Emotional issues (ptss) from years of back stuff

[dridobits]

I'm wondering if anyone has any similar stories or ideas. I had my accident in 94 or so. I had a chemically sensitive disc which could go off at any moment, regardless of where I was. I could be driving down the freeway and have to pull over for two hours off an exit and wait it out until I could drive again.

When it did, no matter where I was, I would have to lie down, sometimes for days until the spasms, leak, died down. Years of this led to panic attacks and stress that I lived with. I was in "survival mode" for so long, I wasn't in a position to adress the emotional toll it all took on me.

I am now approx six months post op and for now am satisfied with the results. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I'm also a cancer survivor and deal with that...being in remission. I'm being treated for panic stuff as a result but I'm wondering if others have similar stories. For years I was stuck inside the house, flat on my back....I still have my down days but the emotional toll is far greater than I ever thought.

I am getting help, but I feel like many don't "get" what's happened. Has anyone gone through this? They are now trying me on buspar.

[Maria]

I went thru so many years of episodic low back pain attacks which I would call "my back going out" as I could be doing anything like bending over to pull my underwear up and boom~ that slicing pain would hit and then I'd spasm badly and feel like cold something was running down my legs. Would need to lie down for an underdetermined amount of time ~ days, weeks... usually 2 to 4 weeks at a time.

The episodic pain that disabled me led to catastrophic thinking and I made some very deep decisions based on my life with disabling pain.

After my 2nd spine surgery the pain was chronic and worse than any episode I had ever experienced as the pain was deep and burning and altho I'd had that somewhat before it would go away in a few days. After that surgery it took 5 years to mostly go away and still left me with residual neuropathies.

Now I've had really good PM since 2001 and since 2004/5 I have felt much better. So much so I had decided to not take the chance with more surgery such as multi level ADR and/or hybrid surgery.

While pain no longer rules my life in the way that it did one day while planning a trip with "normies" (friends) all of a sudden I realized that I do have issues that might prevent me from doing all the things that my friends do on a trip but I had spent so much time around them feeling well that I had completely forgotten this!

Usually that is not the case~ the difference in my life now is that when an episode hits and usually I think it is muscle spasms now I can pretty much tell myself to just relax and wait it out. I'm much calmer now than I was many years past with regard to my pain and the toll it takes on me.

I have had nearly as many years seeing myself as a "spiney" as I was a "normie".

Now that's gotta have some mental hangover

[dridobits]

And I've made some pretty lousy decisions and I don't think the meds helped one bit but they have been survival. At the level of pain I had, if I hadn't had meds, I would have gone off the GG bridge. Many of us are probably on antidepressants, which I know I'll never get off of. That's ok. It's all the anxiety. I don't feel I can "trust" my back. It makes me not want to go out because it's not safe out there. I've got a therapist and a MD working with me for the anxiety, yadayada but I never realized how much emotional baggage goes with this.

As usual, I try to explain it to people. They say that's interesting....which I guess intellectually it is. I need to remember that saying...the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Home equals safety.

Thanks

[sahuaro]

I don't think your anxiety and fear are so unusual after living for so long with unpredictable, overwhelming pain and spasms. And being a cancer survivor is a double whammy--living with the sword of Damocles over your head. My MVA was 9 years ago and I still have an easily-triggered startle response, which can set off my trapezius muscles.
It is wonderful that your surgery has been successful. I am a bit leery of saying that my surgery was successful for fear of jinxing myself, but bottom line is that it was indeed successful and now that I'm 2 1/2 years out, I am no longer constantly thinking that things could go sour at any moment.
I hope you can stick with your therapy and work through the anxiety and fear, taking control of your life so that you can begin to enjoy your success!

[Maria]

I was there too for a long long time because even after 2 spine surgeries my low back just "went out" or crapped out on me big time in a extremely painful and disabling way.

The difference between how I think and feel now with regard this and how I did "then" is probably some time and distance emotionally from that point. Meaning that sort of episode hasn't happened in quite some time for me.

I'm not on any antidepressants. I took them for 6 months after my 2nd surgery in '92 and then only for neuropathies from '93-97 (not a therapeutic dose for depression/anxiety).

Back in 2006 someone helped me to get over feeling so anxious/scared about trying or doing things I had previously thought I couldn't do and wouldn't have attempted again for fear of further injury or worsened pain or episodes recurring.

Since then between feeling pretty secure with how my meds work for me and just doing better it seems (L5S1 has pretty much autofused on it's own after many many years) I am far less anxious/scared because I guess I just have had some decent time with things feeling better than worse. There are episodes here and there tho not nearly as frequently and not nearly to the extreme as in the past.

Oh yes, I too would have jumped off whatever if not for Neurontin, pain meds and ESIs most likely long long ago or at least waited for someone to push me off~

One day the "other shoe" may drop for me tho for now I'm enjoying myself as much as I'm able. I think when you feel comfortable with with progression and feeling better you'll probably stop feeling anxiety or fear. It's time and some stability where our backs are concerned and when we've experienced what we have with our spines that can be kinda scary.

Hang in there~

[dridobits]

Thanks guys, it helps to vent a little. I need to remember one day at a time. They are trying me on buspar now. It does seem to help.