todays funny

[chasswen]

Rubber Gloves
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made".
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

[mmglobal]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, three bottles of Amstel Light, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahula, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel!

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

[chasswen]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped
yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

“I'm neither blind nor stupid”, replied the greeter. “I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day!”

[mmglobal]

I've seen various iterationsof this through the years... always worth the read....


****************************************

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[mmglobal]

[dshobbies]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

Gene and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
"large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had
the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head
and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger
than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.

We haven't used Sears repair since.
________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore."

From Kingman , KS
________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered
a taco. She asked the person be hind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !
____________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied,
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
____ ___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what
the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She
was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
_______________________________ ________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her own life couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
________________________________________________
STAY ALERT! They walk among us and they REPRODUCE!!

[chasswen]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he
told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, 'Honey, you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,' he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...'

[chasswen]

I took my uncle to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My uncle kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my uncle, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.... I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[dshobbies]

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these 4 men don't know each other.

[mmglobal]

THE HAIRDRYER

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."Next!

[chasswen]

There will be no nativity scene in the United
State Congress, this year! The Supreme Court has
ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the
United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they

simply have not been able to find three wise men and
a virgin in the nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses
to fill the stable.

[mmglobal]

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_H...s/2041059#VT=1

[chasswen]

Guys,
Christmas is around the corner. Read this just in case you were considering
jewelry for the little woman.
Peggy

************************************************


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fricking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Dumb ass...

[dshobbies]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.

[chasswen]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
approached Lena .

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[chasswen]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open
his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber
goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting
for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when
the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming
More Successful.

"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and
leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[chasswen]

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[chasswen]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men.

'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
'Pillsbury-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[chasswen]

BUBBA AND THE WALMART TEST


An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied,

"A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; It's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."


"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.


"And now you sir?" he asked the second man


"Hmm. Let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A blink of an eye is the fastest thing I can think of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's very good."


He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.


Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light, "he said.


Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,


I had already shit in my pants."


Old Bubba is now the new Team Leader at

The Walmart near you!!

[chasswen]

This week we celebrate a special birthday !
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

[chasswen]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"


He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.


He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."


She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"


As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.


"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard ," he says.


She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.


The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."


The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"


He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[mmglobal]

[chasswen]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have

mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us

In jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of

her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well

now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[chasswen]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the
display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'
The amazed father asks: 'You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends.

[dshobbies]

WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with
nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning
of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring
on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying Screw YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3. If the
man replies with "ok", refer to #8.

[chasswen]

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the
principal. The principal to ld Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal
and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a que stion?

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[chasswen]

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said; 'We were the first in space!' The American said; 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said; 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun; you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied; 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream .
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was play ing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A BLONDE WITH DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[chasswen]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[chasswen]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I cant wear your trousers." she said.

"Thats right, said the husband, "and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and thats the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes." =

[chasswen]

For all of you in education, with sons,
grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult
words are often taken literally......

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back
to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him
to go down to the principal's office, and to telephone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly,
there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only
to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought
I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that
if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school.'

[mmglobal]

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,"But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into oldslacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with atrembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter knew her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm four to six."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked." Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child." No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

[chasswen]

Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


Remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.

[chasswen]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[chasswen]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as
she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite
sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the
problem
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal
test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about
her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand
about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking
tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on
until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40
feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks,
'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen,
about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

about 20 feet from wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10
feet away. 'Honey,
what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's
for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'Ralph, for the FIFTH F*ing' time, it's CHICKEN!!!!'

[dshobbies]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jaco b: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[dshobbies]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[mmglobal]

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

[mmglobal]

In the Beginning


In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit,"
and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

[chasswen]

This morning on theInterstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac


Doing 65 mph


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;
I dropped




My electric shaver,


Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car


Using my knees against

The steering wheel,


It knocked

My cellphone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs,


Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,


Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call.


Damn Women Drivers!!!

[chasswen]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he

Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, "We Shall Gather at the River."

[mmglobal]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second Angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the Angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in
Decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help
Them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?



>

>

>

>

>

>

Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.

[mmglobal]

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back

On the table and take out the garbage first.



But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

If this isn't you... don't laugh... your day is coming!

[chasswen]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

[mmglobal]

How Cool Were You In High School?

This is a pretty cool test, check it out. (It worked for mmglobal!)

This test is based on how cool you were in High School--what crowd you ran with, etc., it's pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE A COOL PERSON:

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/genera.../cool_test.htm

[mmglobal]

Got this one today... interesting...

How smart is Your Right Foot?

Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!

'Hope you find the manouevre interesting.

[dshobbies]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the synagogue," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the rabbi under the bed."

[mmglobal]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2007
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

********************* ******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
************************************************** ***

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
************************************************** ***

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 05, 2007
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[chasswen]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing, such was his fate in hell.
'No', OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was George Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder . I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said.....

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.

[chasswen]

My dear friend sent this & I just couldn't resist the temptation to pass it on. I fine a little humor helps to lighten these trying times.

President George Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate.


It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00
tax rebate because of various budget problems.


Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart , all the money will go to China ,


if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India .


If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs .....and none
of these scenarios will help the American economy.


We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to keep
that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on
prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses
still left in the U.S.


I'm Elliot Spitzer and I approve of this message.

[mmglobal]

Years ago... the joke with Clinton circulated, but instead of OJ, it was Ken Star.

From the same era:

After they'd been in the White House for a few months, Bill and Hillary snuck out to go for a drive on their own. Needing gas, they pull over. Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. After filling the tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised to see her talking animatedly with the gas station attendant. Stunned, he watches as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss on each cheek.

"What was that all about?" Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car. "Oh," explains Hillary, "I went to high school with that guy. In fact, I think I even dated him at one time. We were catching up on old times."

"Well," observes Bill, "I guess if you had married him, you'd be pumping gas today!"

"Oh no, Bill," says Hillary, "if I had married him, he'd be President!"

[dshobbies]

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[mmglobal]

An 92-year-old gentlemen, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

[chasswen]

DOG's DIARY :

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT's DIARY :

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of t he event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.

He is obviously retarded.

[chasswen]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Now what were you thinking???

[chasswen]

Which hole am I on ??

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So
you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on
the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.

I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

[chasswen]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Francis.
Our prayers have been answered!'

[mmglobal]

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my
back yard and having a vodka and cranberry with lime along with a conversation
with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they
have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for
your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is
a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question,
so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I
here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart
and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more,
Senor, but for now, I must finish your lawn.

[chasswen]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag

The man reaches into the bag, pulls out a little man, about 10"
high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and
pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He
reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at
the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?", says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls
out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub
it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... just one wish.. each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled
with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks."

"No kidding!!", says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?!"

[mmglobal]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's
sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover
of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the
back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!!
________________________________

WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?'
I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she
fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
________________________________

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'SPERSPECTIVE):
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper
thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

________________________________

MARRIAGE SEMINAR: While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It
is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite
flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

________________________________

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS: A man walks
into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl
notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir,
I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers,
'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to
get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does
she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

________________________________

WIFE VS. HUSBAND: A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


________________________________

WORDS: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
'What?'

________________________________

CREATION: A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can
be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife
responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!

________________________________

WHO DOES WHAT? A man and his wife were having an argument about
who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should
do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as
long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of
cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do
it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the
coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she
fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

________________________________

The Silent Treatment: A man and his wife were having some problems
at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would
find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is
5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

________________________________

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece
________________________________

[chasswen]

A husband and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.

[chasswen]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; bec ause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to d o some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!'

[mmglobal]

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?

7. Why does 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already there?

10. Why are they called 'stands' when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'af ter light'?

12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

15. Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do w e wash b ath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do they call them 'Apartments?' Shouldn't they be 'Togethers?'

[mmglobal]

THE WEDDING

I am a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I have been happily dating for over a year - and so we've decided to take the next step and get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It is her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes braless. She regularly bends down when she's near me. The view is always compelling . I'm thinking it has to be deliberate because she never does it when she's near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She's all alone when I arrive and whispers she has feelings and desires for me she can no longer overcome. She tells me she wants me just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I'm in total shock and can't say a word. Then she says, 'I'm going upstai rs to my bedroom. If you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I am, needless to say, stunned and frozen in shock as I watch that wholesome hardbody climb the stairs.

I stand there for a moment, then turn and make a beeline straight to the front door. I open the door and head straight for my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family is standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugs me and says, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[chasswen]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age,
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his
study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. When he
comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the
bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be
okay, too. But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that wou ld be. And worst of all, if he picks up that
magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered
the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the
silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for
Congress."

[chasswen]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.




An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This
continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who
the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that
almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to
his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying t o catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[mmglobal]

I got gas today. It's been a pet peeve of mine for a couple of years that the $75 authorization on my debit card would not fill up my tank.

Today, while the gas was pumping, I asked the clerk how much the pre-authrization was for. "$99 was her reply."

That's great.... they increased it... but it still won't fill my tank. $4.39 for regular at the discount stations.... pretty sad.

Mark

PS... sorry to post this in the joke thread... it seemed like a good idea at the time... now it doesn't seem funny at all.

[chasswen]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He
wanted to plant
his annual tomto garden, but it was very
difficult work, as the
ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was
in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament:
Dear VincentI am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I
won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
here my troubles would be over..
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for
me, like in the old days..
Love,
Papa

....... A few days later he received a letter
from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden!!!! That's where the
bodies are buried!!!!!
Love,
Vinnie

.........At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents
and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

.........That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the
best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[chasswen]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.


He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.


Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace . "I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.
"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it
Hanging out of your pajamas?"

You've gotta love this .)

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

[chasswen]

The
Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local paper headline
read:



BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.





The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.



The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The mora l of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery .. .
even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!

[dshobbies]

At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy." At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked: "Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?"

The General answered both questions in the affirmative.

The officer asked: "Who will be the enemy?"

The General: "All indications point to China."

All the audience was shocked. The officer asked: "General, we are only 150 million, there are 1500 million Chinese. Can we win at all?"

The General: "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause the officer asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"

[chasswen]

George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greate st day of your life . . Youbecome 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, youREACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE itto 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a li ttle kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.


And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

[chasswen]

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing . And the traditional caps, they looked almost ... As grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears. This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation. A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened. All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!! The student on stage.. Simply looked at the audience and said, 'GOD BLESS YOU, Each and every one of you!' And he walked off stage... The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval. Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your friends.........and GOD BLESS YOU!!!! This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland

[chasswen]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box from him and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn!

[chasswen]

The #2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too
cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was
sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mar y Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

[chasswen]

A wife was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P.....

E.....

N.....

I....

S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[chasswen]

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5.
It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy.
Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal.
And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the
Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge.
It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter?
What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

[chasswen]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

[mmglobal]

Tools explained by an engineer:


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[mmglobal]

Cell phones - 'New Law'

In California, we are no longer allowed to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a 'hands free' adapter, effective July 1, 2008.

I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.008 each because he bought in quantity.

Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look--it will certainly save some money.

Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

[ans]

Great!!

You got me.

[chasswen]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, ' Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[chasswen]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'


'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?'
asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'



Git 'er dun!!!!!!!!!

[chasswen]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he
suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of
those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers,
'Which one do you mean, sir?
We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks:
'It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Harley, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and...one of Ken's Friends.

[mmglobal]

New Barbies
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully.

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do"

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self."

[chasswen]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[dshobbies]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes - just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?"

"Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra po ints toward
employment," and then asks, "are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100% . . .an IED exploded near me and

blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at

10:00 AM and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,

why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"

"This is a federal government job", the inter viewer says.

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and

scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[mmglobal]

FUNNY FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER . . .


Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q.. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q.. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q.. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q.. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q.. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q.. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[chasswen]

Eve's side of the story...

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going? inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fixit up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off.

The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from apart of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless boob?'

[dshobbies]

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one
warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of
us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling
from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back
seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those
of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come
to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the
bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and
then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6
years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the
report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,
'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front of the station. As I gathered my
equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a
little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied puzzled. The boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old
daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly
intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never
believe this!'

8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that
nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son
and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for
the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and
into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my
funeral!)


9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the
boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think
it's Adam's underwear!'

[chasswen]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you
charge for DA hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Immigrant Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind
of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they
finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was
expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what
exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

[chasswen]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'when did you graduate?' i asked.

He answered , 'in 1967. Why do you ask?'

'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked.

'what did you teach?'

[dshobbies]

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.



The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

[chasswen]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good

manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am

sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it' s still not very nice to say

the word bathroom at the dinner table.
'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain

for once and show us your good manners?''

I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?

I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to

introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

[dshobbies]

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap, you will receive a bucket full of shit.

[dshobbies]

Not really funny but...

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

[dshobbies]

Forgive me but at least you'll smile!

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife..

"Yes!" he replied.

!

"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"

[chasswen]

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.***

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.'***

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.'***

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'.***

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again walked away.***

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'***

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'

[chasswen]

OK.....here's a plan I could live with.


I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve
It Divide nd.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S.
Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.
So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.


Of course, it would NOT be tax free.

So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.

That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

A husband and wife team has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.

Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads

Put away money for college - it'll be there

Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

Buy a new car - create jobs

Invest in the market - capital drives growth

Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves

Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who
lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting
back. And, of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of
trickling out a puny $1000.00 ('vote buy') economic incentive that is being
proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S
Citizen 18+!

As for AIG - liquidate it.

Sell off its parts.

Let American General go back to being American General.

Sell off the real estate.

Let the private sector bargai n hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.

Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

We Deserve It Dividend more than do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.


And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5
Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,

Birk

T. J. Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy &Citizen of the Republic


PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

incerely,
Bob

[dshobbies]

Isn't too bad common sense is ignored more often than not?!

[chasswen]

TWO STORIES BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!!!!

STORY NUMBER ONE


Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago .. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie.' He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong.. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.

He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al 'Scarface' Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great..

So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street

But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

'The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop - at late or early hour.. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.'


STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.

He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942 , and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of
this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was 'Easy Eddie's' son.

(Pretty cool, huh?)