Surgery Monday August 8th

[Maria]

Judy,
I'm so sorry to read how unsupportive or helpful your husband seems to be. I swear I think his money will not take the place of his love however hopefully it will at least be consistant in terms of arrival time/payment. But to ensure that I'd definately get it all in writing legally thru a divorce court. He just doesn't sound very reliable or dependable at least from what I'm reading.

I bet his GF knows he has a wife and 4 children. If he were having to support 4 younger children re child support perhaps the woman wouldn't be in the picture but since your children are older and only one will receive child support for a period that is probably a factor of consideration.

I don't know really because I have never thought like that re hooking up with someone. I had always said I wouldn't marry anyone with children and definately not butt into a relationship in progress whatever it's state tho I did end up marrying someone with a 16 y.o. altho his wife had left him, his son and the country two years after they were married. So she was well out of the picture.

I dunno.. don't understand women that go for married men and men that go for married women still living with their spouses or at least not seperated.

And I've been devastated before so know what that's like and feel for your sadness and shock with regard to your husband's actions. I know you are going to go thru a lot before you feel differently although I'm sure your feelings will change but for now while you're trying to heal from surgery and you're trying to cope with the emotional heave ho you've just had plus all the responsibilites I'm wondering how your husband could be so uncaring even tho he's not committed to the relationship with the family at this point (or so it sounds).

Sounds like your hub has his priorities screwed up and/or pretty much focused on himself. You deserve better!!!!

Ok looking forward to meeting you in person and meanwhile anytime you think I am overstepping my boundries with advice or verbage just say so.. I don't want you to suffer any additional fools! hugs/take care, Maria

[dshobbies]

Have you ever been so angry you could actually spit? Well I won't say anything because none of it is nice.

Judy, I'm devastated. I've often said that if a marriage is over, it is over but taking on a girlfriend (or boyfriend) is cowardly and self centered. Why on earth anyone would want to hurt and betray the person they're supposed to care about, the person with whom they've spent so much of their life... Just end the marriage and then get yourself another life. Doing it bass ackwards says a lot about a person's character, especially when faced with spousal health problems.

Jeff does not want to stay a family member. His actions indicate he has no plans on performing any fatherly duties. You should plan and act accordingly and be pleasantly surprised if he does something generous.

OK, now some harsh words - Judy, this man thought nothing of hurting you. This man has no intention of helping you or making your life easier. Despite promises to the contrary, it does not sound like he can be trusted even though you want to. He has betrayed you and will think little of doing it again. Especially when listening to the suggestions of a woman who thinks nothing about breaking up a family, you probably should not trust Jeff.

What you eventually decide to do is 100% your decision. I'm simply speaking from a person outside the forest. What you want and what you have are not the same things. I beg you to keep this is mind at all times and to protect yourself. If you hope for more, I fear you'll be disappointed. If you allow yourself to become hopeful, I'm afraid your health will take the hit as your emotions can directly impact your healing process.

Wrap yourself up in a cocoon of positive emotions. Stay positive as you deal with whatever you have to. If he comes through, think about how pleasantly surprised you'll be instead of hurt when he doesn't.

I know, easier said than done but worth a huge try!

And now that you know what you will probably be entitled to, perhaps Jeff will also try to reach a nice compromise without expensive attorneys. One can only hope.

And Judy, you can't be there for your children and help them with what they must deal with if you don't take care of yourself first. You have already become lighthheaded and your admit to being tired which I think may be more emotional than physical but you're doing too much. PLEASE take care of yourself.

You have my support in what ever I can do for you -

Dale

[Maria]

I would not trust a man that did what your husband did to you and I'd definately get a really good divorce attorney and make sure you get your $$$ and support tho by no kind of verbal or even written agreement with your husband only~ no way, only by way of legally binding agreement!

Hope you are eating Judy. I don't eat when stressed. I drop weight so quickly when emotionally distraught (that's the ONLY reason I like to be emotionally distraught!) but it's not worth it to make oneself sick.

Judy, you aren't losing something you didn't really have. And look at it this way~ Jeff's GF is gaining someone that would do what he did to you and your children so that doesn't sound too special to me.

I know nothing I say will really make a difference re your emotions as whenever someone devastates us in this manner we have to go thru it ourselves to get to the other side. Tho believe me when that day comes you'll be dancing in the street! You may not think so now tho that day will come...

I really like the way Dale stated everything. Not sugar coated at all tho very very good insight/advice.

Remember to eat and try to sleep and write whenever (whatever) you feel like. I must go as Lola is lying here by my feet as I type and she is passing the worst stench of gas imaginable.. ugghhhhhhh I'm going to pass out! bye now!

[jsewell]

i was definitely getting an attorney after finding out what he did and is doing. but it got even worse as the night went on. My older daughter was looking for some paper in my younger daughters room and found a letter the younger one wrote to jeff on the first day he left. He was not answering her phone calls or emails at the time or texts so she wrote this. It is a good letter, i wish she would send it to his office.
any way in it she writes, "i know you have been cheating on mom, in 7th grade (4 years ago) you gave me your blackberry and i still have all the messages on it." Then i was telling my oldest son and he says, i wasn't very surprised that he said he has a girl friend because in Georgia in our first house (15 years ago) he was on jeff's computer and got instant messaged by some women. So he has been cheating on me through at least half the marriage. Maybe even more. The pig. Explains why he earns so much and we have so little. Poor Becka , who has been an emotional mess ever since we got to California has been holding this info in all this time . Explains a lot about her behavior. Also teenage hormones.

Unfortunately today will be a relatively busy day. Then school tomorrow and i even forgot it is a final in medical coding . We didn't have class last week do to the holiday and i almost forgot entirely about the class. Need to study tonight after my unfortunate running to the grocery store and getting my daughter materials for a project.

My right leg and hip were completely pain free (onlya tiny bit left) after my last injections 3 weeks ago., I started hearing from my hip yesterday and now this morning it really hurt. It doesn't go down my leg, but the darn hip again. I was supposed to have injections for the left leg and hip pain now it will be for both,. Then what happens if it comes back in three weeks after that? I wish i could at least get a break on the pain level. It makes it difficult to walk. I should be going for long walks by now and instead i barely make it around the block with Buddy. But at least no gas from him!!

well it is time to get in the shower and start my day. I have a headache too. No fun.
thanks again for all of your advice and help
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
sounds like the kids have known for quite a while your husband has been up to some "stuff" and kept that in and sheltered you from this disturbing/devastating news.

Well good to know your husband makes good $ since you're in a community property state.

If I were you I'd have no plans to return to work because A) you're not sure you can B) you don't know if you can hold a position if you get one C) you probably can get alimony payments until you either can return to work and support yourself or until you remarry and someone else would support you.

So my advice there is not to be in a rush to return to work or at least to not let it be known that you are planning on returning to work.

You would have no difficulty getting doctors to back you up stating you wouldn't be able to work full time Judy with everything you have had done and going on in your life physically.

In that your husband has admitted to adultry you probably have an airtight case tho since I'm no attorney just think that but do not know that for certain.

I do hope your spine and hip will feel better with more injections though I also think that you shouldn't count too much on a complete remission from pain and/or regarding a return to work full time.

Take your time,heal well and just press on with the legal counsel/divorce and let your husband support you monetarily since he cannot do it emotionally or be much of any help to the family.

Hope your exam goes well tomorrow!

[dshobbies]

Judy,

When I think about what you've had to deal with in such a short time- A healthy person would have emotional problems manifested into physical ones.

We all realize you're running on empty and perhaps not thinking as clearly as could be. I agree with Maria about you're not working, at least not for awhile. Your days, which you need for healing and taking care of your family would no longer be yours. You'd be exhausted by days end and nothing left for anyone, including yourself which will do no one any good. I know you want to feel beneficial to your family and you worry about financial matters, etc. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made on the short side to the benefit of the long outcome.

One of the benefits of hiring an attorney is hiring an accountant to audit your husband's finances for past years. If money has been disappearing on other women, you'd probably be entitled to half of his squanderings. If he makes good money but has little to show for it, he may have hidden investments which a forensic accountant can hopefully find.

Judy, I think the one thing and Maria and I want for you more than anything else is a pain free and healthy life. We both know that begins with you, however difficult. You have much to do and only so much time in which to do it - yet when you had to, you asked the kids for help. Keep that up, please.

Dale

[jsewell]

thanks guys and i will probably hire an attorney soon, i may see 2 more this week and then pick one.
the first 2 charge $7500 retainers. Just want to see if that is the norm around here. He will pay anyway. Becka reminded me that she turns 18 while still in high school so he will have to pay until she graduates. another 6 months after, i was happy to hear about that. I told the attorney that i liked that i could not work and could get a doctors letter . My spine doc would be more than happy to do that for me. I do have a psychiatrist also , but i don't know if that is a good idea to include him. Possibly one from the endocrinologist i volunteer for. He knows of the difficulty i've had with Jeff as we have known each other for close to 10 years now. I have not been back and may wait another month or ask my surgeon what he thinks.
The kids are doing anything i ask. Becka just told me about the blackberry and the emails jeff got from women. It is still in our house, she just does not know where.
As far as money hidden, i don't think so, as he spends tons and once spent $5,000 in one month for food , i thought was just for himself. Probably was dining a few women that month.
bye for now
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I actually think a statement from all your doctors including your pyschiatrist would be helpful. Remember that life events that carry the most impact are something along the lines of marriage, birth of children, loss of parent/family member, divorce, new job, retirement etc... so what is going on re your married life has a great impact on your mental health and a great impact on your ability to heal from major surgery. So I think it would be important to have a statement from this physician as well as others.

Again when you talk the attorney ask him or her about this. I'm sure you'll be advised as to what would be the most beneficial to your case.

Dale is correct in that we both want to see you heal as best you're able and to have as little pain as possible. I also think we both want to see that you aren't taken advantage of in a vunerable state and that actually given the circumstances are able to do the best with it that you can.

Glad to hear that your children will do anything you ask so I do hope you "ask away or rather delegate away to the best of your nuturing ability!

BTW would you like to take care of another dog?? just thought I'd slip that in there to see if you would delegate that responsibility back to the rightful owner!! She's not as *noxious* today as she was yesterday!

Re $5000 on food one month.. WOW! Sounds like there was a party!

[jsewell]

Maria
i just dd a dumb thing, i went to visit an aunt and left my reading glasses there. I need them really bad for school tomrrow. but i couldn't make the trip out to almost Santa Monica again. the traffic was bad coming home and with my right leg hurting i probably shouldn't be driving , not that far.
Another day, but now i have to go out and get some cheaters.
i don't want to , but oh well

Jeff was supposed to come and practice driving with Tim., but Tim had texted himn telling him not to come. He told me he did not want to have to spend time with him.

[Maria]

Judy,
I certainly understand the I can't see w/o my reading glasses situation because that is me! Hope you get your cheaters for tomorrow's class! RE the driving w/bad leg.. ummm...yeah.. guess that's gonna hurt. Hope the pain is gone tomorrow or much less!

[jsewell]

I actually found my glasses in my car. Don't know how they jumped out of my purse, but they are prescription and boy was i happy. then later i lost my cell phone! my daughter found that for me.
judy

[Maria]

You were having a "Maria" kind of day!!! I too have prescription readers tho keep them at home and have bought a number of store readers that suffice to leave at home, in car, at dh's .. in this bag, that purse.. etc. Just went to CostCo last week w/new vision script and got Progressives *?* in regular glasses and sunglasses. Hope they don't give me a h/a as never used them before.

** not sure if the ones that would normally be a bifocal but instead don't show the line are called progressives or something like that.. forgot. Neurontin flashback moment!

[dshobbies]

I lose more glasses than I can actually remember having. After so many procedures, I only need readers and keep 2 in my purse, 2 in my office, 2 at my chair and 1 in every other room in the house. I buy them at Costco in packs of 3. Pain in the a__.

Losing things is a new way of life for me. I've heard that is you put something down where you don't usually keep it and say it out loud, you'll remember. It works but only if you remember to say it!

Judy, I know losing things is normal but in your case, you have too much on your mind. Driving to visit aunt, no matter how well intentioned, not a good idea!

You and your children are going to need time to adjust. I imagine it will take more time than anyone is willing to give it. please be patient.

Dale

[jsewell]

I sure needed my glasses in my coding class today. It was the last day and there was a lot of looking at tiny ,tiny print

I actually felt like I was walking straighter today. I didn't get much sleep and did not even have time to shower (gross)
Ill see if it remains the same, my back, or it was just a fluke. Actually it is probably the percocet. I have other pain meds , but the percocet really works best on me. My surgeon prescribed nucynta, I don't know if anyone has tried that one.
Although i still have the back and hip pain. I see my surgeon tomorrow and we will probably set up more injections for the following week. Oh and my right leg (which i thought was fixed all the way , until it started hurting about 2 days ago and my foot went numb a few times on my bed and i had it just out stretched in front of me.

The great news is i just aced my medical coding class. I really was worried about the final, he allowed us to help each other out. Nice teacher. He is also teaching the last class , medical billing. I even missed the first class do to the surgery. So i feel pretty good about it all.

judy

[Maria]

On acing your medical coding class! Hope your visit w/the doctor goes well today(?) or whenever it is!

[dshobbies]

Acing your exam, two thumbs up and I just realized, learning, studying, etc. takes your mind off of your problems. However, not happy about your right leg. I think my legs hurt the most when I am completely horizontal. Zero gravity works best for me.

[andy]

Had my dyneses operation in March 2007,had NO physio,but all seemed to be ok. BUT!!!! its all going pear shaped,after sitting down for only a minute i cant straighten up. Lots of pain down my left leg and numbness. Made my mind up im having it taken out,as i dont trust the procedure. Screws are becoming loose and nerve damage is taking effect. 1 word of advice DO NOT HAVE DYNESES!!!!! My research has been intensive.

[jsewell]

Hi and welcome
Andy
i had to look up the dyneses system as i had never heard of it. I have low bone density issues so i would never have been a candidate for it anyway. As i was looking it up , i saw a lot of unsatisfied customers as yourself
Do you have to get a fusion now? i just added to my long ,long fusion with one of L3 and L4 so now i am fused from C4 thru L4. I've had lots of spinal problems and have had 6 spinal surgeries, but not really any problems with my fusions. I am sorry for all your pain at this time. Is this worse than your original pain that required surgery? just curious.

I saw my wonderful spine surgeon yesterday and did not write down my questions so i did not remember to ask him a thing!!!So mad at myself. He first asked how i was doing as he was the first person i saw after jeff left me 2 weeks ago. He is really concerned and then asked about each of my kids, gave me some advice that i just have to be a rock for the kids. TEll them that i will never leave them, which is what i immediately told them all. I repeated to Becka (16) yesterday as she was having a meltdown. Then we went on to look at some of last visits xrays. He told me that my body will be more inflammed do to my stress and wants to wait a few more weeks before deciding on shots as i did see some improvement in the last 2 weeks. I also saw some backwards movement too. So i will see him again in 3 weeks and then he will decide on more injections. Then he told me he would always be here for me, would never leave me for another women!! WE talked about church and religious beliefs as Jeff had just started going to church this year and did the exact opposite of what any religion would teach.

life goes on one day at a time!!
judy

i'm going to try really hard not to misplace my keys today

[dshobbies]

Hi Andy and welcome,

Please start a new thread and tell us about yourself and your circumstances.

It was a dyneses radio commercial that actually started me on the road to ADRs. I looked it up on the internet and found a somewhat local doctor who suggested ADRs and definitely not dyneses. The rest is history.

Judy, glad your doctor recognized how emotional turmoil is taking it's toll on your back. But then again, you were looking forward to getting some relief which I guess will now have to come from you! Listen up lady - even your doctor is telling you to slow down though putting in terms of too much stress. I know staying strong for you kids doesn't mean you can't depend on them for easing your physical responsibilites. They are aware and to some degree, it's a two way street. You cross emotionally and let them cross physically. Hey, I like it!

Dale

[jsewell]

DAle i really am laying around as much as i can . i also only walk my dog when i feel pretty good and have the time. The reason i go out so often is for my medical appointments. My back is the most difficult, but i still have many more issues. My stomach and intestines are suffering from stress too.!!!
Three years ago when my job ( well my supervisors) were causing so much stress my endocrinologist asked me first if i had to work, i told him yes so he told me I HAD to find another job., So i do know that stress with my messed up endo system is a bad thing. Now that I have adrenal insufficiency it even more so effects me as i don't make the hormones that deal with stress. My spine surgeon knows this and mentioned it is even worse for me.

The other problem with not getting the injections next week is my daughter will be in school and she has classes on Wednesdays. I will have to beg neighbors, well only one i can ask and then not many other choices for drivers. UGHH
judy

[dshobbies]

Or you can tell Jeff his daughter needs a ride and now would be a good time to start being a better father!

[jsewell]

i guess i presented that one not so good. Jamie, my wonderful 22 year starts at UC Irvine next week. She has classes on Wednesday. this is the day that my wonderful surgeon does injections . so it is I that need a ride there and back!

I just had a free consultation with another attorney. I like this guy and I think he will be the one i pick. His retainer is $3500 and he said we would ask for attorneys fees so i most likely will not have to pay these.
He also shed the light on the fact that if i get divorced, medical insurance will cancel me (on jeff's policy) Jeff would have to pay up the wazzoo for me, but i am not insurable. Lets face in 12 surgeries in 4 years. No one will want me.
He suggested legal separation so we will still be married, he will still have to pay spousal support and child support , really the only difference will come if he wants to get married to his girlfriend.
Once Becka's support ends i will no longer be able to stay where i am, i will only get enough for rent and food . Lots of mouths to feed here. That sucks, but i still have just a little under 2 years. How expensive is it in your neck of the woods Dale?
Any other socal people with an idea how much a 3 bedroom house would cost to rent ?
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Legal seperation sounds good for you in order to continue the medical benefits. I hope that your husband will agree to this so that you can continue with your health care benefits as well as getting needed financial support.

Nice that your doctor won't leave you. Sounds like a caring soul. Do hope that you won't have trouble getting a ride to the doctor for your injections and that the rest you can catch inbetween things will allow for some decrease in inflammation of "what ails you!"

I think here 3 bedroom houses go for around $2300-$3200 depending on the neighborhood and size/condition of house (and proximity to beach).

Today I picked up my new glasses at CostCo and the guy that helped me too the wrong pair to make the regular glasses with (I had two frames but had decided on one I liked better). So when I saw they were silver frames I knew he had goofed as I remember making the comment that I liked the frame but wasn't going to go with them because they were silver.

The guy that was helping me today at first said I'd have to pay for the lens again even tho he could switch the frames so I said "forget it" and started to walk off and he thought the better of it and called me back over and said "you're the customer so I'll do it at no extra charge" so that was good as I'm sure he knew I was going to say something to people if they asked me with regard to someone screwing up in the CostCo eyewear dept! I had also gotten two pairs of prescription sunglasses so I'm sure that factored into his reconsideration.

As I was passing the reading glasses (3 pairs for $18 non prescription) I thought of you (and me) and almost thought I should buy these too! Never can have enough spare readers! Thankfully tho I have one pair of prescription readers I can get by with non prescription ones as well.

Ok babbling on enough here! Was going to give Lola a bath tho am thinking maybe "later!"

[jsewell]

Jamie and i went to the doggie beach today , but i left mine at home. Even though he is only 16 pounds he can be stubborn walking on a leash and pull so i sadly left him home. I just didn't want to have to deal with any dog. Henry (bigger dog) had a good time in the water with my daughter.
so i tried to lay on my back , the upper part felt better , but i didn't have enough support under my neck the first try so it somehow made some awful lumbar pain. So i decided to not try that move again. But dumb me tried on my stomach, but i forgot to get some blanket rolled up for my head and as it can't turn all the way to the side, it was just hanging there . so i gave up on anything but sitting., I have this type of camping chair that supports your back. i don't seem worse for the wear, but tomorrow will tell.
Maria i figured you would have told me if you could have made it.
Nice day at the beach for a change.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I had a call on Monday late about my glasses being ready so knew I was going in the a.m. to pick them up as it's less busy then a bit later in the day at CostCo. Thankfully I got there a bit after it opened but as usual spent more time than I planned there. I figured as much would happen so don't often plan anything after CostCo unless it's another little ride or thing in town and a bit of a rest in between.

I like to get to the dog beach around 11a.m. when I go during the week tho I know parking is probably not such a big issue as compared to the weekend.

Lola also pulls when walking and lately she has been "very difficult!" But last evening she was really "something else" as I was out with a few friends at a local little bistro and we were sitting on the patio having a glass of wine. I had said I was going to leave when the food came because Lola even though she had eaten well enough that day acts like she's never been fed if there is food close by. Sure enough and true to my word she did just that but that wasn't the worse thing she did. One of the other small dogs had wanted to say a "doggie hello" to her in that sniffing bumm way and Lola took Sasha down .. I guess she wasn't in the mood!

Poor little Sasha is a sweet little dog and thankfully she wasn't acting hurt or scared so I think Lola just made a lot of noise with a squealing bark and nip while getting Sasha to understand what was off limits.

There were 5 dogs total.. 3 small ones and 2 bigger ones then the bigger dogs started barking and Lo had to chime in non stop so by then I knew we had to leave. Too bad as it was a nice evening out with the gals chatting and enjoying a nice glass of Shiraz.

Glad to hear you made it to the beach and hopefully you will not pay for trying to get comfortable. I usually just keep walking with Lola and not sit at all though if my feet bother me then I stop. Lo loves the waves so she has a good time walking and running there tho unlike a bigger dog I don't trust her to go off by herself so have to keep up w/her.

[dshobbies]

Not that we live near any beach, doggy or otherwise, Lucy can't walk much anymore. Our shepherd Krystal used to love to walk on the beach but Lucy is getting old and we had to stop taking her on her nightly walks, something she enjoyed very much. We even had to put throw rugs down our tiled hall because she trips and falls everyday on the tile. Aging is a bitch.

Judy - we live in the northwest corner of the San Fernando Valley, which is also the northwest corner of Los Angeles City. Though the county extends for several cities north, it's all expensive. So CA in general is one of the most expensive areas in the US.

However, and I'm truly sorry for all those affected, you might consider buying something out of a foreclosure. Interest rates are very low and a townhouse should have enough room for your family without the upkeep of a house. As the economy rebounds (if) you'll have something that appreciates in value instead of the other way around. Home ownership has the advantages of mortgage and tax deductions which also lower the price of ownership. Just thinking out loud - You can visit websites, like californiamoves.com to see what's available if you think you can swing it. Good luck,

Dale

[Maria]

re the home purchase idea. Now is a great time to buy if one has a down payment and can work out a mortgage (which perhaps you can get your husband to do for you re your situation) as currently buying a home a foreclosure or even a traditional sale is probably a cheaper way to go than rent and esp. with interest rates so low.

Like Dale stated when property appreciates you'd have the option of selling and then taking a profit hopefully and relocating if you still wanted to with some money to pocket or perhaps staying on.

This is my plan. I've seen a number of places that I like and can live in the next 7 years easily while I still have two incomes (SSD and LTD) however I'm trying to get something that will still be viable re costs when I'm only getting SSD.

I have looked at short sales, REOs, and traditional sales. I've only made two offers and one I got out of after finding something out that made me not want to live there and the other offer was made an a property that was a Probate "as is" sale which someone could afford to offer more than I did and that was taken. I'm still looking.

Good luck! While CA is expensive this is the best it's been for home buying in quite some while re prices/interest rates.

[jsewell]

My response just disappeared for the second time this week. My computer has been playing tricks on me, misspelling words included. How much is it for a pair of glasses at costco. My daughter wants to join, but i am not sure about it. I usually pay around $300 no matter what the discount is.
Lola was a trouble maker last night. It is better than what i have experienced in the past . My son at age 3 decided he was a dog. He woofed at everyone that spoke to him, he drank like a dog and ate like a dog (no hands) I'm not kidding, it lasted for months. Maybe even like 6 months, i remember him woofing at the school Christmas program in the auditorium in the microphone after his class was leaving the stage (he had also woffed the whole song)
less embarrassing when it comes from your dog. sorry you had to leave though.

I don't know about my ability to purchase anything Dale, i haven't had a job in 3 years. I don't know about any type of townhouse accepting 2 dogs and a cat and a snake!! Jeff's credit was too bad when we were looking for houses to apply for any foreclosures. Not sure if i could. I don't think i would do anything immediately, we should be good here until Becka graduates in June if 2013. Between Child and spousal support i should be able to cut back and manage unless i can get more money out of him. I figure the time is now, because he obviously feels guilty about it.

The attorney i spoke to yesterday (finally a free one) told me if i get divorced, i loose the husbands health insurance. If i get a legal separation, the insurance should keep coverage as i will still be married to him. all finances are separate and property too. But i just talked to an insurance agent and he said jeff's boss will be the one who decides. That totally sucks, they are also good friends and who knows he may have met this girl from his group of friends. this is getting more difficult.
So far the insurance said yes , it it was a legal separation they would keep me on. Now for the boss.
I also found out that after Cobra ends you can for 63 days get continueing coverage with no medical info divulged or used on the same plan. I sure wish i had known that when my Cobra ended in July. It is expensive , but a much better plan . So i end up saving in the long run. I added on to Jeff's so i don't qualify. The cost right now is $700 per month. Isn't that crazy. I need a job with good benefits. And a driver to take my daughter to school for an hour on Monday and Wed at 1!!
judy

[Maria]

The boy that woofed.. bet that was embarrassing tho when they're children at least one can say "he's a kid!" Now if he bit someone and you'd be liable .. ooppps!

Well re the boss making the decision I don't think he's going to do something that will hurt you just to aid his friend's case as I think when it comes to a legal understanding hopefully people will be thinking of all aspects and how that could impact you leaving you w/o health insurance. As you said now is the time as Jeff feels guilty so whatever you can use as leverage to get at least what you really need is important.

CostCo glasses.. what a deal~ I checked all around and CostCo by far will give the best deal. Single vision glasses depending on the frame are well under $200. I got 2 pairs of glasses each one being progressives (the no line bifocal) for around $300 w/tax. Each one seperately with a frame of $49 (designer frames) was $144 I think.

And then they take off $25 if you do two pairs and more if you do 3 pairs and so forth.

I've been very happy w/my CostCo glasses and frames. The membership is well worth the discounts you can get there on food and various items, plus glasses and such.

Ok Judy I have to take a walk for some exercise here. Went out with Lola earlier for a walk but she's just too slow for me when it comes to walking for exercise now. She piddles around pulling stopping and just being stubborn. So she's getting left here until our evening walk.

I think my friends aren't going to want to see her anytime soon even tho they were saying "It's ok because she's so cute." Cute my rear~ she was a pain!!!!

[dshobbies]

FYI,

An VA loan is assumable with no credit check. A va loan is available only to veterans. Then upon selling their house, they can, at their option, have their loan assumed by the buyer.

A VA loan required no down payment so the chance of someone in trouble, who cannot make their payments, etc. and who has lost enough equity, etc. that can make up for years of payments - may also require no down payment. The loan is assumed at whatever the original interest rate...

With interest rates so low, an assumable loan may not be as attractive so these loans my be out there. Since interest rates have been on the decline for several years now, this type of loan may still be attractive. If you're interested, contact a local real estate agent and see what they have to say.

Many smaller townhouse associations have fewer restrictions on animals but then again, you're not restricted to townhouses, I just think it would be a little easier on you but the cost of a gardner, etc. may be less than association dues. You could be careful about putting aside funds for upkeep... I still think it would be less expensive than rent.

Food for thought - Dale

[Maria]

Judy,
There are other programs available as well and perhaps if you have a lump of cash for a down pay and then will have a steady income via Jeff you can get into something.

For animals that stay indoors I don't always quote the exact number (2 cats 1 dog) as most condos only allow one pet under 25 lbs or maybe 2 and some say they will "look the other way" if one has a cat that is an indoor animal besides a small dog.

I had difficulty finding a rental apt. that would take me, my 3 cats and one dog when I was looking a while back. Many places wanted a pet deposit and/or monthly pet rent which would have increased costs altho I did find a place that didn't require either.

Just keep an open mind and think about things as this is your future Judy so you will want to do the best you are able considering where the economy is at right now. 2 years from now might be a bit different situation should the economy improve.

When you do hire your attorney be sure to present ideas as a consideration in terms of what you might need so that you can continue to live in the same manner that you are currently and while you'd like to return to work since it's not a definate and no where on the horizon I'd just go with what the current situation is and make the very best of it (in terms of what you need/want for you and your family tho particularly you/your future as your kids are older).

[jsewell]

Maria and Dale i can't tell you how much i value and enjoy your info and advice and suggestions. It is great.
Right now for a few hours on percocet i feel like i can stand up straight and walk OK. I haven't tried any more than a trip around the block with Buddy. I really need to loose my chubby middle and exercise more. I am getting a little impatient. I know i have to wait and it has only been like a little over a month since my surgery. a long pain free walk would be awesome.

I will definitely keep an open mind about buying a house. although i know what is around here as i just spent 2 months looking. I just know i need to stay in the area for the next 2 years and after that maybe leave the area or leave the state.

On the good news front, i did find out from the HR person at jeffs office that the boss does not have to be involved. the insurance allows me to continue coverage as a legally separated spouse and the boss has nothing to do with it. She told me it happens all the time. Good thing this newest attorney told me this very important info. So that made me calm down a little.

Last night my legs were really hurting in the quad area down to me knees. I don't know what that was all about. I have been bad about taking neurontin 3 times a day, that is the only thing i can think of that would be causing a problem. as far as my hip pain, it is fluctuating between hips. One day the left hurts and the right is OK and the next day it is the opposite.
any ideas on that ?
thanks again for all your replies
judy

[Maria]

Hi Judy,
I don't know about if you've missed your neurontin or ? however I do know that my neuropathies used to be aggravated by activities and also as injections (ESIs) wore off they were more prominant. I had them in my quads, my calves, basically bilaterally down both legs and into my feet as well (burning) tho the gnawing burning deep pain was mostly in my quads and calves and buttocks.

So if you didn't forget your neurontin maybe it's just whatever activity *ies* you've done lately are aggravating whatever is going on or maybe that the injections have completely worn off as well.

Re shifting hip pain it could be that you're compensating quite a bit so while trying to help one side you're overburdening the other or that if any of it is related to your spine at all that perhaps there's a central disc bulge and it can create pain on either side? Don't even know if that is possible tho it sounds reasonable.

RE the benefits remaining w/legal seperation I was pretty certain that would apply to you unless the company was under a certain number of people altho I think the law is governed by state legislature not company policy alone so didn't think the boss would have really any input as long as company wasn't 2 -25 people (and even then not sure if it would make any diff tho re offering WC benefits I think it does).

Always best to check things out as thoroughly as you can because even the attorneys aren't on top of everything but this is your life so you have to be.

And don't underestimate your expenditures or provisions re support! Remember, your husband chose his path and he will have to live with the end results. Don't be gentle as that consideration was not given to you (be practical).

[jsewell]

I know i need to get a good number for the required support of us 5 here. Of course Becka was already buying a vehicle with her $2,000 per month. Not happy when i told her it goes towards all of us here! I will have to show her the budget when i complete it. It will be really interesting to see how much less food is without him here. You are so right, i am tending to be a softie, i need to really make sure he is providing for us. unfortunately, his income is part base and commission which he gets from his employer in January , i believe. Also he gets outside commission on some clients that he had before his employment in his current position and those checks really vary. But they add up to about $80,000 per year and i have no way of knowing when they come in. So my income will be varied from him.Another thing the previous attorneys failed to tell me. It makes perfect sense, but i am not thinking perfectly!!!

My newest attorney , the one i am sure i will hire, said once jeff sees how much he has to give me, he will be sorry he did this . probably so will his current girl when he has no money to spend on her. He thinks he will try to come home. I can tell you with knowledge of even one affair, i would not let him back, but with his history that just makes it even worse for him. There is no way even though my youngest daughter wishes it could all go back to normal. poor kid.

Maria, i think you are correct about the injections wearing off.
that is a bummer for me. But my right leg was perfectly normal and great after the injections. Now my hip really gets to hurting.
Also i bet you are right about me favoring one side. It happened big time after my hip replacement. I really thought the other hip had gone bad too. But it was fine. I really do need to get them both checked out for my 3 year check up, I am overdo by a few months now. i will make that appointment today. Also i need to get all the mail off the kitchen table!!

I have 3 kids birthdays coming up Tim;s is Tuesday (19), Randy's is the following Sunday(26), Jamie's is the following Sunday (23) I am wondering if their dad will remember and if he even knows what the dates are. I need to go shopping when they finally tell me what they would like. They are all worried about money, but i will get them a gift or two. Shopping time. i was hoping to order on line, but they are taking their sweet time telling me what they would like.
Time to get in the shower , i am getting my hair cut today. it really needs it, i always wait until I really can't stand it anymore.
judy

[dshobbies]

I’m so fed up right now. I just wrote a very long post and lost it!!!!! I remember on my old computer that happened so often I began using word and cut and paste. Now, history is repeating and I must adapt. But my question is why, why, why?

OK, Judy,

First, when I was taking Neurontin and other drugs, my daughter-in-law suggested using my cell phone for reminders. It worked great and I never forgot another dose.

You also have so much to do and feel overwhelmed. I found list making to be quite beneficial during those times when I thought the days would never be long enough. Every morning, make a list of those things you have to do that day; the time it has to get done, the time allotted to any task, that which must get done, you want to get done and anything that can wait.

When you organize a piece of your life, the rest seems to fall in line. You have both physical and emotional problems to deal with and you’re brain can’t handle processing everything all the time so break it down – every morning.

A strong word of warning – leave yourself plenty of time for resting. You’re still healing and allowing for that is a priority.

As for Jeff, when indeed he does realize the financial ramifications of his actions, he may want to come home. You’re decision should be based on what you want ONLY. What anyone else would do, what your children want, nothing else has a say in what you should do. When all is said and done, only you will have to live with your decision. I don’t blame you for not wanting to take him back but should you decide that you want to give it a try, marriage counseling is a must, must, must. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things and both are a must in moving forward. Whether or not you think this zebra can and will change his stripes is your decision and nothing anyone else says, good or bad, has anything to do with anything.

However Judy, most of your backbone is solid – start using it! (and you have) And remember, whatever your do ultimately decide, we’re on your side.

Dale

[Maria]

Judy,
How about $ for gifts so they can buy their own? My Mom did that when I was older and usually gave me one thing or so that was sentimental or cute. I loved her thoughtfulness but if she didn't know what I wanted she figured $ was always a good gift. I thought so too! Or gift receipts I guess is a good way to go in today's shopping world.

I was going to say this earlier but didn't want to come off crude or mean or anything but I've heard this saying a number of times when men were considering leaving their wives but then saw what it would entail monetarily and that is "cheaper to keep her" (the wife that is).

I don't know what your husband will do and I agree w/Dale with regard to it's your decision what to do but with his history re women and his history re how he treats you and the family (from what you've mentioned here) there'd be no way I'd want a spouse like this back but since I'm not in your shoes I do have to agree w/Dale that counseling would have to be a MUST if it would even be a consideration for him to return (should he want to).

He may just want the divorce if it means he's going to lose so much and may want his complete freedom along with that. Who knows... just be prepared for whatever.... meaning most likely don't have any expectations and just really be thinking with your mind not a broken or soft heart. If this means you both arrive at a conclusion that you need something from each other and can still live together without really continuing your relationship in the same manner then so be it. I've heard of couples that were seperated really but still lived under the same root because of financial contraints. In reality they both reached an agreement and it worked for them. May not work for anyone else tho that doesn't matter. Though I would definately caution you not to do anything you're not entirely comfortable with or think would make you feel worse.

Now to change the subject again~ have you ever had lidocaine for dental work and gotten a side benefit that whatever else was bothering you like your back or your neck stopped hurting? I have. So I wonder if that's what happened when you go the ESIs (even tho given in a more specific area ) so now whatever might have wanted to act a bit more several weeks ago was just muted and you're just feeling more of everything given the fact the steroid effects are pretty much gone or all gone.

I also used to tend to have a return of symptoms for a few weeks post the wearing off of my ESIs or a flare up is what it felt like and then that would settle down and I'd feel better after a few weeks and I'd feel pretty good again for several months more before really feeling like I needed another ESI.

Remember to tell yourself to rest! take care, Maria

[jsewell]

If i am posting i am surely resting. I only went out to get my hair cut and colored today. Although Jamie and i need to get something notorized and we may go and do that if she gets ready on time. It is already 4:10!! 'Then i may also walk a block and finally get my big $20 lottery winnings and a free ticket.
I need to learn how to buy the big tickets that win millions.
I would be happy with a few hundred at this point!

I really do think you are right about the steroids wearing off. Since i don't make that steroid anymore (well haven't for a few years now thanks to taking prednisone)So once it wears off i am totally without, i just replace the bare minimum. It all causes weight gain and i have put on weight .

As far as jeff, i would never, never take him back. the cheating has gone on for over 12 years it cannot be forgiven . Just all the lies and being with another women when i was raising the children and working and taking care of finances and every thing else alone. Never.

judy

[Maria]

I hear ya re the spousal stuff that is a super big turn off.

[dshobbies]

Judy,

What I consider 'deal breakers' within my own marriage, others tolerate. Though I think Maria and I are in complete agreement on your circumstances, they are nontheless your circumstances. If you cannot forgive Jeff for unforgiveable sins, and honestly, who could possibly blame you, then that is your decision. I would feel terrible if anything I said influenced your decision to stay in or end your marriage.

Having said all that, remember than never is forever. As an unforgiving person myself, it is easy to sit in judgment of Jeff's betrayal. This not for me to forgive but rather to support you in your decisions. And btw, you might want to consider sharpening - no never mind!! Oops, did I say that?

Dale

[dshobbies]

To anyone offended, I would like to apologize for my previous post

[Maria]

Judy,
Yes I've been pretty verbal here in the written word with regard to what I'd do then again as I said I'm not walking in your shoes or living your life so I think you understand what I state is really what "I'd do" though any which way you go with regard to how you handle your own stuff is just that ~how you handle your own stuff.

I often hear from others what they think I should do and maybe in the beginning of turmoil I've listened tho along the way I figure out what works for me and that's the path I follow.

So I'd like to say I'm supportive of you no matter your decision as I realize our circumstances are entirely different.

I do think it's good you found out sooner than later about what was/is going on as at least it gives you the knowledge to make a choice about what to do and you also got Jeff to admit it which I'm sure while he probably had avoided for as long as he could is also a big release of stress on him just to be done with the lying/sneaking around.

Not that you really want to make his life less stress free oops being mean there!

Dale you surely didn't offend me tho perhaps you meant the guys with your very last statement... no we are NOT going Lorretta Bobbitt on anybody!

[jsewell]

You two are funny. I am through with him for sure. He has talked so bad about my kids this year also which made me not like him very much. He should have known by now not to talk bad to a momma about her cubs. All but Jamie, the one he asked in their 4 minute meeting to go and live with him. Now to think he is living with his girlfriend too. Jamie did not know that at the time, but does now and would have been horrified if she had known when he asked her. He was saying it was closer to school for her commute . the commute she wouldn't have if he would give her a few hundred for support so she could live near campus. He has refused the request for money over the last year whenever she has asked.

Aside from the fact he was taking away someone who really helps me the most. I have assured her when the January quarter starts, i will give her money from my savings so she can live near campus. I will miss her dearly , but her commute would be hell and i love her too much to put her through that. Probably 2 hours each way. With school starting at 8am and ending at 10pm some days at least this semester it would have, but she canceled her morning class.

He has not admitted he is living with his girlfriend. But he did tell me he was living in his hometown of Monterey Park and his girlfriend is someone he went to school with so it is easy to put 2 and 2 together.

Let me assure you two that nothing you say has offended me in any way. Some times it makes me laugh which i really appreciate. Never offended. I am a pretty easy going person too. I love reading it all.

Dale, my computer has done the disappearing long post as well. Only on long posts though. It is very frustrating. It also jumps around some times when i am typing, all of a sudden my whole word appears randomly somewhere else in the post. I asked my computer guy about this and he said he never heard of it. Only for me , unless you tell me it has happened to you as well.

I never made it anywhere else yesterday. At 5pm, i got so tired, i could not keep my eyes open the rest of the night. Accomplished nothing., Just sat in my recliner nodding off. How's that for resting. I take 10 mg of hydrocortisone in the morning and some days i think i need to go back to 5 mg in the afternoon. I just hate the weight gain and not being able to exercise any of it off. I will ask my endo , i should go back to his office to volunteer in 2 or 3 weeks i told them., It is only one night per week. I will email him if it seems to happen a lot.

My whole back was hurting me this morning when i woke up the first time. Of course pain meds helped , but now they are wearing off. I hate to start taking them so early, I got up at 6ish and fell back asleep around 7 until 11am. I think i just got up do to being very uncomfortable no matter what position., some times i think i will be on pain medication for the rest of my life. Not a pleasant thought.

judy

[Maria]

Judy,
So glad to hear you realize your husband is a poopyhead re his behavior and know your course of action w/him at least until you guys really start working on ths legal seperation divorce thing. Wait a minute.. I call one of my cats Poopyhead (affectionately).. sorry Winston. Well you know what I mean. Sometimes what we'd like to do and what we will do can change just because of practicality. So that's more what I was talking about. You want what will work best for you and your kids so it's easy for me to say whatever I feel like but then again you actually have to live with how it impacts your financial picture and your family.

You mentioned the pain meds for rest of your life thing. You know sometimes I feel that way too but I really don't mind the pain med but the constipation and working w/that aspect of the pain med as the stupid laxatives are actually more expensive than the pain med.

Every once in a while I get that "oh man I really don't want to be taking this stuff the rest of my life" and then again I think "oh wow I like that I only take this dose once/day and get good relief and am functional so think I'll shut up and be happy" realization.

I'd probably want to do the same thing as you re your daughter commuting that distance esp. at night. That's a pretty long drive. If possible just try to figure that into what Jeff is going to pay out (it's his daughter too). I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to live Dad and his girlfriend.. duhhhhhh!

Ok I've said enough as usual and probably way too much. You don't see any guys saying anything here just me and Dale!

Glad you got some good rest in there Judy and keep it up!

[dshobbies]

First let me state that Julius and I are very happily married for 39 years now. I couldn't imagine life without him but as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm a very unforgiving person. If you do something to me or especially to mine, intentionally, you'll have my wrath for the rest of your life.

Now having said all that, let me tell you the secret to this happy marriage. I told Julius a long time ago the only way he'll ever leave me is in a casket, even if I have to put him in there myself! However, I have reconsidered and missing a few body parts will suffice. After all these years witnessing my temper, I think he's a believer

However, he also knows I'd lay down in front of a truck for him too (just to even out the post)

Judy, with the history of your spine, I'd say it was a safe assumption you'll have to take something for pain, stiffness, whatever for the better part of the rest of your life. Hopefully, it won't be anything too strong and like me, you'll temper your dislike for meds with the gratitude they're there for you. Honestly, of all those I know with back problems, surgery or not, we all know we have a spine. It reminds us all the time.

And do you have any kind of timeline for hiring that attorney and getting started on the rest of your life? Whatever it is, the sooner you begin, the sooner it will be behind you.

Dale

[jsewell]

I guess it is true i will have to be on some type of pain medicine the rest of my life. Not the worst thing that could have happened to me. But yes, i am always well aware that i have a spine and that is starts in my head!! and i should say its effects end in my toes!
I actually had a great day today pain wise. It has really been a pain to try to stand up straight. I am not sure if i am standing up straight or not, but it hurts either way.
Tim and I went out to Best Buy and it didn't hurt walking , then i bravely went across the parking lot to Bed Bath and Beyond and was fine. I took percocet at 6am , then dilaudid at 12 noon and nothing since, i usually feel the effects of anything wearing off after 4 hours. It is 7:40 now and still good. Maybe it has to do with laying down or sitting reclining from 5pm yesterday until 4 this afternoon. Almost 24 hours. I feel like i just got home from the hospital with those hours. I was just exhausted. Still feel tired.
And i am back in bed! School tomorrow though. The start of medical billing.
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

You mentioned dilaudid - which I took for 6 months following my surgery and with which I was expressly prohibited from driving. Are you aware this is a narcotic and you should most definitely not get behind the wheel of a car?

Even after just a few months, I felt 'normal' but was told no. Perhaps this is something you should discuss with your doctor, just to be safe.

Dale

[Maria]

Judy/Dale/anyone
I don't know about taking Dilaudid and driving as the only time I've taken it was post op my 1st spine surgery and I slept almost all the time afterwards.

I have been taking my pain med now for 10 years and drive however my driving is much more limited than before I was taking pain medication. Not really because I feel drowsy or anything like that just because I drive less however I do know that any medication (even non narcotic) that has the potential to make one drowsy and that carries the warning on label re not operating heavy machinery or potential for causing drowsiness is one that one should be careful in terms of driving~ again any medication that carries this warning even if cough syrup or antihistamine, etc.whatever.

I have well acclimated to my medication and how I function on it over these 10 years so feel comfortable driving where I do and the distances though again it's nothing like I used to drive and that is also why I'm extremely careful should I have to add anything to my medication regime even a cold medication in terms of driving/going out.

I would caution anyone using anything with the label warning previously mentioned to be careful with driving. Sometimes our choices are pretty limited however just never drive if you're not feeling up to it~ even if just taking a cough and cold medication that can cause drowsiness or CNS (central nervous system) impairment.

[dshobbies]

This wasn't just a warning label on the prescription bottle, my doctor specifically told me no driving. When I thought I acclimated to the drug, he still insisted, no driving. The generic, until you know how you will react to the medicine... was not enough.

Too many on drugs or alcohol have no idea they're impaired!

[jsewell]

Dale your doctor was has very strong feelings about dilaudid. I feel totally normal on it. Nucynta has some effects on me , kind of weirdness. But percocet i also have no adverse feelings on it. I do have a pain management appointment tomorrow, i will try to remember to ask my doctor.
judy

[Maria]

I have seen people impaired and not realizing it with regard to cough and cold medicine as well who shouldn't be driving.

I don't doubt your physician said that to you Dale however it's very true with regard to many other medications as well both non narcotic and narcotic as to CNS potential impairment and/or effects.

There are many that won't drive at all on any narcotic pain medication. I actually forget that I'm even taking anything most of the time until this subject comes up with regard to driving and narcotic medication.

I know of 3 persons that had their drivers licenses suspended because of prescription medication admitted when stopped for a moving violation.

One was an antiseizure medication (used for neuropathies like many of us have or had taken) one was a prescription allergy medication, one a pain medication.

None of them felt impaired but got stopped for some violation and admitted to the medication use.

I recognize what you're saying Dale with regard to what your doctor told you however I think that all these drugs have the potential to create CNS effects that would make driving a less than recomended activity. I think your doctor was being vigilent and actually doing his job!

[jsewell]

Dale to answer your question, i was definitely aware that dilaudid is a nar
judycotic. I go between taking it and percocet. I have been taking percocet for 3 years straight. So am i not supposed to be driving even when i fell totally normal? And possibly for the rest of my life? When it was a few years ago i definitely felt a loopyness when i took it and did not dare drive then, It generally wore off after 15 minutes. so i tried to plan things for 2 hours after i took it just to be sure. Dilaudid never made me feel loopy at all. The nucynta does, but i only take it when i am staying home. I am almost out anyway.

When i hadn't taken anything since noon , i took Buddy out for a walk at 7 and ran into one of the people down the street that I haven't talked to since a few surgeries have gone by. WEll i found out that it really hurts to stand in one place and talk. she was asking me if i thought i could sit in a chair for an 8 hour job. So i don't think so, what the heck type of job can i get i was thinking. Any answers from my wise advisors?

[Maria]

Judy,
I'm not a wise advisor however I don't really know if you should even be contemplating a return to work until you see how your surgery is going to turn out and so far it seems like you've been so busy that resting as necessary post your surgery may have slowed your progress down a bit.

Give it some time and revisit this thought. For now you have quite a bit on your plate to contemplate and if you are continuing to pursue your legal situation just plan on thinking about the income necessary to comfortably support you and your live at home children or those that are in college and whatever arrangements have been made regarding paying for that.

It sounds as though you're taking some kind of course work for medical coding/billing and I do know of people that do that from home however that's was usually after having been employed in medical office a number of years. In today's world who knows perhaps someone would rather not have to pay the office staff certain benefits or expenses re coming into an office so maybe working from home would be possible. I had a part time triage job from home once but didn't like it as it wasn't well enough set up program wise to cover everything that I thought needed to be covered in terms of my personal/professional liability giving advice. I was also a few years back offered a job in an insurance office to sell Disability policies. While I felt I could probably do that I would have needed a very modified work station at the time considering my neck concerns (then) and my low back (then more than now). I cannot stand a long time now because of my feet (bilateral posterior tibial tendonitis) and can't sit long periods due to my back tho better than I used to be. A very modified station might help that but then again I tend to compensate for my bad parts with less bad body parts which are becoming fewer and fewer!

Maybe if you can get a very part time job at some point when you're much better tho for now again I think you should cool your jets on that thought and think about what Jeff is going to give you/your family for support. 5 people.. wow.. that's a good size family!

Regarding driving and pain meds. As I mentioned in my other posts there are many meds both non narcotic and narcotic that carry a label warning with regard to operating heavy machinery while using the medication and/or causing dizziness/drowsiness.

Any medication carrying this warning that is in one's system can potentially be affecting one's mentation and reflexes with regard to driving or operating any heavy machinery.

So as far as I'm concerned it's up to each individual to be aware of what we are using and how it affects us as to whether we should be driving or not.

Plenty of people shouldn't be taking over the counter or prescription cough and cold medicine and driving but of course they do and they also are going to work~ same with anti seizure medication, allergy medication, and the list goes on ad nauseum.

I think more doctors and pharmacists need to caution people about their prescription medications and now seeing that many OTC meds are locked up too before dispensed (allergy and such) I believe most if not all prescription medications now come with written warnings attached but many people don't read labels let along the pamplet info given. It's CYA for the pharmacy but some people actually cannot read or comprehend written information. The majority of people however need to be more aware of what they're ingesting before getting behind the wheel. That goes for double double expressos and such as well! Sounds like Dale's physician was truly doing his job by advising his patient not to drive while using dilaudid (many doctors will caution with "be careful with regard to driving while taking xyz medication if they happen to think about it).

I still drive and will continue to drive until I no longer feel I can drive however I do limit when and where I drive. When people have given me a hard time about not driving on the freeway anymore I tell them they should be thanking me~ and I'm editing this reply to add that no one has told me in a long time not to drive on any of the medications I've been prescribed and there have been a whole slew of them as a nurse that I would have cautioned or advised patients with regard to driving and other activities as judgement and reflexes may be impaired. Usually it's see how you react to the drug before doing xyz ...

[dshobbies]

Honestly Judy, I can't think of how you can work a job except from home. I cannot sit or stand all day. My office is down the hall and though my sitting ability varies from day to day, when I've had enough, I simply move back into my recliner. In fact, several years ago I got a laptop to work from my lap. I put a pillow under a cooling type laptop stand and can literally work like this all day if I have to. AtI my worst, I had a filing system all within easy reach.

I write and can do so all day. If your recliner is straight, I would recommend pillows under your knees and feet to keep a semi- zero gravity position.

I also like to paint which does require sitting for a long period of time. To do so, I find I must wear my back brace. I simply cannot do it otherwise.

You also might consider going on state disability but then again, you would have had to have worked prior to all your surgeries. Really don't know about all this stuff -

Dale

[Maria]

Judy,
I think you mentioned you were a teacher previously? What about private tutoring under the table (didn't write that last part)at home?

This way you can control your hours and your setting.

I know someone that does this and does Ok for herself while she's pursuing further higher education.

Just a thought..

The last job I worked I had a modified station and put a thick foam mat underneath my feet and stood most of the day at my station. It was still grueling when having a bad day but I could also sit if I wanted... still the stress of a schedule that I had to adhere to was too much for my poor weak spine.

I also was allowed to work at home writing policies, procedures, protocols, orientation and other manuals for depts. for my place of employment (managed care company) several days/week and that's how I managed to work the last 5 years of my career (several days/week as Advice Nurse/Triage and several days/week writing).

What I found writing at home though was my neck was compromised even when accomodating my low back in reclining sort of chair with my knees propped and such. I wasn't really able to accomodate my cervical spine well enough while still being able to work "all day" as Dale mentioned. Standing was far better for me but again it was tiring re my spine even tho I would lie down and didn't give me quite enough rest. Actually I worked longer and harder at home it seemed as I would work longer hours!

[jsewell]

My ideal situation this year would ideal and i am just starting to think about sitting all day. You think i could ask an employer for a bed or a recliner to work from!! I will have this conversation with my spine surgeon in 2 weeks when i see him next.
My rush is that the local hospital has had 3 openings for coders and the benefits are wonderful. That is where i would like to work for the benefits and it is close. If those jobs were not avalible I would not be thinking about a job at this time. most people ask for certified coders and i don't even know when the next certification test will be . One of the hospital jobs is for a non certified coder so when i became certified it would surely be a raise.

Ok but realistically I don't know how i could manage running this household and working full time. I still worry about leaving Becka on her own all day too. And her ride to school at 1 on Monday and Wednesday.
How about my doc may not release me to work yet either. The last time we were discussing that subject he told me i had a long time to think about it because he was no where near ready to release me for work.

Jeff finally responded to a question of mine about getting together and splitting assets. He said he is going to consult an attorney first. That sucks now he will know we are supposed to divide his debt. It really is stuff that was all for him, but i have no proof. I hope he doesn't take my cash away to pay his debt. I will be horrified. I also don't know how i wouldn't bad mouth him in front of the kids.

My pain management doc yesterday said she was afraid to ask me about him because my last appt. was when he had left and come back. So i told her. she once told me i was the unluckiest person that she knew. So she said she doesn't know why all these horrible things that should not happen to anyone keep happening to me. that was regarding my lung injury , my psyhosis after one surgery, my seizures after another and so on . she made me cry and all i could answer is maybe we are reincarnated and i was a very horrible person in a previous life.

Well i need to get to the pharmacy speaking of pain management.
bye
judy

[Maria]

"You think i could ask an employer for a bed or a recliner to work from!! "

Knowing where you are with your body and what you know you can do is a very important thing when talking to your surgeon. I'm not saying don't be hopeful and don't think about a better recovery further out, rather just know where you are now and let that help project where you're going in your recovery.

I personally think since you aren't currently employed you shouldn't hold yourself to some impossible timeline and just allow yourself to recover at the rate your body is going to take. You seem to have enough to do at home that keeps you busy and your body is struggling just to keep up with that so why even consider putting yourself thru some impossible hoops (at least for now and perhaps the next 6-12 months). Be realistic.

I realize your circumstances have thrust you into a position you weren't expecting however your body is your guide as to what you can realistically do. Listen to it. Hopefully things will improve however you have a lot of tension that besides your regular recovery rate is probably contributing heavily to how you feel in general. Thank goodness you have such a crew of kids to take your mind off of some things (and also to help you)!

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I've heard in divorces he who has the best attorney wins. However, Jeff clearly created all the problems and you are incapable of creating solutions so regardless, I think Jeff will receive a substancial financial burden.

Another friend divorced many years ago and her husband did some very underhanded manuvering like charging up charge cards and selling certain assets. The judge saw through the whole thing and declared he and he alone was responsible for his expenses.

If Jeff has been spending money foolishly, perhaps he alone will have to bear the burden. Until the hearing before a judge, you just never know what will be handed down. And in light of your physical limitations, any judge would understand you cannot support yourself or our children. I hope you get a good one.

Sorry, I'm on drugs today and can't keep my eyes open. More tomorrow
Dale

[Maria]

Judy,
Just saw that part about the non certified coder as being a position open. I guess they'd be willing to take someone perhaps recently out of a program pending certification. I imagine certification is like anything else in the healthcare field and just want prefer to use people that are certified esp in case something happens and they are keeping to state standards or standards in the community re certified personnel. May even be part of Joint Commission hospital certification requirements and such.

So I can see your rush tho still think that if there is a big enough pool of applicants most likely the person w/o recent surgical limitations will be chosen just because of lack of liability then again perhaps they have a quota of disabled employees they need to fill and you'd qualify. You just never know... wouldn't beat yourself up trying to get there if your body isn't ready (is my real point)not to mention other things that need to be worked out like your daughter's schedule. Does Jeff have a flexible work schedule in which he could possibly get away from work to take your dau to school if it were necessary (as in if you were working?)?

Good luck w/all Judy ~ it'd be driving me nutz to even be thinking about all the stuff you have to deal with. Again those 5 kids must be a great distraction even tho alot of mouths to feed! Hopefully they are of good support to you as well emotionally. I wonder where their heads are at about all this. Hope Becka is doing OK with it.

[jsewell]

4 kids Maria, please don't give me another one!!
Becka has calmed down about saying she hates her dad. He took her yesterday to buy a new mattress. I don't think we or he should have made that expense at this time , but he got chewed out by me for not givning her a ride on the previous friday. He was mean on the phone to her to boot telling her he was not her taxi.
He has now invited the boys over on Friday to cook a meal for them to celebrate their birthday's. His new girl will be there , I am not too thrilled with this, but i will keep quiet as they do need a relationship with him. I can see it turning into me just doing all the grunt work , discipline, crazy trying to afford them all and he will be the pleasant fun one. I am getting sick.
thanks for letting me vent. I need it with this one.

I think i am going to try to volunteer somewhere just maybe 1/2 day per week in coding and billing to keep up my skills if i can not find a home job. I will ask my instructor on Sunday.
Maria the hospital positions have been open for a few months and i don't think they can ask about medical information. But i must let it go for now, unless he comes up with some plan with a devious attorney. Then i will be desperate.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
About asking questions re jobs if things haven't changed since I was employed and of course they may well have (10 years since last job) what can be asked is if there is any reason you could not perform the position that you're applying so you would put "no" because if you put yes then why are you applying?!

Then I think there is a question about reasonable accomodation or maybe that's where you have to at least say something in the interview if it gets that far as to your needs if you know you cannot sit 8 hours and the position requires sitting 8 hours.

While jobs can't ask the medical information on the application I'm pretty certain if healthcare benefits are offered it can be asked there. Even if you're not going to get benefits it sounds like you'd need a reasonable accomodation at least at this point in terms of sitting full time (or standing or being on your feet).


You've probably seen job applications more recently than I have so I guess you better know what to expect. If it is a part time job for coding and you think you can do the hours and whatever is required re sitting or whatever then I'm sorry if I jumped the gun and rained all over your parade re work!
Maybe you can do part time sometime sooner.

I like the idea of volunteering as it's flexible and like you said you can keep current with your skills and sort of feel things out plus give your body necessary time to recover and be the "enforcer" at home or the "bad guy"~ no just kidding!!!

Hopefully your kids will see thru what you go thru and the whole good guy bad guy thing will just be ironed out

uh oh,,,, gettin super tired.. have to say g' night now! Maria

[jsewell]

Ok my first post disappeared, probably appearing on someones screen in Antartica!!!
At least this time i hadn't gotten very far. I was going to post last night , but as soon as i read you were tired, Maria, i suddenly could not keep my eyes open to post. So now say something about winning money!!

I may actually be able to sit all day for one day as i do for my Sunday class. I brought a pillow for the first class that was 2 weeks out of surgery, and forgot it the next 2 weeks and just wiggled and squirmed, now last week i was pretty good. But multiple days in a row may be a totally different story.

My next visit with my spine surgeon i will ask all about work. I think it was April when we had the last conversation.
My first try at a job will be working from home. I have not returned to my volunteer position at my endocrinologists office because i have to stay up so late there., It is on Tuesday nights. My daughter in law to be is coming here from Germany to visit and i will be picking her up at the airport on Oct 4th so i will not be able to go that night.
So another decision , do i go next week and then miss the next one or just skip the next 2 weeks and then go back? Did i ever say how much i hate decisions?
I'm going to see if it is still supposed to be warm tomorrow and then i will go to the beach if it is. Want to join me?

tomorrow night the boys are going to Jeff's to meet the girl, this is really bothering me. Jeff told Randy that he will not invite the girls because they will not go., I think Tim is only going to go because his older brother will be there. it is to celebrate the kids birthday's.
I'd better get in the shower and take my dog for a walk
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I'd like to go if and if I don't have to take my cat to the vet in the a.m. (15 y.o. persian w/health probs and one week of stinky loose poops) I'd like to go. What time are you thinking about? My Vet actually has 2 offices I go to and one is closer to there being in Sunset Beach. I hate to leave this old kitty anywhere tho if I had to take him tomorrow and have to go there I could drop him off and ask to just keep in a few hours while I go the beach w/Lola.

I may just call this morning and see what hours the good doc has to see which office I can take Winston to. Fridays are difficult to get parking in front of my apt. after about 1p.m. so it's kinda hard to carry him from a block away even tho he only weighs 6 lbs. He moves in the carrier alot...

Ok I'm gonna see how the a.m. goes and where the good doc (Vet) is today/tomorrow in terms of bringing this kitty in.

Re the decision.. if it were me I'd wait until your visitor leaves before going back to volunteer. I get into cleaning frenzies pre visitors...

[dshobbies]

Judy,

Though your postings seem to indicate you're mentally coping with everything that's going on but I suspect this is not the case. You seem to have had boundless energy and now you're tired all the time. This is a sign of depression. I would say it was due to your surgery but you didn't claim fatigue until a few weeks later. It's a coping mechanism, an escape from reality which is too difficult to bear.

You also seem to be stressing over seemingly minor matters. Should you begin volunteering again now or wait... Don't misunderstand me. No one minds assisting you in whatever way we can. We welcome the opportunity to ease you plight, no matter what, when or why. Your medical plate has been overflowing for years and now your personal plate has exploded. We're here for you Judy but in reading between the lines, in my opinion, you're not angry enough and/or not showing the huge range of emotions that you must be feeling at this time. I could be way off base but I do worry about you. You are on my mind more than you know. And now I've been getting a little scared that you're not dealing well, which may be the only way you know how but I'm also recommending therapy. You have to let all this out and you're not doing it here. You can't do with your children. Instead, you're tired and you go to bed.

As for your company - I'd wait to do anything new until she leaves. Company, even visiting family, has a way of taking up a lot of time and exhausting you, if based on nothing other than upsetting your daily schedule.

Now, Jeff inviting the boys and not the girls 'because they wouldn't go' is a crock. Parents face rejection everyday and when they do something to incur the angry of their children, they should not, at least to maintain the relationship, avoid their children just to avoid their rath. But I'm getting into personal attacks on that SOB (excuse me) so I'll back off now.

Please pay attention to yourself Judy. We're on your side -

Dale

[Maria]

Besides depression which I'd think normal considering circumstances personally for me when my ESI wore off I felt like a balloon w/o air. Yeah and not only that I went into flare up mode for at least 2 weeks unless another one was given on the heels of the one I just had which was rarely the case as I liked to span my 3/year out over the year according to seasons and travel and such.

So I imagine you've got some of that going on as well. Therapy sounds like a good recommendation if you have the coverage (mental health) and can afford the co-pay if you have that. My specialty co-pays are $40/per visit so that's kinda limiting to someone on a fixed budget living on my budget alone (what with all other costs). Still if the circumstances are grave enough I'd get help.

Sometimes there are options that aren't costly like groups for "broken hearts" or persons that are divorced/separated and that might be a viable solution if $ is a consideration.

What I imagine there is that's in the evening and may be difficult for you to get to or stay awake at.. dunno.

Oh just remembered why I intially got back on to post to you and that is I have to take my cat into the Vet tomorrow at 11a.m. but the office that's in LB not in Sunset Beach (or close to Bolsa Chica).

I may be there till about noon time so realistically I'd probably not head out to the beach until afternoon. I'd prefer to get an earlier start just because I don't like to drive PCH during busier traffic hours (coming back).

So I guess I won't go tomorrow. Hopefully soon. Lola deserves to go to the beach at least once this summer! We've not even gone locally here which I feel badly about.

I hope Friday will be Ok for you what with your sons going to your hub's. I guess he feels the girls would have your back and may act snotty to the GF but maybe the boys won't? I think J should have invited the kids to go out by himself w/o the GF or taken you guys out as a family even if not living together.

Hang in there and yes you are thought about alot and hoping you're hanging in there Ok.

[Maria]

Hey Judy,
Just adding a note here that if I make it to the Vet I'll be lucky (or Winston will be) as I've had nausea all a.m. long and it's not going away. Boy is it bad.. I feel like I'm seasick or something. Had it now for the last week in a.m.s tho not this severe. Very bad. Am trying hard to get my rear out the door to walk Lola again as I took her out at 0530 this morning and wasn't nauseated yet.

Ok if you go to the beach have a nice time. At least it's supposed to be warm today and hot on Monday (in LA at least).

take care!

[dshobbies]

Judy,

You usually post daily so I'm a bit concerned. Anything going on?

[jsewell]

Hi
I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and one of stupidness when i tell people he has been cheating on me for at least 12 years. I have been treated for depression since i was in Georgia. I am basically an optimistic person but back then, i had all those undiagnosed endocrine problems going on causing depression. so i am still treated for it. I would not want to add anything else to the mix, but i do see my psychiatrist next week anyway. I do have a good therapist here in the area, i haven't seen him in few years either. The one i had in Georgia at Kaiser was awesome. He actually gave me assignments each time i saw him. My local one kind of just listens and does not really give any suggestions. I don't really have any good close friends here in california,some acquaintances only. So no one really to cry on!! that is my problem now, i think. I do have a friend that is going to try to come over sometime in the next 3 days. I will definitely be able to cry with him.It was funny how we met at the beginning of the hiking trail in town . I was in my full body and neck brace, my first walk after the surgery in 2009 that damaged my lungs., He asked me why i was in such a brace and listened to my whole story.,
Ends up he is a respiratory therapist, which was the perfect person to meet at the beginning of my lung issues.

I'm not going to the beach today. i was talking on the phone to this friend for a few hours and got way behind.

Maria, i hope you are feeling better . I was feeling nauseaus last week at different points in the day, but it is a symptom of adrenal insufficiency so i always just dismiss it
Yesterday and today i woke up and did not run for the pain medication. Just a comment, not assumin ing anything.

Maria, sure you are not pregnant, sorry i just had to say that.
judy

[Maria]

Hey Judy,
thanks for reminding me I might be preggers! Not! It's so funny but I had said somewhere else I felt seasick but actually this does feel like morning sickness. It's really such a pain. I've had nausea before that kept me inside till about 1p.m. each day but haven't had that for a year or so.

I did get my cat to the Vet and Lola came along for the ride. She got underneath the car next to mine while I was talking to someone outside the office and got grease on her back. I wanted to take her to get bathed after getting the cat taken care of but I guess Lola realized that and went right under the bed when we got home. She is such a smarty pants!

So I went out and ran errands and a friend I rarely see and his Mom from Fla. and sis from NYC asked me if I wanted to go out to eat at Kelly's Steakhouse tonight.

Well, I hardly was able to stomach soup at lunchtime so I was afraid to even think about sitting in a steakhouse let alone eating any. I don't eat much red meat so I wasn't wild about the idea anyway but if it hadn't been for the nausea I'd have gone to see my friend, his Mom and his sister.

Judy you are welcome to call me anytime you feel like it and you can cry on my shoulder. re the cheating stuff.. that's on Jeff not you so it's just behavior he chose to do and really there's lots of cheaters out there (you're in CA for heaven's sake!) so it's not like people are shocked by it or think less of you for "his" behavior.

I'm glad you have one nice friend who does understand the respiratory aspect of things with you. Sounds like a nice person to know/hang with.

Ok I won't get into the depression thing because honestly I think with multiple losses it just makes sense that one isn't going to be feeling happy or upbeat though hopefully you know that we don't expect anything of you except want you to take care of yourself as best you're able for now.

And if you don't mind too much you'll get some gentle nudging and prodding from a couple of "sisters" out here on the forum!

take care and hope tonight is Ok for you.

[dshobbies]

Judy,

Your feeling ‘stupid’ for having ignored the signs of a cheating husband for so many years is more common than not. Too many of my friends and indeed me too, have been guilty of burying our heads in the sand because it’s easier than facing reality. ‘My husband would never do that to me – my child could never do such a thing – my friend would never betray me like that’ are common phrases followed by ‘how could I have been so blind’. In most cases, the blindness is a subconscious choice. It is easier to live the lie. We hope that whatever the difficulty will disappear in time and life as we knew it will resume with our heads held high.

Judy, you were involved with raising a family and then your health. Dealing with a cheating husband and the consequences were too difficult to even think about let alone deal with. You did what you had to to protect yourself and your family.

Other people can see things so much more clearly because they are outside the forest in which we all live. You were neither stupid nor foolish – just blind. In 1981, we were robbed. I came home just before noon with a sleeping baby having just picked up my 4 year old from preschool. Leaving the kids in the car for the moment, I came in the house to put down some packages, my purse and keys and take my coat off. I had every intention of going right back into the garage to fetch my children. As I walked into the house, my office, a front room, was cluttered with papers on the floor and open drawers. I suspected nothing but the baby and the dog. I continued to put everything down when I noticed the light on in my bedroom. Again, the baby, just under 1 year must have turned the light on (duh!) It was out of my element, my own comfort zone to think we’d been robbed so I didn’t go there. I rationalized what I had to until faced with undeniable proof. I didn’t want to go there because subconsciously I knew my life was about to change and though it did, it did not and does not compare to the end of a life as you knew it.

How often does someone die because they rationalized that a lump or mole is not cancer. How often does someone excuse the warnings of a heart attack as acute indigestion? Judy, it’s human nature to deny that which we cannot face. My own doctor died of brain cancer because he would not acknowledge what he already knew. When I asked his associate why a doctor would do that, he said “We’re human, just like you.”

And just because we would react to something one way does not make it right or the only way. Everyone reacts differently to the trials in our lives which is why judging others is a bad idea. It may come back to bite you in the a-- when you are faced with the same circumstances.

So I’m glad you’re recognizing some depression and like Maria, please call me whenever life becomes too difficult. However, I do recognize a certain ease in anonymity so please pm me if you want my phone number.

Maria – a baby! Allow me to throw the shower. I do hope you're feeling better and don't you think you should find out why you're not feeling well????

Dale

[Maria]

Hi there Judy and Dale,
I hope last night went OK for you Judy and maybe your boys will talk re how it went.. maybe not. Not sure what your boys are like. Some are quiet and some will talk. Oh well just hope you felt OK and got thru the evening OK.

As for me.. it just dawned on me this morning that I should make an appt. with my PCP re this tummy stuff. Guess the nausea was really terrible yesterday as it returned in the evening, the night, the wee hours.. and so forth. Today has been better however.

I'll see how it goes and if I still have nausea by Monday I'll call my PCP for an appt. Hopefully I'd not need a referral back to the Gastro. I can't remember when my last colonscopy was tho I believe it was less than 5 years ago (really dislike the prep for those). Had an endoscopy and colonscopy at the time and some other test that I've chosen to forget about.

Funny how I can tell other people to get checked out for whatever and don't really even think of doing so for myself until it's like "oh man do I feel BADDD" and it's got to be for more than a week to make me even go to a doctor.

So I think we should pass on the baby shower gals~ yeah.. pretty sure the BTL worked nearly 18 years ago! Now that was a successful surgery!

Judy I do really agree w/Dale re the sticking our heads in the sand when we can't deal with something (or don't want to). I've definately been there before (been there done that). Not with my husband. Wouldn't want to give him credit for someone else's crappy behavior. But I've done the same thing and so have a number of my friends.

Well today I took Miss Lola to the groomers to get bathed and a schnauzer cut even tho she didn't really need it but she would not let me bathe her yesterday and I haven't felt like struggling with her.

Ok I've got to see if she's ready to pick up so wishing you gals a good evening as it's getting late in the day here at nearly 3p.m.

[jsewell]

Maria I'm glad Lola looks beautiful and clean. I would love to get Buddy a hair cut by a groomer, but he would probably be petrified. Then shaking and hyperventilating.

My finger nails are long right now, (no biting or tearing them off) but it makes typing too difficult. I may need to trim them.

I am over it a bit, but I was very anxious for them to be home. I was out at a park up the street until 9:45. I was with my respiratory therapist friend. then we went up to a local mountain road and just looked around as i can't hike yet. I didn't get home until 9:45 and Becka had gone out and Tim and RAndy were still home.
They got home just before midnight. So did Becka. Tim went straight to the bathroom after saying hi to me and that was it. so I called him in and he said it was OK once he was drunk. so apparently Their dad had a ton of liquor in that house and they both drank a ton of it.
I hear she has a nice 4 bedroom home , works for some non profit organization. She earns as she told the kids a lot less than their dad makes. She drives some class of BMW that starts at $70,000. They met 2 months ago so it was only after one month that he decided to move in with her. Randy said he better not blow this so he has a place to live. Tim said he didn't think it would last. She earns
They were all over each other in front of the kids too. $100,000/year. And she just left her boyfriend of 28 years for jeff.

Ok enough of that. How are you feeling now, Maria.? I bet your primary will send you out to a gi doc. I see mine every 3 or 4 months.

No baby shower , come on i love buying baby clothes.,
judy

[Maria]

Hi Judy,
You were out later than I have been for a while! I get so tired walking Lola and myself so much then getting up very early for her first walk. She just got so used to going out at 6a.m. w/dh when he was leaving for work that we are either out at that hour or shortly before or after!

The nausea was less today. I'm having trouble eating tho and am sticking to chicken noodle soup at lunchtime and a few small snacks after that in terms of dinner. Can't seem to get much down w/o some GI pain so that's kind of new. Sure hope I don't have gallstones..

I think it's stress but hate to self diagosis too much and miss something bigger so will call my PCP on Monday most likely and set up an appt. because I probably should pay attention to something that is affecting my ability to eat. Not that I don't need to lose a few pounds (5 would be nice) tho I rarely have a problem eating.

I can't believe Jeff and the GF! Wow talk about acting like teenagers. I'm sorry to say but I think it's gross that they just met, just moved in with each other and are flaunting "it" in front of your kids! And alcohol that just loosens inhabitions with 2 people already "all over each other" in front of the kids then allowing the kids to drink and drive? nuh uh.. it's just not right to me. Guess I am pretty old fashioned after all. Re the drinking maybe they got a ride home or Jeff drove them (still anybody drinking shouldn't have been driving).

I realize Jeff probably just wants the kids to forgive him and be comfortable w/him but geez ~ it's just too much too soon. I agree w/what Randy said about he better not screw it up or have no place to live. Maybe his office or car.

I'd sure like to make $100K/year and drive one of the new Fiats or the ever so cute Mini Cooper but no I have a big honking Mitsubishi Montero Limited that I was gaga over a few years back. Dumb bunny me (love Land Rovers and Discoverys too).

Well with that combined income of those two and if he's living at her house that's more for you and your kids! I'm pretty sure that guilt will make Jeff more than agreeable to a decent $ amount of support so don't feel badly there Judy!

Your Respiratory Therapy friend sounds like a nice person to spend time with. I haven't hiked in a while either since I started having bilateral posterior tibial tendonitis in my feet. Usually just good walks tho not nearly as long as I used to take however the ones I do take are regular now everyday even if I don't feel like it. I find I sleep much better.

If it weren't for the nausea I'd be sleeping right now tho I fell asleep early and woke up with some GI pain and nausea so had some GingerAle and now chamomile tea and hope to get back to sleep for a few hours.

Ok been rambling on here and now we can all stop worrying about planning the baby shower (thanks Dale). Well I do have a couple of fur babies here tho they don't want to wear any clothes! Lola loves treats tho!

Hope you're getting a few z's now Judy~ signing off for now

[dshobbies]

Maria, I think seeing your doctor is a good idea. As mentioned in my previous post, avoidance can lead to serious consequences.

Judy, you're entering uncharted territory. So are you kids and so is your husband. I suspect, among other things, he's crashing right smack dab into a full blown mid-life crisis. The liquor, the display, all sounds like a teenager doesn't it? Even the girlfriend, ending a 28 year relationship for something 'better'. Hey the grass is always greener, right? (Have you ever noticed these sayings are so appropriate when you're living through them? Birds, zebras, horses, etc. simply means other have lived through the exact same things - over and over again.)

Perhaps years from now, when you can look back and past the pain, you'll even say this is the best thing that ever happened but living through this, with health problems that are earth shattering by themselves, is difficult, and that's putting it mildly. You're alone, scared, worried, angry, furious, depressed and all at the same time. The point - everything else is meaningless unless you take care of yourself. I know you've been paying more attention to your own needs so this is just a gentle reminder.

I'd also like to advise you that what Jeff does and how he behaves is probably no longer your business, though you might be as curious as all get-out. However, encouraging your children to drink and drive or drink to the point of drunkenness is nothing but reckless. You might want to mention something the next time you see him. However, if he wants to put on a show for them, since no juveniles were involved, that's between them, even if in poor taste. I think for me, learning this would be my biggest hurdle so I wish you good luck.

I'm glad you had company last night. I'm sure it felt good to talk.

Dale

[jsewell]

I can't stand the curiosity and now that the boys are not drunk, they keep telling me little things they remember. Like they are going to trade in jeffs audi and give him her expensive BMW, then buy her a new one. I imagine she is doing all this, because he does not have the means to. He may think he does, but he really doesn't .
Today i've been dealing with my daughter's 2 older cars (she worked all summer for one and the other my parents were getting rid of ) Well today was her first day of school at UC Irvine and between last night and this morning they both broke down. One the battery keeps dying even though she gets it jumped and drives a long way. The other the brakes went funny on her last night and she had to put her foot all the way to the floor to get any grab. so we are going to first try a battery on one . Her dad learned of this from Randy , who he was trying to get to go to Las Vegas with he and his girlfriend. Randy told him he had to stay and help with the car situation, ,just got an ok from his dad. NOt i'll come and help Jamie.
That made the little one upset as he would not drive her to Vegas for a cheer leading competition this past winter and made me drive her. After neck surgery, i used Becka and her friend for help with changing lanes and backing up. Then we just walked when there. Then she told me today that he told her when she turned 18 he was going to give her his car. I hate when he continues to hurt the kids.

For my back, it still hurts to try to stand up totally straight. Hurts all around at my surgery area. NOt in front just across my back. Is this normal for a L3-L4 fusion?at 6 weeks out? I guess we have turned away any spine people when i turned this into a divorce forum. Maria has decided and i agree that we keep this in a private message for the divorce comments and stories. let me know your thoughts on this one Dale. Isn''t there a place for other stuff on this site? Should i start this divorce, separation stuff there?

Judy

[Maria]

Judy,
I'm pretty sure that's within normal limits at only six weeks out esp. given all you've been doing I think it's normal. Now if you mean pain at the site as in redness, tenderness, swelling, and/or oozing of purulent material with an odor,and increased warmth at site ~ no, that's not normal. But pain as in aching and/or just pain.. sounds like I've heard that from many that have had a fusion of any number of lumbar levels and again w/your level of activity I don't know that I'd expect it not to be hurting to some degree.

Do you feel less pain when you start your day and more as the day increases and with more activity? Had the pain lessened at some point and then started to increase again? I know you had the ESI a while back to help with your leg symtoms which may have allowed you to be a bit more active than you really could tolerate so you have to consider your overall activity level post surgery.

Are you due for another ESI anytime soon?

[dshobbies]

Judy,

It's no surprise that your pain level is still high. You've been too too much too soon but you already know that which is why Maria and I remind you all the time to slow down. I realize you have little choice in your responsibilities to your children and you have to do what you have to do, but at the same time if you don't lighten up, healing will slow down. All this and you're still only 6 weeks post op. Most of us were still in some amount of pain at this time. So as I see it, the only solution is to slow down!!!!!

As for the divorce saga - support is support and because this extreme emotional turmoil would affect anyone's physical health, your healing has suffered as a consequence which is what we also discuss. However, I'm on board with whatever you decide. We can take this to emails which is probably easier than pms. Just let me know. And speaking of which, not stepping up to help a daughter - nothing more to say. His bad -

Dale

[jsewell]

Dale,
I don;t mind discussing things here,if you are OK with it. Of course i will be happy to do anything else anyone wants to do.
The last 2 days have been bad for Jamie and me. first her oldest car's brakes kind of got really difficult for her to use when she was going out to get sandwiches for her brother's birthday . So the next day her battery is dead on her other car. She has 2 old cars that she worked for years ago. So Randy jump starts her battery and when she makes it to UCIrvine it is dead again. so in between classes she calls security and they finally come and jump it for her and she drives home with the intention of driving back for her last class, but decides she does not have enough time. Randy and Jamie do a few tests they have read about it to decide if it is an alternator or battery. Battery is the most likely so they go out and get one. All is good again. Then Jamie calls me on her way home from work , she is on the freeway and has just gotten in her first accident,she is OK , her newer car with the brand new battery is totaled.
So trying to juggle two of us with one car and get one car out of here to the junkyard i guess and the other to someplace that is good and cheap with the brakes fixed, i decided to just make my life a little easier and just rent a car for a week.
i keep doing my famous act of late, falling asleep any time i am sitting. So it is 9:30 and i am just calling it quits and getting to bed for now.
good nite
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I'm so sorry your daughter got into an accident. It's traumatic but the main thing is that no one was hurt. So let's just pile up another worry to your seemingly endless list.

Renting a car might be a good idea but Jamie might not be eligible to drive it because of her age which leaves you giving her your car. If your insurance is for the entire family this is OK but I recall specific exclusions for my kids. Please make sure your coverage is OK. And speaking of which, I assume her car was insured and replacable?

Rest up so you can deal with whatever today brings. Too bad soap opera's are on the decline because you could provide new material. Keep a diary just in case. You seem to be a walking poster girl for ' if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none at all', good for TV but living through it is another story.

Dale

[Maria]

Judy,
Just wanted to say that I'm glad to hear your daughter is OK esp. after her vehicle being totaled. Wow!

Now I hope that doesn't place more of a burden on you physically/emotionally tho no doubt somehow it will.

Good luck w/all.

[jsewell]

Yes Maria the burden is emotional, financial for sure. If it ends up effecting health, i don't know.
I saw my psychiatrist today. I started out with since i've seen you, i had more back surgery, foot surgery, my husband left me and my daughter got into an accident last night. He was actually speechless.

Jeff on the other hand just told her to have the guy next door fix the brakes. No offer of any other help. Jamie said when she hung up he didn't say anything of value. Not like you are down to 1 15 year old car, why don't i get you something more reliable . While he gets ready to take over his girlfriend's expensive BMW.

Maria you asked when my pain was worse. Actually when i first wake up is really the worst. I take pain meds 2 or 3 times per day so if i have let a lot of time go inbetween, that also gets bad too.
My last injections were right after i got out of the hospital around the middle of August. I see my surgeon on Tuesday so i will see if i will have them the next week or if he will want to wait longer.
This message disappeared for awhile , so i am sending it now that i found it. bye
judy

[Maria]

Hi Judy,
I do hope your back has shown some improvement in the 6 plus weeks post op. You've really never had a real recovery period so the fact that you do as much as you do is pretty amazing to me. I know post my 2nd spine surgery the pain was just so bad there was no way I could do anything much for quite a while altho I did have to return to work which almost killed me or so it felt.

If only someone had given me an ESI back then ...or given me one appropriately as I had it in the office not under fluoroscopy and it was brutal and didn't help at all. I remember not wanting to have them again as they didn't work that way but then finally about 9 years later I had them given properly and it was a WORLD of difference. Probably my spine was a world of diff to given it wasn't so fresh post op.

Oh well.. glad to hear you are seeing your doctor soon. By more physical stress what I meant was emotional stress creates more tension and could capitulate you into more spasms as well as actually maybe having to drive more given your daughter's vehicle circumstances. I won't even say what I think of J here re his response or lack thereof.

take care Judy.. I did pm re addressing other "stuff"

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I assume your psychiatrist eventually found his voice - what did he say as to your depression? Did he give you any coping suggestions? Stress very definitely interferes with health if for no other reason than you hold yourself more rigid. Also digestion and other stomach functions are affected. Relaxation is not in the cards unless you practice it. So yes, your recoup has been negatively affected. Again, I strongly suggest mediation or deep relaxation at least twice daily. It's so calming to escape for those 10 minutes and let's your body and overworked muscles get a few minutes off.

I also think it's probably time to stop hoping Jeff will come to anyone's assistance for any reason. He has checked out and if you expect more, you're setting yourself up for more disappointment. I think he will only give what he is legally obligated to give and nothing more. Sad - but the way it is. From what you've said in the past, it sounds like he was moving away from family life for a long time.

Judy, this is going to sound like a weird suggestion. Try googling a joke site and read a few everyday. Putting a smile on your face or a giggle in your throat is also a good escape. Laughing is also very good medicine. Just be careful not to laugh to hard as it could hurt your back

Dale

[jsewell]

Hi Dale and Maria
Dale you are right about the expectations of Jeff. Right now he is avoiding seeing me like the plague. He still feels guilty.
I just asked him once again to come and talk about dividing up the assets as he is keeping his debt if he wants to live. And i am keeping my savings. He only answers by email.

Laughing will be a good thing. When i hear my boys laughing, i go in there room, but it is never something i could laugh at!
I have a friend in Georgia that recommended some comedies so i will have Randy order them on netflix.

Jamie;s 15 year old car is supposed to be fixed later today. The rear brakes went out. The mechanic sounded like it was only going to be just over $200 so we are lucky.
Yes other parts of my back have been hurting, i know i am too tense., I am trying to practice relaxation. I will look for jokes.
I am also getting a lot of headaches again , which might be allergies too.

This string of bad luck started in 2008 when i was told to not come back to school to teach the next year. It has been all down hill from there. I did have a short period of fun after my hip was replaced, i felt wonderful for a short time and went hiking every morning , then hit the pool for a mile swim at 11. Then the back started really hurting . I thought swimming was a good thing after my hike. Oh well, the discs were bad, not much i could do to heal them.
judy

[dshobbies]

Judy,

Well they say bad luck lasts for 7 years so the beginning in 2008 is not exactly good news but I prefer to believe bad luck comes in 3s. Confucius say - I don't know what. Just having some fun.

I've also heard the breast stroke is bad for hurting backs? I rarely do it myself post ADRs.

And I know my own headaches come from the tension I carry in my neck and shoulders. For me, it's easy to tell because the pain starts in the back of my head. Allergy and sinus headaches begin in the front. Basically, does it feel better to rub your temples or the base of your hairline? My eye strain headaches begin in my eyes and go up. I also get migraine like headaches when I cry. However, they all hurt! The remedy for all is the same so whichever works for you - although be careful about drug interactions.

Have you hired an attorney yet? I am assuming the sooner the better given that reconciliation is not an option.

Again, I believe that relaxing is your new best friend. If you need some tips on meditating, pm me. I'll walk you through it. No mantra required!

Dale

[jsewell]

I had lots of periods of bad luck in Georgia too. As a matter of fact my therapist at the time, who was wonderful, told me i was the last person on earth that he would ask to recommend lottery numbers.

I spent 4 grueling months getting kaiser permanente to approve a rare test in Michigan for a possible adrenal tumor id. Finally approved , I throw in another expensive procedure and it gets approved immediately. I get a friend who now lives in Ohio to come and be my chauffeur as this was a 3 day test and just hang out with me. We have a fun first night together. The next morning i got a call from the hospital saying not to come in because the test they did on the rare drug that is needed failed. I would have to reschedule. I was so upset, in tears, called my therapist and told him, he was worried about how i would react to this as my string of luck there had been terrible too. I told him i had a good friend with me and i would not do anything stupid.
Later that day and a little calmer, i called the hospital back to ask how often the drug arrives and fails, She says, we have been doing this test for 20 years and this is the first time it has failed.!!!!! So maybe my 7 years is up now.

About swimming, i'm sorry you cannot do it,. I really was not a swimmer and got obsessed about swimming one mile each day. I did swim the freestyle after i floundered around for days. Now with my neck , no turning of the head. I think my doc said it leaves me with the backstroke. I really want to get into the water and try jogging, If jeff did not take it , i have a swimming belt to use for jogging in place in water.

I wish i could go back without loosing this as i always forget what someone said. Memory is just getting worse.
Well when my back was hurting pretty much everywhere this morning earlier i took a muscle relaxer and it does seem to be better. I took fido for a walk around the block, the farthest i have made it and now i am venturing out alone for a slightly longer walk. First time in a long time.

I hope you have a great day Dale and get ready for the cooler weather to come
judy

[jsewell]

Hi Again

Ok i think my headaches are either tension or allergies. My nose is all stuffed up in the morning too . I do also get migraines. One last year brought me to the ER., My spine doc asked me what they did for me, i told him they gave me morphine, which only did a little help., He told me next time to call him and he could proscribe something better. I since then went to my primary and got a prescription for Maxalt MLT. I think i am out and need a refill now that we are talking about the subject. I always end up needing the second dose . That does not even remove it all, Kind of like pain pills.

OH i have an appointment today to hire an attorney and start the process. I keep emailing and texting jeff to get together to talk about dividing things up and i get no replies.

[Maria]

Good going re the attorney Judy! That's a big positive move IMHO! Good luck there!!!! Oopps I forgot I was trying to not sway your opinion in anyway!!

[jsewell]

I really like this guy, he seems down to earth and really nice. My neck brace sure gets the sympathy vote for me, even the homeless in Pasadena's Old Town shopping area just say hi and don't even ask me for change.

It feels really good to have started the proceedings. Jeff will not respond to any questions about getting together for a division of assets. He is being an immature ass. My oldest son is going to call him on it the next time they see each other, he does not want to do it by text because his dad will have time to come up with some excuses or ask for help.
The or my attorney said we do go to a mediator , which will be like the first step, i think. He also said the money he will get for me until the legal separation becomes final will be more than the legal separation amount. He said he will drag the proceedings as long as he can to keep me in more money.

He is going to be hurting for money and i don't really care. The fact that the girlfriend told the boys that she earns $100,000 /year but it is far less than their dad earns. Well if she is after him thinking he earns tons of money , he doesn't she will be in for a surprise.
He has taken her on 3 vacations and another is booked on an airline. In Las Vegas they spent $200 on one meal and $1,000 on the 2 days they were there.
So no, i don't feel bad at all. I am still very hurt, but i don't feel bad for him.
I took percocet every 4 hours (twice today ) so felt pretty good during the day. I will be declining now!!
I had a good walk up to the park at the base of my trail so that made me happy. Going up hill as well as downhill are easier than flat land for me, so i should try a little bit of the trail when my doc gives the OK.
judy

[Maria]

Judy,
Courtship is courtship and always the most demonstrative part of the relationship in some ways so the GF is getting the best right now most likely. She cannot be so naive as to think that your husband isn't going to have to pay to keep you in a certain lifestyle considering you're not employed and he is unless she is really stupid.

Ok I'm saying way more than I want to on this topic and I know you're still hurting I think you are far better off w/o him than w/a cheating or wanna be cheating husband that sounds like put most of the family work on your back (literally/figuratively).

The attorney sounds good. The street people sound smarter than Jeff and his GF.

Glad to hear you're doing a bit of walking. Hopefully that's helping w/the fusion. I am on flat terrain here which isn't as good of a workout as the hills where my dh lives tho better for my feet it seems. They were bothering me big time there and less so here. Either way I need to walk and be active as my left hip is hurting again.

Yesterday was very stressful for me and I thought it was going to be an errand free day but Lola started vomiting and couldn't eat, couldn't drink water w/o vomiting so I ran her to the Vet in the a.m. and he gave her a shot for vomiting but that didn't last but 3 hours and she started vomiting again so had to take her back to the Vet and leave her there. She's getting an abdominal xray, barium studies, full labwork, and hope to know the findings this morning and what's going on. Her personality was terribly subdued yesterday and at one point she looked like she was dying.

I had to carry her to the car and carry her into the Vet's office and she didn't even protest when taken from me so she was very very subdued and most likely in pain.

My back is hurting this morning and I think it had to do with having to carry her yesterday as she's a good near 20lbs but she was too sick to walk to the car/jump in and get out etc. Good thing she's not any bigger than that!

Wish us luck!

[jsewell]

Maria, i am so sorry to hear about Lola being sick. I hope she is OK and not too expensive, but it sure sounds expensive. That is when I wish i had doggie health insurance. Probably like a stomach thing people get and all the tests will just rule out more serious problems.

Sorry that your hip is hurting too. That has been a pain for me since my 9/2010 surgery, my hip pain especially on the right side. Now i only feel twinges of pain on the right side since the ESI. Then it went to the left side. Neither one is too bad right now. I have a right hip replacement and i really thought there was something wrong with it last year as they had re calls on it. But, my hip surgeon checked it all out and declared it functioning perfectly.
That is one of the reasons i had this surgery was to get rid of that awful pain.
Getting rid of the low back pain was another one.
Please let us know about Lola, I'm thinking about the 2 of you
judy

[Maria]

Just talked to my husband who talked to our Vet (dh does the computer network maintenance for Vet and can do much from afar). Ok so from what dh told me Lola is going to get another xray soon because she has something that is rather long and thready that's coming out but not completely so the Vet is going to check again to see if she can expell it herself or will she need to have it surgically removed or somehow forced thru.

This is the Vet's super busy day so I am going to wait for him to call me because I know he knows dh will have told me what is going on.

I wonder what in the world Lola got into and when? I hardly ever leave her alone tho she is prone to picking up "stuff" off the street and scarfing it down before I can pry her sharp little teeth open.

The command "leave it" does not work for Lola. She's a stubborn little dog albeit very lovable.

[dshobbies]

When anything happens to our dogs, it's just like our family. I'm sorry Lola is sick and that you had to leave her at the vet. Did they find anything? Is she still in pain? And now, as a result of carrying her, you find yourself in pain once again too. It's a vicious cycle, one to which we're all susceptible.

Lucy is pretty old now, at least for a big dog +80lbs. She lives in pain but most pain killers upset her very delicate stomach. I had some Tramadol left over (never helped me) which is recommended for dogs and gave her 1/2 daily for a month or so. It helped her a lot and she now seems more comfortable. She no longer can go for walks and plays very little. Julius won't consider it's her time so we all do the best we can. She still enjoys her family, especially the 1 year old -

Judy, good news about the attorney and moving forward. I could say something about having money for vacations yet nothing for a daughter's car, but I won't. I hope that mediation makes him face reality. It sounds like he's thinking with the wrong head! Tell me, do his brains fall out everytime he unzips his pants?

I find it strange that both of you walk easier on hills than flat land. I cannot walk uphill. I must bend forward to do so. I haven't been able to walk uphill since my surgery yet you find it easier. And now, walking is difficult altogether. My leg, and both feet flair up but I'm hoping it's due more to the heat which I guess I'll discover soon enough.

This week, for me has been very difficult. We had a big family dinner and I've had to spend much of the week in my chair and on my entire med cocktail. Last night I iced my back down for several hours which seems to have helped a little. I'll try again tonight, along with everything in my medicine cabinet. The down side is it seems to affect my eyesight for the day. Hopefully by Monday, when I'm watching 2 of my little monsters, I'll be good to go.

And of course, my daily reminder - take it easy, rest and relax

Dale

[Maria]

Dale and Judy,
Lola apparently had something long and cordlike in her intestines and she had a barium swallow to push it thru (or would have had surgery). I got to the Vet's office after he left so I was told to give her boiled chicken and rice and watch her at home tho he was fairly certain the barium pushed it all out.

She pooped some pure barium stools outside the office and right after I got her home. She's had her obligatory chicken and rice dinner and she's under the bed sleeping now.

I tell you guys this dog and my cats are my heart esp. since my father passed away. I mean they were anyway but more so now.. (I probably sound like the world's most unstable person at the moment).

Some friends and I were supposed to out tonight to the local ArtWalk and Lola always goes with and is a celebrated dog at these events as she's well known but there is no way I'm taking her out and have any chance of her scarfiing up who knows what on the street and/or leave her alone for now.

So I'll hang out here and see if she has to go out and "do anything" tho yes, my dear dog is home thankfully!

Dale, I had a good little laugh over which head J is using re taking vacations but canna pay to have his dau's car fixed.. there's a name that comes to my mind that starts w/sh*t and ends with head .. not nice tho hmmmphhh whoever said I was nice anyway!

Judy, you go girl and get what you need. GF's can take the backseat to wives and children as far as I'm concerned (oops that's really too true). Didn't mean it "that" way! you know what I mean!!!

Signing out and thanks ladies for asking about Lola. Need to see if she has to go out again before it's dark or even in the dark ~ just before I'm in sleepytown.

[dshobbies]

Maria,

Glad Lola's home and resting easy. Lucy could only eat boiled chicken and rice as a puppy for about 6 months. Our other dog was jealous with her 'dog food' so we had to make double portions for her and 100+ lbs. Barely had time to cook for the family with all that boiled chicken but we did have a lot of chicken soup! And Lucy still has a very delicate stomach. However, we do contribute to that as she always gets the last bite of whatever we're eating which we know is a no-no but do it anyway. And of course, when th baby is eating, she won't leave her side.

So Judy, how are you doing today? Less pain, more rest, more relaxation, less Jeff? Hope so.

Dale

[Maria]

Dale,
I had wanted to name my dog Lucy as it was my Mom's name (actually Lucia tho she went by Lucy or Lu) and my father said "no way" as I got Lola when dh and I moved to Fla after my Mom passed and we had bought our home (she passed away on our closing date on prop in Fla). Dad absolutely thought it very disrepectful should I name a dog after my Mom.

I have to say that everytime I meet a person with a dog named Lucy the first thing I tell them is "that was my Mom's name".. so I dunno about the disrespect thing.

BTW I meant to mention that I hope your low back is doing better with the icing and care. I do always hope everyone's spine calms down on it's own as much as possible. I'm still hoping for that with my left sided over the hip pain as it seems to bother me when I first get up during the day or at night when I awaken or if I'm staying off my feet tho not while I'm up and about during the day!

Pain is pain and something we'd all do better without. Speaking of which I hope Judy your low back is doing Ok and you've been able to hike a bit this weekend.

Wishing all a good night~ everyone!

[jsewell]

I"m not going to remember half of what you guys have said, but i will try.
first i'm glad Lola did not require any surgery, hope she is all cleared out. I wonder what she ate. My buddy sniffs a lot first so i do get a chance to check out most things. He is mostly interested in marking everything as his!
Henry on the other hand, still a puppy and will eat anything, he seems to just swallow and not taste either.
Please give us an updated update on Lola.

Dale are you better after your bad week? How about you Maria after carrying Lola?

Yesterday aside from waking up with back pain, i woke up from a non sleep night with a migraine. I was up every hour and half hour wondering why i couldn't sleep. Then when i finally had to get up for school, i had this migraine. I had one migraine pill left and took it, half hour later, with no effect, I took my morning dose of percocet. I went to school only about 20 minutes late, but my instructor has already given me free control of when i come, what i do when there and so on. He is really sweet. One more week and our final on Sunday and it is over. I am going to miss everyone. We all started together in June.

Oh i know which head my former husband is thinking or not thinking out of. He was supposed to come over last night to divide or talk about dividing up assets and debt, but he was a no show. He is supposed to now come tonight around 6:30. Also to take Jamie out to eat for her birthday (yesterday) i hope seeing he is also coming here to talk to me he has the sense to leave the girlfriend home. Jamie does not want to see her. That is why he cannot do another dinner at his house.

Yesterday with remnants of my migraine and being wiped out by no sleep and having to park at least a half a mile away from school, i almost thought i was not going to make it to the classroom. By the time i was close i was dragging my book bag. Our 2 coding books weigh a ton collectively. Really very heavy. It did no favors to my back. It is definitely the left side that is hurting the most . My leg on that side has been throbbing some this morning. It feels like a lump is sticking out on that side of my back too, very uncomfortable to sit back on that side. so yesterday I was kind of one sided sitting. then to look at the cases we are given to do, i realized my neck was all of a sudden hurting on the left side. Just the way my posture was doing all the paperwork. Wonder how an 8 hour 5 day a week job will feel? I can already tell. I don't know what kind of job i could do comfortably, probably none and i will just have to pick the best of the bunch. Or in 2 years move to some place really cheap and hope jeff lives forever or at least longer than me for money support. Of course as he has not saved for retirement, once he is there , we will both be in trouble. Unless , of course he is still with a girl friend who supports him.
Ok rambling, it is already one thirty and i have not even got in the shower yet, better do that.

judy

[Maria]

Hi Judy,
Well Lola is doing well and has been a very good dog these last few days she's been home. Of course she would eat anything in sight but I have to keep on her~

re my back..weird thing w/first waking up and the left sided over the hip pain also in the a.m. and p.m. as I sit it hurts tho after my pain medication and being mobile I don't feel anything at all. So who knows what it is. As long as it's not really disruptive to my life I just tend to ignore it.

I've learned to make less of my back probs as they almost always wear off on their own so I may complain a bit here and there but the overall effect is certainly nothing that I want to rush out and schedule surgery over and usually not even something that is bothering me by the time I get a doctor's appt.


So I'd have to say I'm doing well~ and Lola is too! yippeeee!!!!! Hope that's the case for you Judy and your family as well.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you Judy re all that happens with your "case" re dh. Don't hold your breath re him coming over to talk finances.. can you even really trust him on that? I dunno but getting it down legally would be the way I'd want to go with someone who has done what he has to date. I just don't know if I would trust him to expose complete truths with you at this point and esp. with the potential influence of a new girlfriend with whom he has formed a powerful bond.

Ok let's end this on a good note so yea.. you're almost done with your coursework!! Whoooohho! We have to Celebrate "graduation"!!!!!!

[dshobbies]

Judy,

I have had only two migraines, thankfully, in my entire life and don't know how you could even leave the house. Maybe there are different levels of migraines but I couldn't move my head - at all.

I know how our posture can affect our muscles and cause their own pain. Sitting on the side or not straight, etc. causes more pain which causes us to carry ourselves off center which causes more pain; repeat. But glad you're almost through. And no, I don't think you'll be able to do an 8 hour day in an office. You might want to look into state disability etc. You can ask your lawyer - maybe not his field but he might know.

As for cooperating with requests for sit downs, I don't think you should count on any resolution coming from amicable talks. Jeff has been dishonest and there's no reason to believe he'll be forthcoming financially. Though expensive, you probably should let the attorneys handle this aspect and if necessary, the additional cost of a forensic accountant may well be worth it. They investigate all money matters and find hidden assets. This will probably be your call but I fear the nice and easy way will leave you with less. Hoping otherwise - I think you're deceiving yourself.

As for my back, I think I'm heading south again. How I wish they had done L2/3 with the rest 6 years ago. I had 2 of my grandkids today and could barely stand up long enough to do the 3 year old's hair. When we left the Halloween store, I couldn't wait to get back to the car. Pain in very reminiscent of ... However, I haven't given up hope. I know Mark doesn't feel my flexion/distraction therapy will do any good but I'm still giving it a try. I just don't know what else to do!

What comes after Sunday? (and don't tell me Monday)

Dale

[Maria]

Dale,
I too have migraines tho not so badly as previously. They started when I was 47.

The ones that are truly terrible which now are very few and far in between require pitch black, no sound, no movement .. nothing and about 3 Fioricets.

The ones that are bordering on being there and maybe not to bad I can take one Fioricet and now after nearly 10 years with this medication I will also once in a great while go out and do whatever I planned on doing whether it be walking or driving there. Of course the driving is only if I feel up to it and am not effected by the drug in a drowsy manner.

Since I usually don't drive far so far I've done Ok. If I were to allow the h/a to progress and become quite problematic I can get photophobic, confused, dizzy feeling, forgetful, slurred speech, blurred vision, and sounds become amplified and even painful to hear.

So sometimes the migraines do vary in terms of how bad they are or how badly they progress and early intervention is best at least for me. Again I am well acquainted with my medication now after 10 years and this is far better than the abortive medication that I took in the beginning that would speed me up terribly (had to take it about when the aura stage hit). Once I took this medication during the h/a phase and was told I could have had a stroke as I developed some bad symptoms that lead my PCP to d/c me off this med (name I cannot recall at the moment).

Would it be best not to drive.. most likely as with many other drugs that are either prescription or non prescription and can cause drowsiness and/or effect the CNS or cause changes in reflexs/response re heavy machinery. Do we do it sometimes.. I do occasionally tho usually after taking the med and with a certain rest period of up to about 1-3 hours dependind on situation and of course severity of h/a and relief provided. If I still have a h/a or remnants I do not drive or even go out usually.

[jsewell]

I had one last year that required a trip to the ER. I woke up vomiting. It was the worst ever. They did a CT at the time , which showed some healing from the time i was diagnosed with the seizures after a week in the hospital. They gave me that wonderful IV med that stops nausea , also stopped vomiting . Then IV morphine and all that did was make it tolerable but still in the bad category.
BTW after the seizures, the neurologist told my surgeon that there was NO damage. He was so upset when i saw him post op and had picked up the report which said otherwise.
Sunday i was up every half hour and when i finally decided to sit up it hit. So i caught it right away with my migraine med (Maxalt ) It melts under your tongue pretty instantly. I then about 45 minutes later took percocet. Then i just sat there in my darkened room and waited. It got better, then i made coffee and something to eat as a test. In class at the 4 hour mark , i took more pain relievers to make sure I could make it through. As i said i did go in late too. I was fine.
I really think, as Maria said, you have to really catch these at the first sign of them. I consider myself lucky with this last one.

Dale i am so sorry to hear that your back is going the wrong way. So you think it is L2/3? If it gets really bad would you consider surgery?

Maria is Lola still doing ok , back to her old self eating everything in site? Our bigger dog, Henry, will also do that. Buddy is more of a sniffer so i have plenty of time if he even decides to eat something that is not food.

So Jeff did come over to talk last night. Jamie kind of lives downstairs so she saw him and he was asking her what happened in her accident. We know she hit someone on the jammed up freeway so i asked her if she was Ok and she said she did not know what happened, she could not remember so i never bugged her again. No offer of trying to get the totalled car hauled away, getting her a newer car for her long drive, nothing.
The 3 other kids did not come down stairs to see him.
I had our few assets and debts written down and he wrote each one down and then said he wanted to put them on a spreadsheet and come back. I think he is only coming back because Steffi will be here from Germany. She is Randy's fiance.
I did tell him if he did not settle peacefully, my attorney is willing to go to court and he will be paying for it, so he better cooperate with what i ask for. I then told him (although he always pays the rent) that just with our rent of $2650 and food of $1500 per month, he is looking at a lot of money. He goes $4000 that is a lot of money., Now i know he did not think this over for one second. As he was sitting there thinking about how much $4000 was, i told him for Becka it is $2000 per month. He got up to get water at that time. I told him he could write down my savings , but i saved that over 10 years one hundred dollars at a time. It is my safety net and for the kids college and he better not think of touching it. I then asked him where his college savings was for the kids. It was all very quiet and peaceful until i asked him why he kissed me on the head when he left me for another women and i didn't finish my statement and he got up and stormed out.

The next step is mediation which my attorney will set up for us.
My head aches in a different way today. I'll see if he shows up later in the week . He also invited Jamie to go to his house for a birthday celebration. I don't know if she will do it. I just told him it would be better for her if he took her out to eat alone. It went over his head!!

judy