anyway.

I am resting, i think my problem is when my daughter goes out at night, i want to wait up until she comes home. so i am loosing some of my sleep over that. i have always done that because Jeff always just went to bed anyway so i never had any help in that dept. Not sure what i had help in. He would pick up a few groceries when we were out if i caught him at the right time. I had to go out yesterday for milk and bread and ended up forgetting some things and still spending $100. I remember when Randy was little and I couldn't get him to eat anything all day. People told me there will be a time when you can't keep enough food in the house. with 2 teenagers and 2 young adults it is true. I have been having to get stuff every other day.
My daughter works a lot or I would be sending her. Once in a while i send the 3 of them to get whatever they want. Jamie is cheap and she hates going with the boys. OK i am rambling.

Maria i was on fosomax for 3 years and it was time to take a break. Then I started reading all kinds of bad things about the drugs and never went back to any of them. I was only diagnosed as having osteopenia, but my endocrinologist said with my non traumatic fractures it would be classified as osteoporosis. I am supposed to take calcium and really need to but i have a lot of other medications and I get sick of taking it . Bad, i must start again.

I emailed Jeff , see if he answers me. I told him he needs to stop acting immature and we need to talk. I have a letter from the IRS asking for more money and he needs to sign it, i will do the money transfer and send it in, but it needs a signature.
WEll i need to dry my hair so i don't have as bad of a hair day today as i did yesterday!!
thanks you guys
judy

[Maria]

Part of the attorney's reputation is supposed to come in handy when he's being a shark on your behalf not towards you! So hopefully the one you'll consult with will be nice to you and a shark on your behalf that is if it's a viable situation money wise. If not I hope you get an excellent 30 minute consultation in or he gives you another 30 for free.

One never knows.. I consulted with a Real Estate attorney a few months back and he was free for the intial meeting and was supposed to charge after that and I saw him 2 more times/spoke with him on the phone and he answered a few email questions for me and even tho I offered to pay for his services he said he wasn't going to charge me. Nice younger fellow. He told me I should move to the Belmont Shore neighborhood over here in my city and get out of the downtown area (re safety) even tho his office is in downtown tho has a beautiful view of the harbor (in a great building on Ocean Ave).

So there are some nice lawyers out there and I do hope this one will be nice to you even tho we tend to think they're mostly reptilian in nature!

I'd have a few choice words for your dh if he was mine. He'd never come home if he was my dh for all the *nice(not)* things I'd be saying to him. However since you're trying to at least just get business matters tended to guess you have to as nice as you're able to muster about it all. Yuck. I just hate when people shrug their duties/responsibilities no matter what their feelings. I'd want to divorce and take him to court just for that! Too bad you can't get Judge Judy to jump on his case!

My hair BTW isn't as horrific as I thought but needs the help of a professional every so often so thankfully I can see my hairdresser on Weds. I worry about the day I'm not going to able to afford a hairdresser.. don't have that nice straight hair that would look good going grey!

[jsewell]

Maria
that real estate attorney you saw was awesome. NOt charging you. i tend to have bad luck in life so i doubt that will happen to me. But i will be taking the fee out of the joint account anyway. i will try not to stay more than another half hour. I haven;t heard back from the other law firm i contacted. Maybe I have to call them. I always wonder if i have left the correct phone number. i sometimes get them jumbled.
Speaking of hair, i need a trip to get mine cut. I also have her color the gray, but i can wait a little more time, but i keep having bad hair days so i definitely need it cut again, seemed to grow like a week since last time.
My attorney appointment with the high priced lawyer is tomorrow afternoon., i'll post after i see him for sure. I need to get busy typing questions to speed the process up.
yesterday afternoon, late, i tried to go shopping with my 2 girls , Becka , the youngest was mad at us for where we parked so she refused to get out of the car. We shopped a little , then just went back to the car and brought her home. Jamie and I went to the local mall and stayed until it closed. wEll i then went to my neighbors to see how he was doing after having a knee replaced last week by my hip surgeon. Glad mine was a hip not a knee. he is doing fine though. i stood up talking to him for about 15 minutes, then went to walk. OUCH. i almost had to grab his walker (actually mine, he is borrowing) I went home, took percocet and pretty much stayed in bed. STil had the same pain this morning, which i figured would happen. Whenever this happens i can't stand up straight.
But today i have to get to the lab for my hematologist appt. on Friday , and i have a gastro doc appt this afternoon. so no rest today. Tomorrow i have to get Becka to school at 1, then the lawyer at 4. Then an apt on Thursday for me foot and Friday the hematologist. Glad we were not trying to meet this week, i have NO free days. Next week just my spine surgeon late monday. I am glad i will need a break from doctors appointments. He is such a sweetie, i love going to see him. WE discussed a lot about husbands leaving laSt time, i need to get some questions going this time. I will more than likely sign up for more shots at that point too. I asked my daughter to get the day out of work and it ends up she starts school the next day on the 22nd so it just worked out. I don't have any close people around here to ask to pick me up or drop me off at 5am. he always does shots on Wed morning so i at least knew when to ask her to take off.
Thanks for listening to all that. hope to see you next week, i'm excited. Remember i can't make it on monday or wed because i have to bring my daughter to school at 1 -2. She is really home schooled, but meets to turn in her work twice a week and take tests on her work. So far she is acting like last year so i am worried, she has not shown me any work she has done and only has today to finish . She is scaring me.
Need to get in the shower. Should we be emailing instead of my rambling on this forum?
judy

[dshobbies]

I just wrote a lengthy reply and lost it.

The last part was dealing with your husband. As someone with a quick temper, I've learned that he who remains calm wins. Though you're tempted to tell him off, we all are, it will serve no purpose and just create more annimosity. Instead, remain calm, don't exchange harsh words even if he does - and he'll have nowhere to go with any anger.

Remember you're tied together with children and ... forever. You be the bigger man, (nasty remark here) and you'll know you did everything possible to keep the peace.

Judy, it does sound like your daughter could benefit from some help, whether she wants it or not.

Dale

[Maria]

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.. well not that your hub is your enemy but you know what I mean re this saying.

I have a quick temper as well tho know when to hold it in terms of negotiating and if it's going to serve me to do so.

We can take this to regular email or private mail. I actually like pm feature here better so we can use that if you'd like.

I agree w/Dale re your daughter may not want to go to counseling tho it does really sound like it would be of benefit to her. It's like anyone who is in denial re their own problems and thinks there's no benefit to something of this nature. She's really too young to know better what would benefit her tho I think maybe she should "have to."

I'm sure the therapists have their ways to engage teens (she's a teen isn't she?) into talking. Once she starts going she may find it really a good outlet for her feelings that she doesn't have now.

I think sometimes we are too close to our family members to make the best decision for them at the best time at least without some help or input from others and with this regard with a professional. Then again not having kids I could be wrong there but I know many parents feel they don't want to "force" something on their child and yet it may be that intervention now would be extremely helpful or that it's a critical time.

After all this is considered rather a crisis time in your life and your child's with the event of a parent leaving and parents talking about divorce.

Ok I know I've said too much probably. And your schedule is just tooo much Miss Judy!

Judy are you near any public transportation re your kids taking the bus to the grocery store or to school or ?? If it's like where my husband lives there isn't a bus stop for a mile and a half and the closets shops are over 2 miles away. He is in a nice area tho and if I were a youngster I'm sure I could walk that far though I might not exactly like to.

I don't know the area you live in at all so have no idea what it's like re walking or public transportation. Here in LB it's very good and where I'd like to live in San Diego it is as well. Getting to stores by various methods other than driving is very easy without a vehicle and in the daytime I don't hesitate at all. Would not walk around in the dark to stores altho there are plenty of little local buslines that take people back and forth thru out town and I think are safe enough.

Be good to yourself Judy! No one else will do it for you!

[jsewell]

We couldn't have this 3 way or more conversation if it went to pm's. Maybe Mark won't kick me off if i always mention my spine.

I have another attorney meeting set up for Thursday, it is $60. I just can't seem to find the free ones. but money is ok right now, so i'll go to this one too. I'll drink coffee before tomorrow's to help speed my talking !

Husband finally responded to my last email. Only it wasn't really a response. He said he wasn't trying to be mean when he walked by me in the house, it was just that he wanted to see the other 2 kids first. So i answered by saying you did now, when do i get my turn. Already I am last.

Today when out with Becka , i all of a sudden at about 7 just felt so tired. So we had one more stop for food , as usual with her, and now home in bed. i wanted to get all organized for my attorney meeting, but maybe tomorrow morning. I just can't believe how sudden that was and now i can barely keep my eyes open and it is not even 9pm yet.

I know Dale, my body is speaking loud and clear.
WEll i had a phone message from the bank saying there was unusual activity on my account and they have put a hold on it, just what i needed. Another problem to try to fix.
judy

[Maria]

Could be dh draining a bank acct? Good luck w/attorney visits. Hope you have a list of questions ready and that you can write fast in terms of replies so that you don't forget what you're told (like I do so have to write things down to make sure I remember correctly).

[dshobbies]

Unusual activity on bank account??????

Sounds a little fishy and to protect yourself, especially with no communication, it can't hurt to close the account or at least withdraw most of the money. If your husband accuses you of anything your response would be that if he talked to you, you wouldn't have had to take such a drastic step. But, both Maria and I drew the same conclusion!!!!!!

To appease Mark, though I'm sure he doesn't mind - I stopped taking Celebrex a few weeks ago. It's one of two black listed meds I take and I've been on it for 6 years so... I really do need this drug but will probably not go back on. The burning in both of my feet has increased drastically, especially when laying down. I cannot get comfortable in bed at all. The sensitivity of the skin on my left ankle has also increased to the point I try not to touch it. Though I hate the heat of the summer, I dread the cooler weather's need for shoes. Good news though, I thought my thigh would be my biggest problem - not so. It is still mostly numb with almost no muscle tone but the pain did not increase.

Good luck with your lawyer appointments~

Dale

[jsewell]

Dale I'm sorry about the celebrex being so bad. I'm more sorry that it worked for you and now you are in pain. Anything else for nerve pain?

I called the automated bank last night. the unusual activity was from ME. When Becka and i were out, we spent $40 at one store and $66 at another and then i had to buy her new computer a battery, Jeff bought her a used one and it had an almost dead battery. So it was $140. that was the unusual activity!!! I really have not shopped in such a long time between my foor and back surgery this summer. then the neck in Jan. and the back last sept. So that was just me. He seems to be taking out cash or charging into his business visa. Fine with me.
Have to get ready to take Becka to school. Hope i don't fall asleep on the attorney this afternoon, i got so little sleep after being so tired last night, i couldn't fall asleep., I assigned the kids all kind of things because i was just too tired to move. I guess i was too tired to sleep too as i went to bed early only to lie awake until at least 2.
judy

[Maria]

Hey Dale I'm having rt. foot issues. Bunion bugging me quite a bit, last two toes are sort of swollen and reddened at times and the burning of the sole of this foot sort of drives me mad when walking and wearing tennies as it's been so danged hot yesterday and today. I really could hardly walk yesterday for foot symptoms.

Today is better tho I wore sandels to my hair appt and not closed toe shoes as this right foot is just not happy right now re heat. Actually even left foot is itching and burning a bit.

Judy.. are you able to have a teeny bit of wine? When I'm super tired and can't sleep if I have a little bit of wine that usually puts me right off to sleep and if I'm really tired I can actually sleep. If not the wine bothers me more than helps. I know you have a few additional health concerns so am just wondering.

[jsewell]

Yes, i rarely do, but can drink wine. May have to try it if i have a repeat of last night. Off not to the verizon store to replace Tim's phone, he spilled a drink on it.
He told Jeff and i was really hoping he would help and take him to the store. NO chance.
judy

[jsewell]

Hi Maria i was looking at the weather for next week, seems like tuesday will be a good beach day, i am a beach lover and live too far away. Tuesday works for me , how about you and we will have to post it and ask Mark too.
I don't remember if i posted about yesterday's attorney experience. He was almost useless, spent the free 30 minutes talking about himself. Actually first 45 minutes so he didn't charge me for his time talking. Only $100 for the last 15 minutes, he took forever to answer a question., Seemed he didn't take me seriously as i was all about how long it takes and how much does it cost!! Only found out the least retainer he takes is $7500 and he said people usually end up owing him money after that. Won't be going to him , he talks to much for a simple question $$$ didn't learn too much either.

Today's firm has emailed and asked me to bring in tax forms, pay check stubs, any other monetary investments. So i think they seem like they would give more answers. I need to collect as much as i can find around here.

Oh and Jeff emailed me back that we can meet tonight after me emailing him about attorneys!!! Guess i scared him ,he must know he would have to pay for mine too. I'll have lots to report tomorrow.
Saw my gastro doc yesterday, i have been having symptoms related to stress. I told him about Jeff (he also has 4 kids) he understands the stress of dealing with 4 kids together married. So what does he tell me , to lower my stress. Nice one. Used to do it through running. Can't run since 08 and my hip replacement. I used to go hiking up far, can't do that, i can't even barely make it around the block!!!!
I am now going to search for financial info and write down what i can't find.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I'm not sure I can make it Tues as I am sort of behind on getting things done around here because of the heat and my feet acting up these last few days which seems to happen whenever it's too hot or ?? (whatever). I have a busy weekend is the reason I'm not sure I can make it Tues as normally I could push things to the weekend (tho no parking here in front of apt. on weekends so impossible to carry stuff upstairs or a block away from my parking space).

If Monday isn't too late to let you know we can leave it like that tho if Mark needs more notice then maybe we can make it either later in the week or the following week.

Heard from the Real Estate agent this morning that the property I put an offer on in Point Loma SD got several offers so seller is going to counter back asking about $8000 more than I offered. It's a Probate property and the owner died in it and it needs work (not loads thats obvious to the eye tho enough) so I can only offer so much. So will see how that goes. I'll probably counter the counter with a certain amt. and/or seller pays closing costs or part of ... ?? not sure. Would love to get the place tho have to be practical/realistic on what I can afford.

re the divorce attorney: Hope the next consultation with a divorce attorney goes better and it probably will since they're already telling you what to bring.

Since your husband wanted to leave Judy it may be that he's actually going to be glad you've decided to get an attorney (meaning you're not fighting the divorce except to perhaps get what you need/want) and will agree to paying fully for the divorce. Of course another tactic re payment is to use is say you won't divorce him unless he pays or maybe just get a legal seperation and that way he would still have to pay your healthcare benefits if you've got them with his employer as well asking for some sort of monthly payment/support (like to pay for food/shelter/etc) for you and your children. Or maybe your husband realizes he's probably going to end up paying for it anyway and will be OK. Hopefully your talk w/him will go well. Good luck.

Too bad that other attorney was so full of himself and didn't really give you information you needed!

[jsewell]

Maria you can tell me on Monday , no problem. I'm having a problem which aside from making me very light headed, is really messing with my typing. I keep making mistakes .
This attorney was really nice, totally different experience than the other attorney. I left with a printout of what i could expect to receive. She said with the rough draft and a computer program of some kind we decided to ente info into these are the preliminary figures . I would get $2,000 for Becka, but only for a short time as the divorce takes 6 months to complete after all the paperwork has been submitted. Becka will be turning 28 about 6 months after. for me not working i get $4,000. i forgot the other numbers . But it probably take all that money to run this house hold every month. Our rent alone is $2650. I may have to move somewhere cheaper.

My meeting with Jeff was devistating. , you guessed it, he has a girl friend. That really upsets me. Now i know where he was all the time he got home so late from work, taking 5 hours to go to the Farmer's market on Saturdays. He was always gone to "Church" all day on Sunday , then off for a bike ride. This makes me so upset for me and the kids. He keeps saying he is going to be a better father this way. He is nuts or being strongly inflluenced by this other women.
Bedtime for me , if i can shut off my mind.
judy


I meant to say Becka will be turning 18!! not 28 and the program would not let me scroll up to the top of the page to corect it.

[Maria]

Good going re 2nd attorney and information gathered. Re the GF.. I guessed that because it sounded that way from his absenses, his actions that you described, at least to me. Re him being a better father that would depend on whether or not he fulfills his parental responsibilities bare minimum however I do think w/o lying and being secretive about whereabouts that will free up emotions quite a bit and be open with the kids if they accept him after learning that. I imagine they will be upset too at least for a certain amount of time though that may well depend on how you react.

I know this is a lot to digest but it's far better it come out in the open than to continue on for x amt. of time while living together. Now you have even more information for your divorce attorney and it should make the process much smoother as I don't think your husband will have a problem paying for whatever given the circumstances (will probably do so out of guilt).

Good luck Judy and maybe you could even get enough $ from this to buy a home at this point while the interest rates are low and property values are too. Think of yourself as your children are older and while they will need a place to visit in the future you may be living alone in a few years so please please do think of yourself.

Editing to add that I'm wondering what's up with the light headedness? Esp. if affecting your ability to type? Be careful today with whatever you're doing esp. if feeling like this and/or please be seen if necessary or call your doctor. It would be too easy to think that it's just the stress of what you're going thru but that could definately be compounding something else. Hope you're staying well hydrated with the weather being what it has been.

[jsewell]

Thanks Maria for all your comments , they mean a lot to me. I am still shocked and wonder if this women knows he is married with 4 kids. Pretty rotten of her too. WEll last night he swore that he does not have another account and will continue support. Boy the tears were gone, but back again after learning of his girl. I told him about 4 things he missed in the last 10 days and asked how that is a better father leaving it all up to me . I know this is all hindering my recovery. I told him the car dealership sent all Randy's registration info to the DMV and someone (me) has to go and stand in line to try to find it. He did not volunteer to do that. He had no advice on getting our 16 year old to do her school work and did not volunteer to get her to school at 1 on monday or wednesday when i am able to work. She would not speak to him when he was here , Randy did not either. Actually Jamie didn't either. He called Tim to come downstairs and said on Saturday at 3 he would come and teach him how to parallel park. I have , as with the other 2 drivers done all the instruction.

On Saturday i am going to go and see his aunt that just had her second hip replaced. Her son will be leaving once he gets her settled home from the hospital. Her husband is disabled and required full time care givers. Jeff is very close to his cousin , but you don't see him rushing to help her,. I know she won't let me do anything do to my recent surgery, but i can at least pour her something to drink and get her some thing to eat. I remember those first days on crutches where you cannot carry anything.

I have a hematology appointment today, then Tim has a dentist appointment at 2. I am so tired today, maybe do to whatever was going on yesterday with the lightheadedness. I could have slept later but have a morning appointment. Figures! I have to call first and make sure my lab info from Tuesday is there before i bother going. Wish i could go back to sleep!!
judy