todays funny

[chasswen]

Loving husband Mark was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work.
When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked
out the window, and sure enough, there was a small
gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and took the box into the house. She opened it,
and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet able to have visitors.

[mmglobal]

THE SENATOR

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher
up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then
you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in
the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front o f it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before
he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours hav e gone
by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:"Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted..."

[chasswen]

hahah
that was cute mark
chuck

[mmglobal]

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar. (Tonight Show/Jack Paar)
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

[dshobbies]

Too true and a little sad. At least we can laugh at ourselves. I'm also throwing my 2 cents into the pot. My son sent this to me while in Iraq (not relevant but I thought I'd mention it) and I thought it so funny, it's one of the few things I've kept. Please enjoy!


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it's compressed) or some variant.

One student however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressue in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure of Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
the account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God!"

The student received the only 'A'.

[chasswen]

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.

[mmglobal]

Writing The Blues - A Starter Kit

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broke-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Dillard's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you sleep in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make-Your-Own-Blues-Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore.

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.

[ans]

Great stuff; keep it up.

[mmglobal]

5 questions most feared by men:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. "Oh Yeah, loads."
b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
c. "That depends on what you mean by love."
d. "Does it matter?"
e. "Who, me?"

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. "Compared to what?"
b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin."
c. "A little extra weight looks good on you."
d. "I've seen fatter"
e. "Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. "Yes, but you have a better personality"
b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner"
c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age"
d. "Define pretty"
e. "Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: "Would you get married again?"
MAN: "Definitely not!"
WOMAN: "Why not, don't you like being married?"
MAN: "Of course I do."
WOMAN: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
MAN: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WOMAN: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
MAN: "Where else would we sleep?"
WOMAN: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?"
MAN: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WOMAN: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"
MAN: "She can't use them; she's left-handed."
WOMAN: - - - - - - -silence - - - - - - - -
MAN: "Damn."

[chasswen]

This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast.

[Jim M2]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Christopher. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase ... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[chasswen]

http://www.glumbert.com/media/telemarketer
hahaha
chuck

[dshobbies]

Thanks people. I've been waiting for my morning cheer. Most of my jokes are slightly 'off color' but I'll contribute when I can.

Keep them coming!
Dale

[Jim M2]

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think
is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English..
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[dshobbies]

A duck walked into a pharmacy and said,
"Can I please have some chapstick, and put it on my bill."

[mmglobal]

A 3-legged dog walks into the saloon and said,

"I'm look'n for the man that shot my paw!"

[chasswen]

DADDY CALLING HOME.

((RING)))

((RING))))

**Pick Up** "Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

** Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
&nb sp;
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she

isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

**Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this tel: 486-5731??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[mmglobal]

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die

#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where
thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should
put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[dshobbies]

This could also fall under famous quotes, depending of who you consider famous...

"When was I born, AM or FM?"

My son

[dshobbies]

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[chasswen]

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before.
As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go head and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband
was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for
50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

[chasswen]

I especially love the last line of this .......
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR ...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's
not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather My whitewalls are
stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
Inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires !

[mmglobal]

I can't vouch for any of these numbers.... but I wouldn't be surprised...

NBA OR NFL?


36

have been accused of spousal abuse




7

have been arrested for fraud




19

have been accused of writing bad checks




117

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses




3

have done time for assault




71,

repeat 71

cannot

get a credit card due to bad credit




14

have been arrested on drug-related charges




8

have been arrested for shoplifting




21

currently

are defendants in lawsuits, and




84

have been arrested for drunk driving

in the last year

(I don't believe this one... MM)




Can

you guess which organization this is?











NBA or NFL ?









Give

up yet? . . . Scroll down,

























Neither,

it's the 535 members of the

United States Congress.





The same group that cranks out

hundreds of new laws each year

designed to keep the rest of us in line.




AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES $15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE
AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!!

[dshobbies]

Sorry Mark but that's not funny! It's pathetic but don't get me started.

[mmglobal]

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand."

"No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

[dshobbies]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What

setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...



A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding

anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that

because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....immediately he

turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

[mmglobal]

After giving birth to a baby, the doctor comes to the mothers bedside and says; "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of both male and female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

(sorry guys)

[chasswen]

Tough Gettin' Old

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open"..

[chasswen]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother
tells him no breakfast till the chores are done. Well, he's a little
pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he
kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl
of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, grumpy, and kicks
the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[mmglobal]

Writing The Blues - A Starter Kit




1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this morning..."


2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."


3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."


4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broke-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.


6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.


8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.


9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Dillard's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses


11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you sleep in it.


12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund


13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.


14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:


a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast


15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.


16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling


17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie


18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.


19. Make-Your-Own-Blues-Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore.


20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.

[ans]

Yeah!

[dshobbies]

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?'

Al replies, "Well, I believe that I won the election but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says, "Very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven my son. Come and sit at my right."

Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

She quickly replies, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

[mmglobal]

Nice one Dale... reminds me......

What's the difference between God and a neurosurgeon.....

.

.

.

..... God doesn't think he's a neurosurgeon!

[chasswen]

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd
pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing
it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a
couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato
sacks.
Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hol d your arms straight for more than a
full minute.
(I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

[mmglobal]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace". The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."

[dshobbies]

A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in
bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose
ALL your friends".

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a
brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
What's the difference between stress, tension and
panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
And Panic is when both are pregnant.


A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies:
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are
customer complaints".


A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference
between confident and confidential.
Dad says:
"You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son, but that's
confidential!"

[Alastair]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
>faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
>
>One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
>discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
>rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
>The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
>bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
>bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
>
>Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
>terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
>leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
>
>
>Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
>protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
>heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
>must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
>The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
>monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
>canine!
>
>Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
>and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
>
>"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
>leopard!
>
>Moral of this story....
>
>
>Don't mess with old fa**s...age and treachery will always overcome youth
>and
>skill! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[chasswen]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"
Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.
Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...

[Jim M2]

http://www.youtube.com/results?searc...&search=Search

[mmglobal]

A 2007 study by Clemson University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!

[dshobbies]

(You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.)

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend, sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!? shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..." What did Eve say to Adam after they had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

[chasswen]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully , "Yo u 're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[chasswen]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's& nbsp;neighbors were
Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating
meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's ;neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born
a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[chasswen]

The Photo on the Night Stand



After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[dshobbies]

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

[dshobbies]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again
the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they
went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied,

South Carolina,"

Really"? she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are
certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[chasswen]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
&am p;nb sp; "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

[chasswen]

THE KNOB

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well then I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....."

[dshobbies]

It's been awhile since I heard this so I'll try to do this justice.

A husband and wife, while eating breakfast, were discussing who would be their respective fantasy 'freebies'.

The wife kept fascilating between Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt. She talked incessantly, comparing looks, builds, supposed prowesses. She'd close her eyes, then roll eyes, sighing all the while.

Her husband barely put his paper down, tuning her out for the most part. When finally deciding on George Clooney, she asked, "So tell me sweetie, whose your freebie?"

Without missing a beat or putting his paper down, he quickly answered, "Your manicurist!"

[chasswen]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every

year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and
fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word,
it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

[Alastair]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.



10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
__________________

[dshobbies]

19's great!

[Alastair]

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

[chasswen]

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

"You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

[mmglobal]

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers. "

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!

[Alastair]

Psychiatric hotline - RING RING RING -

“Welcome to Psychiatric hotline… If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly… If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multi-personalities, please press 3,4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want – just stay on the line so that we can trace the call…
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press…. If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.”

[Alastair]

THE BLIND MAN


While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great t*ts, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

[Alastair]

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'

[Alastair]

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

[Alastair]

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

[mmglobal]

An engineering masterpiece....

[dshobbies]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[dshobbies]

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap;
it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!
(At least, I was...)


Compared with Gasoline......


Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .. $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15............ $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .............$84.48 per gallon

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source.

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)


Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................
(you won't believe it....but it is true........)
$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)


So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!


Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

[dshobbies]

A recently widowed lady was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[dshobbies]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

[chasswen]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good
man, and
they would have married him anyway.

[mmglobal]

Posted for Dale...

This table was for sale on eBay.





How can you tell this table is being sold by a man? And don't cheat either!!




It's not hard to tell!!




How can you tell it is being sold by a man?
Can you solve this little riddle?



First look and guess.



You will find the answer below, but don't cheat!



Know the answer? If not, scroll down now.....

















OK, Look in the mirror.



Remember, if you are posting a picture on the world-wide web, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture.

[Alastair]

THE TURKEY AND THE BULL


A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[chasswen]

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for
evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time
for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has
been an error that needs adjusting?"
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perf ectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say,
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

[chasswen]

A woman meets a man in a bar.





They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.





She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is



completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the
bedroom,



with hundreds and hundreds of cute,



cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!



It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them



and she was immediately touched



by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,



medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,



and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.





She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy



to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,



She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.



but doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,



after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,



"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?"




She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips



He responds warmly.



They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,



and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom



where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.



She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,



more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.



After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,



they are lying there together in
the afterglow.



The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,



"Well,how was it?"



The guy gently smiles at her,



strokes her cheek,



looks deeply into her eyes,



and says:

"Help yourself to any prize



from the middle shelf."

[chasswen]

Subject: THEY WALK AMONG US! (LOL)









I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane ...............
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free"
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."



...............They Walk Among Us!



My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!



They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................they VOTE!

[chasswen]

Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching
the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them
was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the
forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and
he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the
chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting
enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst
of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

[mmglobal]

Two priests stayed out too late one night and they'd had more than just a few drinks. Upon returning to the rectory, they discovered all the gates locked.

"No problem", said the first priest. I'll give you a boost up that tree, you can shimmy across the branch over the fence, drop on the other side and open the gate from the inside.

As the second priest was looking down from the tree branch, he grew a little nostalgic. "Kind of makes you feel like a little boy", he said.

The other replied, "Yeah, but where are we going to find one at this time of night!"

[chasswen]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can
have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy
Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[dshobbies]

I hope this link works...
SimonSaysGame.wmv

It's a smile generator!!

Nope, I guess not. Well if any of you can figure out how to open this in Windows media player or any other application, it's worth looking at.

All my best, Dale

[Alastair]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[chasswen]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[dshobbies]

THIS IS A LAWYER TO LOVE!

Only in Louisiana - you have to love this lawyer.
- It's too good not to share!

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house
in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be
granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being
offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which
took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information
to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):
''Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented
the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the
title back to its origin.''


Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual Letter):
“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA Bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the Year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?''



He got the loan.

[dshobbies]

Dorothy and Zelda, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice Hymie Cohen asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Zelda: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M.,
dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me Downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and All. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are Coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he Tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Zelda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying,
wear a shmata"

[chasswen]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[dshobbies]

The Italian man said, “Last week my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil and we made passionate love. She screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The Jewish man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat) and she screamed for over six hours.”

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

“I wiped my hands on the bedspread!”

[chasswen]

Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would
not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money
is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it in&nb sp;the bookkeeper's temple and
says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill
you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger.'

[chasswen]

A doctor buys a new Ferrari GT the most expensive car in the world,
and it costs $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a scooter, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GT. It cost half a million dollars!"
That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor
proudly The scooter driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his scooter, the old man says, "
That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my scooter!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds,
the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor
asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the scooter!!
Amazed that the scooter could pass his Ferrari, he again passes the
scooter at 210 mph

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
old man gaining on him AGAIN.
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the scooter bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the scooter plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is
still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:
"Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[chasswen]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's Minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got
caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn a nd
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow e had met on
the
ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, Buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

[chasswen]

Two ways to look at everything ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

... So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

[Alastair]

Two female blond cops were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[chasswen]

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms ".

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

[chasswen]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????



Can you cry under water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What disease did cured ham actually have?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

[mmglobal]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

[mmglobal]

At first I thought that this joke was too risquee for the forum, but since it's about healthcare, I think it's OK here:

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
could easily rupture.

' Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in
bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health insurance!'

[mmglobal]

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears...



Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your fears...



Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile....



But fart just one time....

[chasswen]

Last night, my wife Jan and I were sitting



in the living room and I said to her,


"I never want to live in a vegetative state,


dependent on some machine and


fluids from a bottle.


If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then


threw out my beer.



She's Such A B!tch......

[chasswen]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. & nbsp;You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen..

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[mmglobal]

Would you take this job?


POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings, weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on-call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard is not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute; and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

[chasswen]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in
a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones:
Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the
sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council,
they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs
down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a
chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[chasswen]

"OLD" IS WHEN Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of a lady’s face.

"OLD" IS WHEN You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN You are not sure these are really jokes.

[chasswen]

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me

from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies

everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats

on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six

years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he

does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the

breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the

bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't

even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't

need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from

New York running for President of the United States. Act

like one.

[mmglobal]

Best T-shirts of the Summer

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...

I Just Can't Remember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,

Seeks Frog

13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party

(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31) In America, Anyone Can Be President.

That's One of the Risks You Take.

32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

[chasswen]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[chasswen]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

He set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to g o ahead and kick it up a no tch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 pe rcent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine . The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and as amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.