Now what do I do? Someone slap me PLEASE!

[kc0iet]

Hi All,

I am new to this forum, but not others. I just posted my story in the surgical outcomes thread a few days ago.

I have managed to keep my chin up and push on, keeping my sanity and fighting depression without anti-depressants. More medication is something that I don't want! I have managed to do this by returning to college. I have pushed myself beyond what anyone thought I could. I have only two more classes before completion of my Bachelor's degree. I am scheduled to graduate Suma Cum Laude (4.0 GPA) in May. This weekend has forced me to realize that I can not finish my two classes. I am in so much pain that I can't do it. I can't complete my studies when I am in this much pain. The combination of Oxycontic, Percacet and Dilaudid at least knocks me out for a few hours but it does not allow me to complete my assignments. Tomorrow, I am going to have to drop my classes.

I am setting her now with two assignments due at midnight. Trying not to take anything else so that I can complete the quizzes but I am in so much pain that my eyes are filled with tears and it's like looking through a water glass! I am on fire, but there is not enough water in the house to put the fire out.

I have been trying for three weeks to get an appointment (with anyone) that might be able to provide me with options, but nothing. I received a post card from the only doctor that I have telling me (with a smiley face) that my films looked good when I would guess that most any of us patients would know better (New Films) .

I have survived since quickly changing from an active, productive member of society to a useless wheelchair bound dependent by having a plan and reaching for a goal but now my plans are crushed and I feel as there is nothing I can do about it.

Now what do I do......... thanks for letting me vent.

[Kathy]

Hang in there, you CAN do this. When you walk or wheel across that stage, you will have earned that degree, even more so than everyone else. You are having to work 10 times harder and then some to get your degree and that makes it even more valuable. I know I want to just quit and roll over and die sometimes, pain sucks. I get the why me's and depressed and mad that this is my life; but then I pick myself up and with a new determination decide to push forward. I can tell from you earlier posts, that you are not a quitter and you will succeed. You have already accomplished so much, while in pain, that you are an example to all of us in pain that it can be done. Praying for God to refresh you and give you renewed stregnth, Kathy

[dshobbies]

Aside from your obvious problems, you also have some swelling going on. Ice can help. I know heat is soothing but ice in numbing. Prior to my first surgery, I used ice more often than not.

You can also try an inversion table for temp relief if you can get your hands on one. Start slow and keep it tethered so you don't do too much too fast.

Also might try a TENS unit but your pain is quite severe. Of course, all of these are temporary fixes but might just reduce your pain to more manageable levels.

I know you've worked hard to get that degree and carrying your grade point average could not have been an easy task but you did it and you can get through this too. Pain sucks and is a great equalizer. Give these a try before dropping those two last classes.

I wish you every luck, Dale

[phylly]

I have been out of town and did not get to read your past post. Are you at a school where they have a med school? Can you go to the school hospital and see a Dr.? Perhaps they can give you some other meds to keep you in check for these last two classes and refer you to a Dr. that can help with the spinal issues. I understand how much pain you are in and how it sucks the life out of you. I hope that you can get some help soon. I really feel for you.
Phylly

[Justin]

kc0iet,

Congrats on maintaining a 4.0!

Before you drop your classes, ask your professors if you can take an "Incomplete" and finish them next term.

Many people have to do this for medical reasons...talk to your Dean of Students, a Student Advisor or the Chair of the department in which you are graduating. I would talk to them ASAP.

I understand how incredibly difficult it is for a spine patient to go through school and do well--a spine surgery in 1997 before college and a car accident in 1999 during college (that required me to take a full semester off, but I came back determined). I had to work twice as hard as everyone else (which I am sure you are doing), but I graduated with a 4.0 GPA in Biology and Chemistry.

YOU CAN DO THIS! Send me a PM if you want to talk about school...I might be able to help.

Keep us posted.

[kc0iet]

Thank you all so much for the replies!

Kathy,
I have read your posts too, how are your doing? Thank you for your kind words, but I just don't know how I CAN do this right now. I have no doubt that I WILL finish my degree at some point, but for now I am afraid I am screwed. I have never given up on anything, but I just don't know how I can possible continue in my current state. WAIT! I just thought of a way! If someone would come and cut me in half, just below the ribs, then they could throw out the pain, then I could continue!

I thank you for your prayers and your reply.

dshobbies,
I assure you I have tried everything I can. Ice does not help the pain, it does cool me down, but that's about it. I have an internal SCS but it causes additional chest and thoracic pain. I have not tried an inversion table in some time. I did get one and it seemed to aggravate things so it is out in the shed. The one thing that sometimes helps is a hot bath, but that will have to wait until my home health aid arrives this evening. Getting me out of bed and into (and out of) the tub is an ordeal all in itself! I always feel like I am imposing when I ask for that service on days when it is not scheduled. My aide is great and I'm sure she will if I ask, but the last couple of times that has caused spasms!

Phylly, I have read your posts. How are you doing? Thanks for the reply!! I am an online student. My classroom is my bed. I live in the middle of nowhere in Missouri, a tiny little town with a population of 297. The nearest hospital is nothing more than a band-aid station. Seriously. Back in 1996 I broke my foot and they did not have the facilities to put on a cast!

Dr. J., 4.0 in Bio-Chem, WOW! Tough major, my hat is off to you, congrats. I contacted the school last week to let them know of my 'medical emergency' and I have heard nothing. Class just started Monday. It is very frustrating, theses last two classes are electives. I already have 132.2 semester credit hours. All requirements for my major and minor have been met EXCEPT the college requirement of 39 UL credit hours with the school. I was hoping that they would waive these last two courses and let me graduate... I am still within the time frame that I can drop the courses with a 'W' and take them later, but not if I am to graduate in May.

I was on track to enter Law School, but there is no way if I don't get my back fixed. I was hoping to make it until May and then have surgery, recovery and still be on track for Law School. But if I don't graduate in May then this could be a problem. But, I suppose my bigger problem is that I don't have a surgeon! Prior to Feb. / March of this year I was able to get up and out in my wheelchair for a few hours (most days). Now I can't even do that.

Quitting has never been in my vocabulary. I am so frustrated! I know there is no way that I can maintain my GPA for these last two courses with my current pain levels.

Thanks Again for all your replies and support!

[Justin]

kc0iet,

Just so you know...I wasn't trying to "toot" my own horn, but give you an example that it can be done--I know you CAN do it!

Are you able to talk to someone in person about your situation? I would do everything you can to avoid "W's" and see if you can get "Incompletes"--they should be willing to do this concerning your situation. If you do get W's, it's not the end of the world (you would just have to repeat the entire course). However, with an Incomplete you would just start off where you left off.

I'm just now reading that you started class last week, so the W's wouldn't be so bad. Definitely talk to someone though--I know they will be sympathetic.

By the way, I am "deteriorating" very fast as of late. I'm think I am going to need surgery really soon. My meds are no longer working, and it's just been very difficult all around.

LAW SCHOOL--I think you should still do it. You sound like a great student and I know your personal statement on applications would be unique to say the least.

Never give up on your dreams!

I'm pulling for you!

PS Even if you have to apply a year later to get things straightened out with your spine, I wouldn't think twice. Good luck with everything!

Originally Posted by kc0iet

Dr. J., 4.0 in Bio-Chem, WOW! Tough major, my hat is off to you, congrats. I contacted the school last week to let them know of my 'medical emergency' and I have heard nothing. Class just started Monday. It is very frustrating, theses last two classes are electives. I already have 132.2 semester credit hours. All requirements for my major and minor have been met EXCEPT the college requirement of 39 UL credit hours with the school. I was hoping that they would waive these last two courses and let me graduate... I am still within the time frame that I can drop the courses with a 'W' and take them later, but not if I am to graduate in May.

I was on track to enter Law School, but there is no way if I don't get my back fixed. I was hoping to make it until May and then have surgery, recovery and still be on track for Law School. But if I don't graduate in May then this could be a problem. But, I suppose my bigger problem is that I don't have a surgeon! Prior to Feb. / March of this year I was able to get up and out in my wheelchair for a few hours (most days). Now I can't even do that.

Quitting has never been in my vocabulary. I am so frustrated! I know there is no way that I can maintain my GPA for these last two courses with my current pain levels.

Thanks Again for all your replies and support!

[Kathy]

I honestly don't know how you have made it this far. It is amazing to me that you have been able to get this far. Don't give up, you can do this. You are obviously a fighter, this will happen.... maybe it will take an extra year; but it will happen.
Unfortunately, our spines are not 'on board' with our time frame and schedules. I really, really, really want another child. I have crazy bad baby fever. I had 'planned' (funny how God laughs at our plans, like we have any control ) to have a 3rd child 2 years after my second child. Which means I would have a 1 year old according to my plan. I am now 3 years out, have agreed to not get pregnant for 2 more years because of the clinical trial; so we will see. It will be at least a 6 year difference in age between the second and hopefully 3rd one. My husband is 37 and will be 40 by the time we could even have a 3rd, not sure he will be on board by then. I just have to trust and have faith in God that His timing is better than mine and His plans for me are way more than I could even begin to dream up. I know it may seem whiny to be complaining, since I already have 2 wonderful children and some people have none. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to get married and be a stay at home mom. When I was 5, I was having 20 kids. Then, I went down to 10 kids by age 12, by 20 it was 5 or 6. When I got married, at 22, it was 4 or 5 kids. Then, I had 1 and said let's take it 1 kid at a time I just can't imagine never holding a newborn of my own again (that I get to keep and take home; not that I don't enjoy holding others babies... I just want to keep them). Anyway, I say all that to say that God has a wonderful plan for your life. Even though it may seem like it will never get better, you will. Also, I would get on anti-depressants. I didn't want to at first; but I feel oh so much better with them. Initally, the Cymbalta got rid of almost all my pain. I was in pt at the time and I think that something they had me do made me worse; because after about 4 weeks of no or little pain, the pain was back with avengeace.
Feel free to vent on us, we have ALL been there and will probably all be there again. It is hard living in pain, it's not fair, and it sucks; but this is the hand we were dealt.
Thanks for asking about how I was doing, I am really good. I am still very tense and stiff; but each day is a little better than the last. I look forward to one day looking back on this as a distant memory. I HAVE learned and grown so much by going through this and honestly, if I had the ability to not go through it and erase it all or not, I would go through it again. My charachter and person have been forever changed by dealing with pain. I am a much more empathetic, patient, loving person, and I have become a fighter, my own advocate, more self-esteem in knowing I can do so much, all because of what I have been through. I am sure everyone on here can think of good that has come out of this. I would love to hear ways that this experience has changed you for the better!
Still praying for you, remember it is ok to cry out to God, it's ok to be mad, talk to Him, he listens and remember....
"If you think I have forgotten you, I haven't" Signed, God
"When the whole world walks out on you, Jesus walks in"
Kathy

[kc0iet]

Thanks Kathy!
You should be a motivational speaker!

I dug out my Lyrica, that I had stopped taking when studying for the LSAT, and it seems to have helped; at least for tonight :- ) I did finish the two asignments that were due at midnight, with two hours to spare!

I guess all any of us can do is take it one day at a time.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I am glad to hear you are doing so well. I can remember when I had my original ADR surgery and for a few months the pain was gone and I was a real person. I continue to pray that my spine can be repaired and I can be rid of my chair and my narcotics.

Thanks Again

[mmglobal]

Wow, KC, I'm so sorry that things have gotten so bad. I hope that you'll find some relief soon. I've had clients who have gotten AMAZING support from their schools. Not only relief from the stress with being able to take finals late and other acommodations, but also counseling that was very helpful too.

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said by others here. I just want to say thank to kc for coming and sharing your story that will help many others. Also, thanks for allowing us the privilege of being able to provide some support and understanding. Thanks to the community for doing what you do... you rock!

Mark

[Justin]

Originally Posted by mmglobal

Wow, KC, I'm so sorry that things have gotten so bad. I hope that you'll find some relief soon. I've had clients who have gotten AMAZING support from their schools. Not only relief from the stress with being able to take finals late and other acommodations, but also counseling that was very helpful too.

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said by others here. I just want to say thank to kc for coming and sharing your story that will help many others. Also, thanks for allowing us the privilege of being able to provide some support and understanding. Thanks to the community for doing what you do... you rock!

Mark

Mark, brings up a very good point. My school has been extremely supportive about my current spine issues. I would look into special accommodations for examinations as well as any other school related support you may need. Your university should have a Disability Services office (I've personally had a very good experience with Disability Services at my school).

Congrats on finishing the assignments with time to spare! What courses are you taking by the way?...just curious. Your chair and narcotics will be a distant memory soon. Keep up the good work, lawyer.

[Terry Allen Blackburn]

Justin brings up an extremely valid issue, your school has an obligation to take care of you, to an extent. They are interested in your success, as you reflect back to them, the quality of education they provided and, that you participated in. They have assistance programs to help you succeed and it sounds like you have to become more assertive. I am ex-military so, when I went to college no one messed with me as, I did not allow it. I had spent three years in the service before my college years. If a professor started giving me some trouble I let them know, under no uncertain terms, that I was paying for their salary. Please do not give up as the goal line is almost there. Continue to call them until someone responds to your concerns.

You sound like an amazing person with a huge future ahead of you. We will support you in this process.

Terry Newton

[phylly]

When I was having so many problems with my prodiscs I knew after many consultations that I really did not want to fuse over them. Half (2) of the doctors wanted to do that and half (2) wanted to remove them and then fuse. They felt that taking them out would give me a better chance of healing. The other surgeons felt that trying to take them out would be life threatening and did not want to try. I knew the surgery was risky but I trusted my surgeon even though he did not have quantity in his favor. I had already gone to the quantity surgeon twice with bad results. I know most others would not have done what I did and I hope that I did the right thing. Now at almost 7 weeks post fusion and can do more with less pain than the past two years. I am early in the process but feel good and my back hardly hurts unless I am on my feet standing still for hours. I still have some leg pain but not as severe as before. I have been able to sit in the car for an hour and just went away for the weekend for the first time in ages.

I hope that you are able to travel to see someone who can help you. It is not right that you are spending your life in bed and in so much pain. If you have a non-union fusion perhaps you can still take the discs out??? I hope that you can get some answers.
Phylly

[kc0iet]

I did try to contact the school again. This time I sent an email to the ADA person. I have heard NOTHING! Nothing from the school, nothing from the doctors, NOTHING!

I am willing to travel, but unfortunately I do not have any way to come up with the needed funds for Dr. B (never can spell or say his name!) in Germany. I am now on Medicare and Medicaid, but that is about it. Missouri now makes you pay for Medicaid! My spenddown was just raised to $108 per month. Apparently my $904 a month is too much money! But I guess the good news is I just got a letter that my food stamps are being increased to $14 per month! WHOOP EEE! I have one credit card left that I can use for this, but there is not enough to pay Dr. B

The Lyrica has helped the pain, but combined with everything else I am really drowsy and loopy. My vision is blurry too. I was trying to read my assignments in the text but it is just a blur.

Oh, forgot to mention. The staff at the school have never met me. I am an online student. The campus is approximately 90 miles from here.

Phylly, I am so glad to hear that you are doing well. That is FANTASTIC! I am sincerely happy for you! I was looking at Dr. B's website last night. Just makes me want to cry that I don't have a rich uncle or something that would give me the money to go to him and let him fix my back, without loosing the motion in my back. He offers so many solutions that are not available here...

I have been trying all day to work on my school work, and I have not managed to complete on single thing!

Well, I hope this makes scene, I am kind of out of it today.

Thank you all again for your support. It is appreciated.

[Terry Allen Blackburn]

I'm glad the Lyrica is helping for you. I found it to be a wonder drug and was on it for almost a year and a half and got up to 400 mg per day. It helped a great deal. The fact that you are an online student should not matter. You are still paying hard earned money that they are accepting to provide you with an education. I would keep calling up the ranks until you get someone to speak to you. Please keep us informed.

Terry Newton

[Jakea222]

Hey I know pain too...and think that you need to try to make yourself go get some face time with the school. I know pain myself right now - I literally am almost at a scream pain all day (chef). I have lyrica too. It makes me a little tired so I am taking 150mg at night along with some other meds. But you need to get face to face - docs are hard to get in touch with but harass them. Get on a first name basis with the "other end" of the phone. My wife is a FNP and runs a private group pracitice so she says it takes a day sometimes to get feedback - BUT as bad as you are - you need to do something - I am - and let me tell you it is tough emotionally - my brain is tired of hurting all of the time - this site is wonderful for people just like you...good luck

[Cindylou]

I agree with Jakea222. You do need face time. You also need face time with your school. Is there anyway you can get there in person to plead your case? They can't ignore you if you are right there staring them down. Don't give up. You are so close to the finish line. Tell yourself you are in the race of your life, and you will finish, over and over again. Make it your mantra. Plaster it everywhere in your house so visually you have reminders too. We want to help. Lean on us as you reach your goals!

Cindylou

[kc0iet]

Just wanted to post an update.

I think I remember that someone asked me if it was possible to go to the school in person. Well, no not really. It is approximately 100 miles one way and by the time I got there and went through the go here, go there, go somewhere else, I would be in so much pain that I wouldn't be able to present my case and would still have to drive the 100 miles home.

HOWEVER, I have been presenting my case via email and facsimile up the chain all week. I don't remember if I posted that I had requested a waiver of the institutional requirement that would allow me to drop the two elective courses that stand between me and graduation. With much persistence, presenting my request all the way to the Executive Dean of Academic Affairs... (drum roll please) my waiver was approved!!

I feel like half of the weight has been taken off of my shoulders! This means that I have completed my Bachelors Degree! The disadvantage is that I will not get the Suma Cum Laude recognition (just short of the institutional credit hours requirement), but I have completed my undergraduate studies with a 4.0 GPA - 132.2 semester credit hours!

Now I can truly focus on my health and getting my back fixed so that I can continue with my goal of obtaining my Doctorate in Law. It seems like it has been a long time since I have had good new to share so I thought I would pass it along.

[treefrog]

Congratulations!! That is indeed good news. Thanks for sharing it with us.

[dshobbies]

Accomplishing anything while in great pain is difficult enough but graduating with a 4.0 is a magical feat. Much congrats. You've earned it and deserve it.

You have a lot to be proud of. Dale

[Justin]

Awesome news on the waiver! That is summa cum laude in my book!

Undergrad: Check
Doctorate in Law: In-progress

Now, you get to focus on your health--what a relief. Well done.

[Kathy]

Congratulations!

[Terry Allen Blackburn]

Great news. I told you that you needed to be persistent as that is what gets the answers. I can only hope that you can get the much needed treatment to get your spinal situation taken care of to continue pursuing the rest of your goals. Hang in there. I am really happy for you and, congratulations.

Terry Newton

[Cindylou]

There you go! I knew you had it in you! Big congrats!

Cindylou