How did/do you deal with the stress?

[jessmith07]

I feel like I'm falling apart...like there's a loose thread that's being pulled and all of my seams are slipping. I have an almost constant tremble; it's nothing visible, but I feel it. I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way...I'm two weeks away from departing for Germany, and now that the decision for surgery has been made, I don't know if I can go through with it. But I don't know if I can NOT go through with it. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating, and unable to reconnect. At times, I feel unable to make the smallest decisions. This is SO unlike me, and it's infuriating!!! There's a feeling of helplessness associated with all of this. I wish I could just close my eyes and fast forward to May 25th and I'm in the hospital and unable to back out. The waiting is the worst! UGH!

So NOW what? I don't know weather to laugh or cry!?!?

(can you tell I'm in an empty, quite house...and the "crazies" are getting to me AGAIN) I'm gonna go take a nap!

[Katie]

Honestly, and this is not going to be popular, but I used to have a beer. I don't drink...maybe have half a dozen a year, if that, but when I was totally overwhelmed, I'd have a bottle of light. I didn't like what I was doing, but it was the only way I could cope.

Some really 'smart' friends and family would offer suggestions like exercise, and could not understand why that would make things worse. The pain level would just escalate. Of course, this advice is coming from people who have barely had a headache in their lives.

I don' t know if you have tried this either but sometimes your doctor can prescribe ant-anxiety medication. I hate depending on this, but it is better than falling apart both physically and mentally.

I wish I could offer more...I'll put some more thought into it.

I do remember the day that I was first denied surgery by the Insurance. I was so sure I had done an awesome job of preparing my case. At that point, I still hadn't gotten sufficient pain control and was always on the edge of wanting to drop off the face of the earth. My friend and priest had driven down with me to get the letter from the courier, and there was so much red tape wording that I just didn't get it at first.

When it finally sunk in, I lost it...literally lost it. Screaming, yelling, sobbing and throwing things. This was so out of character for me, that I think everyone around was terrified that I was going to do something very wrong.

But it did work....it got all the nasties out of my system and allowed me to refocus. I don't know how you 'work', but perhaps a good belly wrenching cry will help. Just let it all out, and then regroup. Give yourself permission to be scared, to grieve for all the lost days, etc., and to throw away the stress.

So there's a few options for you. All of them have worked at different times for me, depending on the circumstances. For what it's worth, I think I will be doing through the same feelings when my surgery date gets closer. I think you are behaving normally and are incredibly brave. This is not a minor procedure. Be scared, then be brave...we will be with you all the way.

[dridobits]

Jess, so many hugs to you. I think it's normal for you to have a huge range of emotions. This is your future you are talking about...the next phase of your life. Of course your emotions are going to be many different things.

I have ativan and I take it when needed. It's a thought. For me, I don't need to suffer anymore than I have and the ativan takes the edge off. You might want to talk to your doc or someone about getting some to get you through this waiting period. Just a thought. It was offered to me when I had a very very stressful medical situation and since then the docs agree it's good for me to have on hand. There are other things like valium. I don't like to push more drugs but for me has made a huge difference.

Of course your scared and emotional. Your about to have a major surgery and we don't know the outcome. It's the not knowing that I think that can drive us crazy. However, when I was in that state of "not knowing" I realized it was an opportunity for me to work on my skills regarding such.

It's really important to remain positive. If you feel like your going into a negative space, it's important to share that with others. I think that just by talking about it and writing as you have that can diffuse the situation...let some air out of the bag.

I am wishing you the very best. When I'm stressed I do what relaxes me...maybe watching a good movie...something to take my mind off of it. I take a lot of hot baths and sometimes just the little differences of having clean sheets, clean clothes, clean house can really help take some anxiety away.

I will be thinking of you and am wishing you the very best.

[Cheryl]

Hey Jes

I totally felt like I was falling apart too. I called Chuck (on this forum) and he talked me through it. He has a friend who had 4 levels done right before I was due to go over there and I called him too. Something about talking to someone who just went through it and survived it really helped me. Send me a PM if you want to talk.

I'm 40 mom of 3 and live in Charlotte.

[treefrog]

I am having a bit of the crazies myself Jess. In the morning, I thought the whole financial situation was well under control. But then this afternoon things crashed again, and I feel like I am going to lose it.

I need for the financial part of this to be handled so I don't have to worry about it. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Everything is going to come down to the wire. And I feel like I am going to throw up.

And I haven't started worrying about the what-if's with surgery itself. If that happens, I don't know what I am going to do. I can't take it.

I am going to see my PM doc in the morning, I will talk to her, not just about meds, but about the stress and anxiety. I am usually a very calm person, and can handle whatever comes along, but I am not doing a very good job at it right now.

Thanks for calling me last night. And if you need to talk, feel free to call again. Or I could call you, I have national calling on my cell phone, and don't pay long distance. Just let me know if you need to talk.

[Nairek]

How do I deal with the stress? That is a really good question. I really don't know how I have dealt with it. So far this year I had a 6 day hospital stay with fusion surgery, had to put my dog to sleep, my grandmother passed away (we weren't very close though), my husband may be getting laid off from work soon, we are moving out of state, & the medical bills are starting to roll in from surgery. I'm surprised that I haven't totally snapped yet.

I have seriously mellowed out over the years. When I was younger, I was known for blowing up over relatively small things. I noticed that after I got hurt the first time around, the more stressed out I got, the more my muscles tensed up & the more I hurt.

I made decisions in my life to avoid/rid myself of those who caused a lot of stress/drama for me. It helped but I was lonely. So I adopted a beagle. Boy oh boy she was a handful. She created a lot of stress for me but I loved her & eventually after a few years she mellowed out some. Pets are truly the best stress relief a person can have. Sadly, I had to put my beloved Peanut to sleep 1 month after having my fusion surgery. I miss her terribly & still about cry when I talk about her.

When I was going through my appeals with BC/BS & the NYS Insurance Dept. to get approval for ADR surgery, I was working 40-45 hours per week & going to school 3 nights per week as well. In the middle of all of this, I got married as well. In the end, I lost my appeals & continued the downward spiral with my spine.

I concentrated on finishing school which was a huge accomplishment since I always hated school. I even made the Dean's List & managed an academic citation. Holy cow was all I could say

I think I deal with stress in an odd way. I have always had or created my own stress for years. I guess I have just dealt with it for so long, that my mind has just accepted it as a daily thing. I am not on medication for it. Been there, done that, hated it.

The only way that I was able to deal with the stress of surgery was to more or less disassociate myself from the reality of it so to speak. Not necessarily a healthy thing to do I guess. I tried to not think of the bad things that could happen. I more or less live & think on a day to day basis. I can't look at things in a long term sort of way. When I think about too much at once, I get hit with anxiety.

I do suffer from depression. It can get really bad sometimes. It's usually worse at night. I just cry & let it out. I also listen to music. Anything from classical to death metal. I'm more of a metal chic though I use to play keyboards & I'll have to try to get back into that again as well as drawing. When the moment strikes, I write poetry.

I don't know if any of these things will help you to relieve stress. I say give it a shot & see if it helps. Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. There are a lot of people here who have walked down the same road. We are a community & we are here to help. Please do not be afraid to reach out.

I wish you well & hope that you are able to get some rest!

Karin

[runner]

Jess,

I think you will be fine and you CAN DO THiS.
It may seem overwhelming to you now, but soon you will be on the other side.
Think about the pain relief you will eventually experience.
Think about getting your real life back.
Think about how your family will like their real mom back.
Think about going to your kid's activities and not worrying about your back.

Good luck and don't worry too much.

Runner

[jessmith07]

Thank you all SO much for taking the time to talk me through this and share.

I'm doing better today, and I decided that it's best not to alter my schedule and stay home...it's best to just push though it no matter what.

I did manage to get a nap yesterday, and go to my daughter's band concert last night (sitting in those metal folding chairs is NO FUN!!! ) then woke up at about 12:30 this morning and didn't go back down until around 4:00.

But! I didn't post any middle-of-the night panic stricken rantings, so I must be calming down and getting some peace with what's going on.

You guys really are a HUGE help for me...you are like my guardian angels...

[dshobbies]

Jess & all,

Living with constant pain, facing an uncertain surgery, dealing with financial issues - it all wears you down and robs you of your sanity. The fears and anxiety are overwhelming. These mere mortal descriptive words can't even begin to encompass the toll on your life and the effects to your family and friends.

If you know how to meditate, it can relax you, giving you the chance to cope just a little more. If not, it is very definitely worth looking into. I also recommend wearing a good back brace when in taxing situations. It was the only thing that allowed me to go out into the world. Though you ultimately might become dependent on the brace, so what. If it helps, it helps.

All of us here know about the crazies. We've all had/have them. It's a consequence of your situation. If you didn't have them, we'd probably all question your mental health. As far as dealing with your feelings, we each managed to find our own way but try to smile, try to laugh, even if that laughter leads to tears.

I know it's tough, my best, Dale

[treefrog]

Originally Posted by dridobits

I have ativan and I take it when needed. It's a thought. For me, I don't need to suffer anymore than I have and the ativan takes the edge off.

My PM doc prescribed ativan for me today, as one of the meds to take to Germany with me. In addition she prescribed amitriptyline (sleep aid, and anti-depressant), zofran (for nausea), more Opana-ER and oxycodone (the two pain meds I've been taking, but she gave me double the amount), and lidoderm patches for around the incision. So, I think I am ready to go, as far as meds are concerned. Oh, except I am going to buy some Miralax when I pick up the Rx's after work.

With all the stress I've been dealing with, I am planning on taking an amitriptyline tonight. I hope it will help me get a better night's sleep than I've been getting lately.

Jess, I hope you are doing okay today. And I hope you have a nice weekend, especially for Mother's Day.

[Nairek]

Originally Posted by jessmith07

Thank you all SO much for taking the time to talk me through this and share.

Any time Jess. Remember, you are not alone.

Karin

[mmglobal]

We are in such a tough spot needing this kind of surgery. We have very few options and none of them are great. If you have done enough research to fully believe that you are making the best choice possible, you are doing everything you can to save your life. Some people approach their surgery with great anxiety, but it's not helpful. You are just a few short weeks or months away from disovering what the rest of your life can be like. Embrace the flood of emotions you are having... (hopefully,) you'll never again experience things so intensely. It's like trying to drink from a fire hose.. you are being flooded with such intense emotion, it's hard process. Just know that whatever it's like and whatever your recovery is like, if this gets you to a better life... you'll look back on this and will barely remember how difficult it was. This all just makes for a better story. I'm always surprised but have seen many times, people who struggled as you are wind up telling others that it was 'no big deal'. Go be a success and this will be something to smile about!

See you in Straubing!

Mark

[mmglobal]

Ps... I'm the tall guy with a big scar on my abdomen from my lumbar adr... a big scar on my neck from my cervical adr, and a big smile on my face.

[jessmith07]

Well, it's almost 1:00 and I just woke up. I ran out of sleeping pills, and forgot to go pick up my refill from the pharmacy. However, I'm feeling more at peace, albeit a bit restless. I think my increased dosage of my daily anxiety medication is starting to help. Sometimes I wish I could push "pause" on my children's neediness and selfishness as I know that they are a source of stress that under normal conditions I can handle with ease. My children are wonderful people and even on their worst days are better than some kids that I've seen on their best days, but they still go through the normal "it's all about me" and sometimes I want to scream at them, "Look at me, Darn it! No, It's NOT all about you! WHAT ABOUT ME?" But of course, I can't do that to them...they don't understand, and at this point in their lives, they really aren't supposed to. I grew up feeling like my mother's therapist, and a lot of the time, I felt like my mother's parent, and I just won't do that to my children.

And so, I have to breathe deep. They know that something's wrong. They ask if I'm okay, and then they ask can I do this, can I go here, don't forget about (fill in the blank), and on, and on...

God bless my husband for all the help he gives. He insisted we go out on a date tonight, and even though I really didn't want to, I went anyway, for him, and we went out to dinner, and we had a lovely time. We talked about looking forward to a time when the kids will be grown and won't be running us ragged, and we can find ourselves again, and I was thinking about how I can look forward to a pain free future with the love of my life...

And then it dawned on me...I can see HOPE...

[runner]

Jess,

Hope is a good thing.
I know about the kids, although I only have four.
My youngest is four.
My oldest is 18.
They can be, "me, me, me".
Usually it is can i have some money.
The two oldest are girls and the two youngest are the boys.
It is quite different between the two. LOL.
They were the biggest help after my surgery in 2008 and they do get IT after you are at home recovering.
I was thinking about Dale (DShobbies) saying about meditation because that is what I do and started that when i was a young athlete.
It really helps to put your mind in a good state and you can do it as little as a couple minutes a day. Just close your eyes, shut out everything, and take some deep breaths.
It is very calming.
I did that before my surgery, especially right before the anesthesiologist said it was time to go nite, nite.
It can be so overwhelming because you know once you have the surgery, you are not in charge anymore for a while. You have to take care of yourself.
Your family will survive. I think i drove mine nuts because I wanted things done my way.
I did find it helpful to have a hospital bed for a few months downstairs (we have a two-story house) and I "ran" the house from there. Yeah, alright. I really didn't but the little ones knew not to jump on the bed and i didn't feel like I was put off somewhere else in the house where it was more difficult to get help when I needed it (and at first i did need help, like with dressing and stuff.) You have got to remember this is major surgery. BTW, the lidocaine patches were great for incisional pain.
I got up and walked but when i wasn't walking, I was laying down, resting. The surgery was exhausting to my body and I needed to rest.
That's it. You will get through it fine.
Think positive thoughts.

Runner

[treefrog]

I'm glad your anti-anxiety meds are starting to work. That was really sweet that your husband wanted a date night, I hope you enjoyed it.

Hope is a wonderful thing. It keeps me going.

I wasn't able to take the amitriptyline last night, or the ativan. I found out the amitriptyline should be taken everyday, so I will wait and ask my doctor if that is how I should be taking it, I thought it was something to take just when I felt I needed it. And I didn't take the ativan, because I ended up having some swelling in my legs and feet. And I didn't want to take something new, with the possibility of some unknown side effects, I didn't want to chance it.

Monday will test my calm again. I will be sending part of the payment for surgery. But I want to make sure I get the best deal, so I will be checking with my bank before setting up the transaction with xe.com. Either way, I need to stop at the bank on my way into work. Uggh, I have a difficult enough time getting going in the morning. I'm not looking forward to dealing with this. But it needs to get done. Hopefully it will take some weight off my shoulders to have it finished.

I hope you are having a nice weekend.

[Katie]

Not to make you worry ahead of time, but the amytriptyline caused nightmares for me, and also for another friend of mine in the same boat. My PM doctor recommended it for pain control so I could sleep through the night. The nightmares prevented that from being a success

It does not have that effect with most people though, so try not to assume it will with you. I just wanted to let you know that it is a slim possibility in case it happens and you think you are going nuts

[Michelle Maree]

One thing I have noticed is how important it is to be properly medicated for pain.
I am amazed and envious at how many drugs you guys are on and how freely they seem to be given.
This is something extremely hard to obtain in Australia its actually quite discusting .
I had to fight tooth and nail to get something stonger than ibuprophen here and once on oxycontin am not allowed to refill my prescription untill just about to the day, let alone up the dose because it isnt covering the pain.
So I would say proper pain management is a must.

[Nairek]

Michelle,

It is true that in the US it is a lot easier to have pain meds prescribed by your doctor. Actually, any meds for that matter. It seems that the answer to what ails people is to just pop pills. At least that's how it seems how doctors think.

I have been on pain meds & muscle relaxants on & off for years. I get them filled at the same pharmacy & I know that I am on their "watch list". If my pain mgmt doc doesn't write my scripts out clearly, I have to wait for the pharmacy to call him before they fill my script. So if I try to fill it on a Saturday, I have to wait until Monday. Good thing I keep a few extra pills to get through the weekend.

Any narcotic medication that I have been on, will not have a refill. I have to go back to the pain mgmt doc to get another prescription. I believe this is how they keep track as to how much you are taking & whether or not the prescribed dose is helping.

It's really sad that you have to fight so hard to get the relief that you need. Proper pain mgmt is a must & you shouldn't be denied that.

[treefrog]

My Opana-ER prescription could have been filled sooner than the "month", because I could have gotten this last one filled. But, the pharmaceutical company's coupon card can only be used once every 25 days. So, I told the pharmacy I would come back after I could use it. $25 is $25, and I need to save as much money as I can. It will still be before I go to Germany, and that's all that matters.

But, yes. Here in the US it seems the answer to everything is pop a pill. I don't know if that is the answer either. But I sure am grateful I can get the pain medication I need.

I did have to sign a pain contract with my PM doctor. If I break that contract, they won't see me anymore. I can't take any pain meds prescribed by any other doctor. I have to submit to a urine test, whenever they ask. I am fine with this, as they only do it to protect themselves from people who try to get drugs when they don't need it.

[Maria]

I think you made the decision to have surgery because you feel it's what is going to work for you so as others have said be hopeful and go!

Feeling scared is so normal but as it is has been said if you've done all you can on a conservative level and that's not working then you have to reasonably move to the next step that will help you achieve your personal goal to get better.

You had 7 kids and are raising them so this is probably going to be like a vacation to you (at least a little like one)

Best wishes with your upcoming surgery and I say *just do it* (I didn't and I admire people that get it together and do!)!!!

[runner]

Michelle Maree,

BTW, I just had to say this but my daughter's name is Maree Michelle, with Michelle her middle name. I rarely see the name Maree. So I thought it uncanny that you have both her names in your posting name.

About the availability of drugs, apparently the Bush administration and the DEA cracked down on drug abusers by making it difficult for the normal person who is taking pain meds for pain and not a high.
When i go to the pharmacy, I often feel like I am looked down upon or thought as a drug-abuser.
One time, I got a prescription from my doctor and raced to Costco (because that is where all my meds were) and my daughter was driving me and we got there 45 minutes before they were closed. And the person there (pharmacist) is complaining because I got there too late and I am explaining we just got out of the doctor's office.

And the people there are like , "You can come back tomorrow and fill the prescription", and I am trying to them that I am in severe pain and cannot drive and am about to have major back surgery, etc... They were so ignorant of the fact that getting from here to there meant that I needed help, that I couldn't just pop over to Costco at a moment's notice and I could not just go without pain meds until the next day.
.
After that and the fact that they did not always carry oxycontin, which I was taking at that time, I switched pharmacies. But I learned long before that in the US, the doctors expect all your prescriptions at one pharmacy.
Way back when, when I first hurt my back, the physical rehab and pain doctor's nurse told me that I had to have ALL of my prescriptions at one pharmacy. I had prescriptions all over the place.
Now I just have them at a 24 hour pharmacy.

And when I was on the heavy narcotics like Oxycontin, I realized that people think that you are going to get addicted if you start them, and they didn't realize that you may build tolerance to the drug but not many people get addicted when they are taking them for pain control and not to get a high.

I found many misconceptions about pain meds and people with back pain. I always feel odd when going to pick up my prescriptions. I am taking Gabapentin (neurotoin) and i ran out recently and I am trying to tell the clerk over the phone that I can not go cold turkey on the drug. The next time, I spoke to the pharmacist himself and he was understanding and gave me a few days supply because it took at least five days to get this prescription filled.
Stuff like that is really irritating.
Also in the US to get Percocet (Oxycodone, acetaminopen) or Oxycontin, you have to get a prescription straight from the doctor's office and if the doctor doesn't fill it out properly, the pharmacy won't fill the prescription.
WHen you are in severe pain, it is difficult to go pick up a prescription because you are not supposed to drive while taking narcotics.
So you have to get someone to take you to the doctor's office.

It is just a pain and i think they are punishing innocent people who have legitimate reasons to get pain meds.

That's my humble opinion.

Runner

[Michelle Maree]

Runner, it is more unusual way of spelling Maree, I must ask my mother why. And with that name I bet your daughter is as lovely as me .

It really hurts me that I am treated like a junkie in this country for being on medication that I really need. i have hurt and aged so much from this pain to then have little sympathy from the doctors has actually made me feel suicidal. I get no high from the medication at all in fact it doesnt cover it for more than very basic livind. And I know that if I didnt have this pain anymore that I would give it up cold turkey like after my last operation.
I then think,if I do choose to go to Germany in the next month or so how the hell am i going to get the extra medication to take with me? I may even need Dr B to call on my behalf to arrange it .Now that would be funny!!!

How did you guys arrange it?
Did you need documentation?
Michelle

[runner]

Michelle Maree,

the usual spelling here is Marie. She is my first so I wanted her to be unique and I really loved the name.
She doesn't always like it because people cannot spell it or pronounce it properly.
Funny enough, I got the name from a soap opera. One day, while I was pregnant, I saw the real name of an actress as Maree. Maybe that was fortune-telling because my Maree does sing and act. Real extrovert, unlike her mom.

One thing I found here, is that none of my current doctors treat me like a junkie. (Although I did speak to doctors that were like that).
They believe I am in pain and have given me pain prescriptions when I have needed them. When I went off pain meds after surgery, I was allowed to slowly decrease the dosage. I was in a heck of a lot of pain immediately after surgery, but the pain meds were sufficient. That was one thing I was worried about was being undermedicated. My fears were actually unfounded.

[jessmith07]

Hi All...I hope all you Mom's had a great Mother's Day...I sure did!

Well, I'm feeling much more calm, although still scared. My pain at the moment is being managed by my regular doctor, and when I called and explained that I needed enough pain meds for a month for after surgery, all she gave me was 60 Lortabs, 10mg. I thought, that's 2/day if something happens and I have to stay for a month...or 4/day for the 2 weeks I'm planning on being there. Not good enough. So, I decided to make an appointment with a pain management doctor to get myself established before I left, because I figured that I might need one after I got back, and it'd be easier if I already had one. I have an appointment this Wednesday. I sent the names and numbers of all my doctors and an authorization to contact them and get my records, as well as a description of my surgery and diagnosis from Dr. B. Hopefully, he'll be more helpful and understanding in getting me what I need.

Now, if I could only get back into a decent sleeping pattern...I have definitely seen an improvement with the increased Cymbalta, my daily anti-anxiety med, and I'm able to focus a bit better, and I know that would get even better if I were well rested.

I have my moments when I still want to "chicken-out" of the surgery, but I did that last year with the laminectomy, and cancelled it back in April, because I had found a drug that got my pain under control, just as I have now. So I resumed my active lifestyle, and even kicked it up a notch, and wound up doing even more damage, and the medication wore off, and I was in so much pain, I could barely move. Plus, the medication I'm on now, Arthrotec, has some pretty nasty side-effects for being on it long-term, so even though it took my pain level from an 7/8 down to a 2/3 INSTANTLY, I want off of it ASAP. But, I have to admit, it's still tempting to say, "I'm not so bad, now...I don't really need this surgery, do I?" And then I'll look at my x-rays and MRI images, and say, "Yes, Jess...you have to do this, before you make other areas worse..."

Anyway...I haven't been on in a couple of days, so I just wanted to check in...everyone's been keeping me pretty busy, and I've been forcing myself to stay in bed at night, even though I'm awake...

I'm still hanging in there...and the handle is getting stronger...

[treefrog]

My Mother's Day was very blah, though that isn't necessarily a bad thing. My boyfriend worked Saturday night, and slept well into the afternoon. Then when he got up, we only spent a little time together before he took off to go to MD to check on his house there. He's turning right back around, and driving back home tonight. But he wanted to check on everything, before we go to Germany.

So, I watched TV, called my Mom. Then my sister called me, and later my son called me too. Anyway, my sister had talked to our Mom, who mentioned that I had been talking about asking her (my sister) to go to Germany with me. Well, I had been talking about it, but only if my boyfriend wasn't able to be there the entire time (but he is going to be there). But, she said she wanted to be there for me, and would find a way if I wanted her to be there.

I suggested that she come stay with me, after I get home from Germany. So, that is what she is planning (she needs to work out some details). But, I can't tell you how happy I am that she is going to come spend a week with me, and help out. She started talking about cooking meals for me, to freeze in portions, so I could just reheat them after she is gone. I can't tell you how much of a help that is going to be. Plus, just having someone at home to help with every little thing, and talk to. My sister and I are exactly one year apart - to the day - and we are such good friends too.

Michelle (and Jess), I also have a very good relationship with my pain management doctor. I have been seeing her for a year and a half, and she trusts me. When she had me sign the "pain contract", I felt like it was only a formality, and she has only ever asked me to do a urine test that first day (to prove I was only taking what she has prescribed). When I told her I was going for surgery, and that I was concerned about the pain, and anxiety and all kinds of other things, she only wanted to help. Every concern I had, she addressed (with meds). But she also said she wanted to see me when I got back, within a week of returning, or sooner if I needed her. I'm sure she wants to make sure my pain is being managed adequately.

I think it is imperative that we have a doctor who trust us, who don't make us feel like drug addicts, and want to control our pain. I know that finding that kind of doctor can be next to impossible in some areas. But, if your doctor is not meeting your needs, try to find one who will.

My anxiety of late last week hasn't come back. This morning I made a partial payment for my surgery. And everything went smoothly. Although, I made the mistake of not checking my bank account before I set up the transactions. I did not think my cash advance would be posted to my checking account, so I only made the partial payment with the money I knew was there, when I could have paid in full. But, I will pay the rest later this week. But I tell you, I was really worried when they started talking about rescheduling my surgery, if I couldn't arrange payment before I arrived. Luckily that is all going to work out. Phew.

[Eastex]

I want to thank every one that posted on this. I too am suffering from depression and it was nice to read these comments. I can see that everyone goes through these feelings. I was in severe pain for years, had surgery, then my wife left, and I am still in pain. All of my guns are at a relatives house now. I have had really bad thoughts and I am tired of the meds now. I know I have to take them, to get through this. My Pain doc is working with me and there is a counselor that I see. I can't stand to listen to country music. It is so depressing. I listen to rock mostly. But, it is strange for a Texan not to listen to country! I know it will get better. Time heals all wounds.

[runner]

Eastex,

I think Rascal Flats and Kenney Chesney are pretty uplifting.

Runner

[Katie]

Eastex, It took a long time to find the right medication to keep my pain at a manageable level. It 's not perfect of course, as the meds make me very unsteady at times, but if I keep on top of them and don't let the pain get ahead, then life is worth living....and I'm saying that very seriously.

I hope you can keep trying to find the right medication that won't interfere with life too much. Mine just makes me sleepy mainly, and I can't talk or type too well most of the time, but I don't have the awful nausea, disorientation, etc tha the others gave me. Some of them made me so ill I ended up in an ambulance, so I am very careful about which ones I take.

I haven't checked your past posts so forgive me if this has been covered before, but are you scheduled for any surgery or relief of any kind?

Hang in there.

[symara]

Reading everyones posts here has helped me not feel alone...

especialy as I sit here at my desk trying not to cry.

My husband and I both work at the same company, but for different supervisors. His is a little more strict and expects him to be here for 50-60 hrs a week (we are both exempt) mine in relaxed and as long as i do my 40 a week i'm good. so he's expected to be here for 10 hrs a day regardless if he takes his hour lunch or not. He just re-iterated (sp?) that to me and I just feel like crying, we car pool and these long days are killing my back to the point of tears. I have a desk job and getting up every hour or even 1/2 hour is not helping.... the day isn't even half over and I just feel so depressed at spending another 4.5 hrs here...

[Katie]

Oh, I am so sorry for you. Big hugs.... ((()))

Is it possible to file for disability, either long or short term? It will hurt the family income, but if you get to the point where you can't function at all, that will not help anyone....we have been in this rocky boat...most of us. Really sit down and take stock of what is important in your life. You'd be surprised at what is 'expendable' right now...not forever, but to just to get you through the day easier.

You can call me anytime...pm if you like.

[symara]

I have thought about filing disability, but we are in too much debt right now. One thing after another has broke down in our house in the last 6 months, right after we made two big purchases of a big screen TV and a new car... which we would have been fine with just those two, but then we had to replace our sewer line, fridge, oven, microwave, hot water heater, sump pump, and probably something else I'm forgeting. We just can't decrease our income right now.

I can't even afford to take off for surgery until Aug (If I'll be off longer than 8 weeks) if I want to supplement my STD with my vac and sick leave to get 100% income.

Plus, my job wouldn't be here when I came back from disability, I know that, I would be off longer than 12 weeks and they wouldn't be able to hold it longer than that. It's a good job, I can't afford to lose it.

[treefrog]

Is there any place that you can lie down at your work?

I understand the financial worries.

With the economy the way it is, it's scary to think I might not be able to come back to work within 12 weeks, and then to lose my job. As it is, I will have to come back to a different job. My boss can't hold my job.

But, I have to think positively. Or I would never get through surgery. And I know this is my only shot at being able to function normally again.

I hope you can find a doctor to get a second opinion.

[jessmith07]

Originally Posted by Eastex

I want to thank every one that posted on this. I too am suffering from depression and it was nice to read these comments. I can see that everyone goes through these feelings. I was in severe pain for years, had surgery, then my wife left, and I am still in pain. All of my guns are at a relatives house now. I have had really bad thoughts and I am tired of the meds now. I know I have to take them, to get through this. My Pain doc is working with me and there is a counselor that I see. I can't stand to listen to country music. It is so depressing. I listen to rock mostly. But, it is strange for a Texan not to listen to country! I know it will get better. Time heals all wounds.

Eastex,

Heloooo Texas...I'm from Ft. Worth! It's been a while since I've been home (at least 10 years, but moved away in 1994), but you know what they say, "You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the Girl!"

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you're still having so many problems. My ex-husband had a fusion (while I we were still married) and so I know both sides of the coin here, both being a care-giver and a patient. I do remember that he was in a LOT of pain for quite some time after his fusion (posterior, not anterior), and it took at least 5-6 months for him to finally start to feel "better". Now...that being said, he was not the most compliant patient, and didn't want to do what the doctors told him to do if it caused him the slightest amount of pain, so I think that could have prolonged his healing. BUT...he did eventually get better...all told, it took him a little over a year to fully recuperate. So, be a patient patient (I know that's easier said than done). When I had my laminectomy last September, I (illogically, I know) expected to be able to jump out of bed and get back to being the super-mom, super-wife, super-(fill-in-the-blank) that I thrive on being. But that certainly didn't happen...I know I've probably said this before, but it took time for your back to get to the point of needing surgery, and now that you've had it, you've got to give it time to heal.

Now, on another point regarding meds...my doctor, about 6 weeks ago, tried me on a new (for me) med called Arthrotec 75. It's an NSAID for osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis, but I tell you what, I took that pill at night with a pain level of 7/8 (I HATE narcotics or opiates; I'd only take a narcotic when I was DESPERATE and suffering the rest of the time), and when I woke up the next morning, my pain level was a 3/4. The next ay it was down to a 2/3 and it's remained between 1/3 ever since. You might talk to your doctor about this.

Hang in there, and don't be afraid to talk to us. It really helps more than just you...or me...to know that we aren't alone.

Jess

[jessmith07]

Symara,

Are you thinking of having a 3rd discectomy on that disc or are you thinking of having a fusion or ADR? If you're thinking of a 3rd discectomy, then you wouldn't have to be off work for so long...can you work from home? I know I'll probably be working from my hospital bed in Germany...but I'm a little on the anal side and I want things done MY way and don't want anyone else doing MY STUFF...

I know that's probably not much comfort...but just know that regardless of the choice you make, you aren't alone. I learned that very quickly after I joined this forum. This is a community of good people who have soothed me at noon while I'm fighting back tears at my desk at work, and at 3:00 in the morning, while I'm fighting the "crazies" in my living room. I have found so much peace here...I wish there was a way we could organize an annual iSpine Reunion just we could get together every year and I could hug everyone's neck (gently! )...and I've only been a member for a couple of months!

Hang in there, and I know that there are a lot of people who are available to talk via the forum or one-on-one (feel free to PM me if you'd like) anytime you need it.

[treefrog]

I just "googled" arthrotec - I think this is the drug my rheumatologist is going to try me on. Her nurse called to tell me they got the message about the swelling, and she wanted me to try a different med. They are calling it in today, I'll pick it up on my way home. I asked the nurse what it was, she was trying to spell it, but was having difficulty reading the doc's handwriting, but she did say it was diclo....something.

If this is what she is prescribing, I really hope it works. I have been having such a hard time with pain and stiffness in my feet and hands. But it's my feet that worry me the most. After surgery, it's going to be difficult enough trying to walk around. Having the added stiffness and pain isn't going to help.

[symara]

ok, speaking of stress....

did you every argue with your significant other/husband/wife where they think you are being close minded to their opinion about what procedure you are going to have done because you know you DO NOT want fusion???!!! We got in a big argument because I would rather be in pain than have fusion and he thinks I haven't researched all the pros and cons of it and I have my mind only set on ADR...

It's just so frustrating

[Katie]

Thankfully my husband has complete trust in the research I have done regarding my upcoming surgery.

I have to tell you though, that I've had to do a complete 180 in my own opinions. I researched ADR vs fusion for over a year, and was headed for what I thought was the right plan...four ADRs. Because of several reasons, including problems with insurance, etc. I've had to look elsewhere and I am now comfortable with getting hybrids, ADR plus fusion.

And I am only comfortable with this because of the superb reputation of the surgeon. He explained things well (although I still need some more questions answered), and while I have had to compromise on my previous decision, I feel it is going to be fine.

If someone had told me six months ago that I would accept fusion, I would have thought them insane. But I opened my mind once again, and accepted that there may be more than one answer to the same question.

I truly hope that you find the answer you are looking for. This is a very tough road.

[treefrog]

My boyfriend and I did have one argument because he thought I should just deal with the pain, and if it were him he wouldn't choose surgery. But, he's come around.

And like Katie, he respects the research I've done, and knows that this is the best decision for me.

It's difficult when you feel your significant other is not supportive. Or trivializes your pain.

[jessmith07]

Symara,

I'll post more on this subject when I get home tonight (I'm at work, but not getting much done... ), but if you'll send me a private message with your email address, I'll send you some really good material that I've gathered about the benefits of ADR vs. fusion that you can give to your husband to read, if you'd like.

Jess

[mmglobal]

We have to understand that they don't necessarily have a frame of reference that would let them understand. It is often terrible when our spouses, families, friends and coworkers don't get what we are experiencing and therefore cannot support us in the way that we hope. However, it is sometimes unreasonable for us to expect them to. This is especially true when they have doctors or friends who are medical professional how have expectations about the options we pursue, without having informed knowledge about them.

Jess... treefrog... I'm looking forward to that iced cafe' in the town square with smiles and hugs all around. See you in a couple of weeks (or less!)

Mark

[Eastex]

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I see my pain management doctor tomorrow and I am going to tell him that the pain is driving me nuts. I went to see Kenny Chesney Friday night, and I woke up screaming in pain Saturday morning. My calfs were cramping real bad. They are still hurting. I must of done a little too much that night. I have PT tomorrow and maybe we can work them out. I will let everyone know what the doctor says.

[Katie]

Eastex, many of my friends and family, including myself, have discovered that those really bad leg cramps (charlie horses) can be gotten rid of by taking magnesium supplement pills, or even the calcium magnesium ones. They seem to be caused by an imbalance of some kind.

The pain can be excruciating, and I was amazed that taking three or four of those pills that can be gotten from the drug store, can get rid of the cramps really quickly.

Even my mom takes them after getting some really expensive other supplements from her doctor a few years ago. They both work, but hers were breaking her budget

These may work for you, and sure can't hurt to try, as far as I know. I can't remember exactly which dose I was using, but it didn't seem to make that much difference.

This is much different than the nerve pain we experience from the spine, right? This is the cramping that drives you nuts, comes on suddenly and you have to get up and walk around to try and get rid of them? At least that is what it sounds like you are describing. Hope this works for you.

[runner]

Eastex.

I am so jealous of you that you saw Kenny Chesney. You lucky dog!!!
That is on my list of fun things to do when I feel better.
I hope your pain management doctor can help you with your pain issues.
I went to see a high school senior play piano today. He was fabulous, but I have increased back pain today after got back.
I remember you from before you got surgery. I hope you are soon feeling better. Have to tell you I got those charlie horse cramps in my calves for months before they went away.
Jay Leno is on right now. We had a 4.7 earthquake yesterday. So Leno says that animals can sense earthquakes. He says, "My cat was twittering me yesterday before the earthquake". Something like that.

take care,

Runner

[Eastex]

I should of started another post! But, I think it all reflects on the subject that was started. The pain doc increased my opana, cymbalta, and put me on Naprelan also. Kept me on Hydrocodone at the same amount. I told him that the depression seems to come and go. This divorce and surgery has about drove me nuts! So he has me taking 90mg of cymbalta now. We will see what happens. After my charlie horse problems the physical therapist had me use some stretcher type thing to help. When I was at the pain doc he said he wanted to give me a shot. I forgot what he called it, but damn it hurt. It was worse than my disco that I had. He also put me back on neurontin.

[cavalier]

My advise is DONT try to think of the WHOLE thing at ONCE - just think of it in mini steps & one thing at a time - day by day. Take a DEEP breath & pray leave it at God's feet if you believe in God & trust that he knows your worries cares etc. It will overwhelm u if you try to think of the whole picture at one time. Just do steps each day to get yourself over there & once there take it as it comes. You can deal with tommorrow when tommorrow comes.
I had my ADR L4L5 a complicated case for a single level by Dr B at Straubing - I didn't know how we would get there in one weeks notice but we did.
I am in the process now of having to assemble thoughts quickly again - for my neck in going back to Germany.
My Best & know you have many others upholding you in spirit - that I REALLY felt the day of my surgery & afterwards. I still remember Mark's call from the USA.
Day by day my dear bit by bit - dont think too far ahead just break it down - it is more managable that way.

Jill

[Kraze Kat]

I have been reading the various topics and trying to be not so freaked out about the operation I will be having shortly. My main question, though, is are there people that have gone through ADR by themselves. Unfortunately it is just me and my crazy cat. I would like to know what is recommended to do in advance. I have a feeling my fridge will be stocked with TV dinners at least for the first little while. One of my cars is an automatic, so that should be easier. I have automatic feeders and such for the cat so I will not have to pour food everyday. His water will also last a couple weeks (though all I really have to do is let the faucet drip as he prefers this. I am sorry I am a little scatterbrained right now, but I have two weeks until I have it done. I am trying to tie up all of the loose ends and have most of it under control (I think). I just don't want to overlook any small details that can turn around to bite me in the butt. I hope I am mentally prepared, but we will soon see. AAAGH! (There, I got it out)

[Katie]

What surgery are you having?

Can you get one of those 'fingers on a stick' gadgets? They have a handle on one end and grippers on the others so that you can pick things up without bending over, or get things off a tall shelf?

Remember that your gut will be sluggish after anesthetic, especially if you are having lumbar surgery and your organs are being moved aside. So make sure the food you are stocking up on is good for you, not too much junk food which will contribute to constipation. You will heal better with a proper diet too. Trail mix, with dried fruit and nuts gives you something to chew on, easy to eat (no preparation), and helps keep the gut moving, just as a start.

Make sure that the kitty doesn't jump on you and your incision...we have several of the critters, and I know how they like to crawl over us and jump on the most inappropriate areas

I'm sorry, I haven't gone through this myself, but am trying to remember what I liked having around when I went through my last abdominal surgery. Keep posting and don't worry about 'too many questions'. That's what we're here for.

How about gadgets for the shower and/or bath too...rubber mats to make sure you don't slip when you are able to use it, but are still a little unsteady. You can rent stools for sitting while you shower, and handles for the side of the tub, just in case. I'll keep thinking....

[Kraze Kat]

][quote=Katie;10257]What surgery are you having?
I am having L-5/ S-1
Can you get one of those 'fingers on a stick' gadgets? They have a handle on one end and grippers on the others so that you can pick things up without bending over, or get things off a tall shelf?

I can try to find one, though things are hard to find here. This is one of those times I wish Germany still had Wal-Mart.

Remember that your gut will be sluggish after anesthetic, especially if you are having lumbar surgery and your organs are being moved aside. So make sure the food you are stocking up on is good for you, not too much junk food which will contribute to constipation. You will heal better with a proper diet too. Trail mix, with dried fruit and nuts gives you something to chew on, easy to eat (no preparation), and helps keep the gut moving, just as a start.

Your true genius has shown. Much tastier than tv dinners and I can limit my up and down the stairs.Non refrigerated items should have been common sense for me.

Make sure that the kitty doesn't jump on you and your incision...we have several of the critters, and I know how they like to crawl over us and jump on the most inappropriate areas

Not much control over this one, but just before reading this, he did just that.

I'm sorry, I haven't gone through this myself, but am trying to remember what I liked having around when I went through my last abdominal surgery. Keep posting and don't worry about 'too many questions'. That's what we're here for.

How about gadgets for the shower and/or bath too...rubber mats to make sure you don't slip when you are able to use it, but are still a little unsteady. You can rent stools for sitting while you shower, and handles for the side of the tub, just in case. I'll keep thinking....

Lucky for me, my house is owened by an older lady so there are the handles.The mats, they can be functional and cute. Score!! (BTW, my little kitty just ran over me again)[/QUOTE]

Thank you soo much. I have an associate that just went through it. I talk to him at least once a week to see how he is doing, and he is hating life. I will be having the same Dr. as him and such. However, he did say that everyone else that went to him was doing rather well. I know some say that women handle pain easier (I'm not claiming this is true or untrue), but sometimes he can be a little wimpy. For the time being, I am hoping that claim is true. (No offense to you guys) The part that really scares me is the having to give myself injections. I am deathly afraid of needles. If I stay moving, though, I probably would not need them. Also in his case, he has a wife that loves him more than anything and would do anything to keep him comfortable. I am really starting to worry. He goes back to work in a couple of weeks, but he is still pretty bad. He tells me not to judge the procedure by his outcome, but he is the only one I know that has gone through it.

[symara]

why would you have to give yourself shots?

[Katie]

Heck, I haven't even gotten started yet Most people take these suggestions as nagging, especially Dear Heart!

"why would you have to give yourself shots? " I was about to ask the same thing....I don't know of anyone who had to do this.

I would listen to your associate and not worry about your recovery mirroring his. I don't know why it is, but most of the women I know have come through the surgeries easier than men, and I am no way prejudiced that way. Just reporting the facts

As for the gadgets, our pharmacies (drug stores, etc....I don't know what your term is for that) carry them, as much as Walmart does.

I'll see if I can think of anything else....

[jessmith07]

I had to give myself shots from the day I left from the hospital until the day I left from Paris. They were blood thinner shots to prevent blood clots, and I had to continue them until the latter of a) staying up and active for at least 4 hours per day, or b) until I made the trans-Atlantic flight home. I didn't think I'd be able to give them to myself, and for the first couple of days, Hubby gave them to me...but once he told me that he REALLY didn't like giving them, I sucked it up and gave them to myself. It really wasn't so bad...the needle is really small; I didn't even feel it going in.

As for the stress, up until I finally got to Germany, I was a mess! I had to increase my daily anxiety med dose, and deal as best as I could. I don't think I would have made it without my wonderful husband, and the TONS of support that I got (and still get) from my friends on this site. Now, I'm fine; I went back down to my regular dose of anxiety med, and I haven't had to take Xanax for the accute attacks since before the surgery.

As for the surgery itself, I had it on a Tuesday afternoon. I pretty much slept until Thursday morning, then I woke up, got up, put on my brace and took off. Went for maybe 5-6 small walks that day. Friday, started using the stairs instead of the elevator and made arrangements to leave the hospital 2 days early. Saturday, went for a one mile walk around the hospital. Sunday, checked out of the hospital, and flew to Paris to be with Hubby (who was working). Been going ever since, and have to "force" myself to slow down. Spent a wonderful week in Paris and was even able to get out and see some sites and do some shopping. The only pain I have now, 2 weeks post-op, is muscle pain in my legs and hips (because I'm almost 2 inches taller, and everything is stretched) and my abdomen is a little tender from the incision. ZERO back pain...well, not the same back pain...my muscles will get a little achey if I do too much...but the pre-op pain is completely gone. So far, so GREAT!!!!

Making the decision to have the surgery was only part of the battle...then fighting the "crazies" that get you when things are too quiet, or when you can't sleep in the middle of the night. I have to admit, that the recovery is MUCH easier than the months leading up to the surgery.

Hang in there, and please tell us more about you.

Jess

[Kraze Kat]

The injections have something to do with preventing blood clots. This may be the one time my thin blood will help me. Then again, the German Doctors do have some weird mannerisms. They even tell smokers to NOT QUIT as it will shock their system more. And to think that I had to finally make that decision to be told it is a bad one. I was so proud of myself (though I hadn't fully quit. Still got some nicotine, but no more cigarettes) I will check out some of the Apothecaries here and see what I can find. I just realized that the kitty litter may be a problem. I do have one that automatically scoops it, but it runs off of 110 instead of 220. I suppose I can hook it up to a transformer. Will it be difficult to scoop? I keep it in the bathroom next to my toilet and usually scoop it when using the loo. It makes it alot easier to sit and scoop.
Please nag all you want. If nothing else, it will help me use my brain as it is designed. Even small things are escaping my mind. I just can't wait for the healing to be over.

[Kraze Kat]

Originally Posted by jessmith07

I had to give myself shots from the day I left from the hospital until the day I left from Paris. They were blood thinner shots to prevent blood clots, and I had to continue them until the latter of a) staying up and active for at least 4 hours per day, or b) until I made the trans-Atlantic flight home. I didn't think I'd be able to give them to myself, and for the first couple of days, Hubby gave them to me...but once he told me that he REALLY didn't like giving them, I sucked it up and gave them to myself. It really wasn't so bad...the needle is really small; I didn't even feel it going in.

As for the stress, up until I finally got to Germany, I was a mess! I had to increase my daily anxiety med dose, and deal as best as I could. I don't think I would have made it without my wonderful husband, and the TONS of support that I got (and still get) from my friends on this site. Now, I'm fine; I went back down to my regular dose of anxiety med, and I haven't had to take Xanax for the accute attacks since before the surgery.

As for the surgery itself, I had it on a Tuesday afternoon. I pretty much slept until Thursday morning, then I woke up, got up, put on my brace and took off. Went for maybe 5-6 small walks that day. Friday, started using the stairs instead of the elevator and made arrangements to leave the hospital 2 days early. Saturday, went for a one mile walk around the hospital. Sunday, checked out of the hospital, and flew to Paris to be with Hubby (who was working). Been going ever since, and have to "force" myself to slow down. Spent a wonderful week in Paris and was even able to get out and see some sites and do some shopping. The only pain I have now, 2 weeks post-op, is muscle pain in my legs and hips (because I'm almost 2 inches taller, and everything is stretched) and my abdomen is a little tender from the incision. ZERO back pain...well, not the same back pain...my muscles will get a little achey if I do too much...but the pre-op pain is completely gone. So far, so GREAT!!!!

Making the decision to have the surgery was only part of the battle...then fighting the "crazies" that get you when things are too quiet, or when you can't sleep in the middle of the night. I have to admit, that the recovery is MUCH easier than the months leading up to the surgery.

Hang in there, and please tell us more about you.

Jess

Thanks, that was helpful. (I still hate the needle, though) I still have bruises on my leg where I received them the first time I was hospitalized. I am truly glad that you enjoyed Paris. (I don't know how you could even look at a plane) I drove my friend home and he was about to die after 2 hrs in my comfy car.
As far as the stress, I am already in Germany, so that may help a little (though everything in the states is falling apart). Just last week, my car was stolen from my sister and totaled. And yesterday I was told someone kicked in the door in an attempt to burglarize my home that is currently being rennovated. I am trying to settle all of that while preparing. Not to mention getting odd comments at work (I am a chauffeur) and being critiqued and yelled at anytime I have to go take care of something (though when I am not driving I am sitting around trying to stay awake).

Which brings me to my next question: How difficult is driving?
I currently struggle to even walk (which is very unprofessional) to where my passenger today ordered me to remain in the vehicle rather than open the door for him because he said watching me made him cringe. Loading and unloading his luggage was definately out of the question. Though I will have a recovery period, eventually I will have to return to driving

[jessmith07]

I just got home from Europe Monday, and went driving around, playing Mom's Taxi Service, today. It was fine...I have a big suburban, so it rides really well and has plenty of leg room...the only thing I find painful when driving are speed bumps...I haven't gone out in our little 2-seater convertible yet... but my 15 year-old wants us to take it out, because she thinks we look so "Hot" in it! Lord, help me!

[dshobbies]

K K,

I never heard of giving yourself shots until you, which Jess confirmed. BTW, you shouldn't judge how quickly you will or will not heal by anyone else. We are all very different. This isn't an easy surgery and the healing rates are so varied I don't think anything is a given. Jess is on the very quick end of the spectrum, I fell toward the other end. Three months is a good estimate.

As for driving, sitting may be difficult or not. Again, healing is individual.

You might also consider a raised toilet seat for a couple of months. I was told to use one after all my back surgeries.

You might consider looking on the internet. Buying anything and having it delivered is pretty easy.

Good luck to you, Dale

[jessmith07]

Dale is right...everyone is different, so let me share a little about Jess. I pray that I don't offend anyone or step on anyone's toes, because I would NEVER do that intentionally...ESPECIALLY not here where I've come to think of the members as my second family. My only intention is to share my personality type in the hopes that others may see something similar and relate.

I am a fighter. I thrive on crisis and remain calm on the outside and breakdown when nobody is looking, which many on this site have seen me do in the middle of the night. I DECIDED long before the surgery that I was going to be fine after the surgery. The time period leading UP TO the surgery was stressing me beyond belief, but I knew, and even kept telling Hubby, that once the waiting was over and I was in Germany, I'd be fine, and I was. I had to force Hubby to leave me less than 24 hours after my surgery to return to his office in Paris. I KNEW that HAVING to take care of myself would force me to get up, get moving, and get back to him ASAP. I did prepare for the worst (by bringing plenty of meds, books and clothes), but in my heart, I had decided that I WOULD BE FINE. When I woke up Thursday morning, in pain and on my own, I forced myself out of bed, thinking that there was nobody else to turn to to take care of me (even though Hubby was a phone call & short plane ride away). I won't lie...it hurt, I was scared that my insides would fall out or that I would fall and screw everything up...but I DID it...and I kept pushing myself and keep pushing myself to this day, though I do listen to my body when it tells me I need a day of rest. I guess what I'm trying to say is, for ME, keeping a positive mind set worked for me. Like I said before, the months leading up to the surgery were MUCH worse than the recovery that I've experienced thus far (thus far, being the operative words, as I'm fully aware that there may be good days followed by bad weeks).

Anyway, I was on my own for the most part after the surgery, although knowing I had the love and unyeilding support of Hubby was (and is) priceless, I'm trying to tell you that it can be done. I don't know you or your exact circumstances, but try to focus on "the other side" and how you will manage when you get there. I see you seem to be a very organized and detail oriented person (as am I) and are already putting your "ducks in a row". Stay after it. Start positive thoughts and begin the healing process now, even BEFORE your surgery. Sounds strange, but that's what I did...for me, there was alternative.

I hope this helps. If you go back and look at my pre-op posts vs. my post-op posts, you probably won't believe that I'm the same person. But here I am, 2.5 weeks post-op and doing better and better each day...certainly unbelieveably better than I was 3 weeks ago! I knew that when I woke up the Thursday after my surgery.

If you find the time, please start a thread and tell us more about you and your situation.

Sending you positive thoughts,
Jess

[Katie]

Wow, Jess, you are a very tough broad Many kudos for handling it so well by yourself. I know I could if I had to, but much prefer having my wonderful husband close by. He is my rock.

Having said that, I have gone through an awful lot on my own, and know that most people ARE strong enough. That is, most can get through with the help of those around us....the nurses, doctors, even strangers step up to the plate when needed, I find.

No one is completely alone in this world, as lonely as it seems sometimes. I have spent a lot of time crumpled up in a soggy mess, thinking I was alone and not able to cope. I was always wrong. Sometimes needed some meds from my doctor to cope...but there's no shame in that.

Thanks to all of you for explaining the shots that you give to yourself. It makes total sense, just never experienced it before in that circumstance (the heparin shots for thinning the blood). If you can get a small enough gauge of needle, it will hurt even less Sometimes it is what you are injecting, not the needle itself, that stings the most though. Would pinching the skin where you are injecting help? I give a lot of needles to my horses, and inject behind where I lift the skin, and they don't seem to object so much. I don't know if that description makes much sense though

I've rambled on enough for now...good luck with everything.