Chronic Pain and family that dont give a rats

[Hooch]

Anyone else had to deal with this?

I am 3 months post op hybrid fusion/adr, and consider myself very very fortunate to be rid of that geuninely disabling pain.

About me: had pain for 5 years, 3 years had severe pain with times of just agony. I worked through it and didn't miss a day. It wasn't a work injury, no access to insurace, didn't want to curl up into a ball and die, never really complained, worked constantly at trying to rehab myself.

Eventually it became over the top, lost a lot of function due to unmanageable pain, was in a failed medical system that part of the country, went down the eastern seaboard to family base so i could access surgeons. With a lot of knockbacks and to and froing I got it done. Of course it sent me broke and terminated a career.


When I arrived down here I couldnt stay with my Mum due to an alcoholic brother, ended up in motels and friends of the family. Had to use my old mans money, which we had a verbal agreement on. He ended up hanging up on me a week post op, telling me to 'have a nice life', then has basically refused my calls. Finally got the bastard on the phone a couple months later after sending him some very bloody nasty emails, and he yelled at me over and over for 20min that I'm mentally ill etc etc. Which is all ok with me, i've been through worse, in that it clears things up for where the miserable selfish prick stands and is quite clear he will only tear me down and wants to look the other way and not be disturbed by any suffering i endure. He's been forgiven a lot over the years and offered new chances, but now there is just no point.. im quite sure he is emotionally damaged by whatever he went through in his time. Doesn't excuse the bahaviour tho, and I will move to protect myself and my future.

I was really bad pre-op. At 28, broke, unemployable, partially disabled, no where to stay and no way out of the hole. Id suffered a long condition in my early 20's which took me a good 4-5 years to beat, and was back in a deeper hole through no fault of my own. If I didn't see improvement from the op, or some other way of basically having some normal function and becoming employable somehow, I was pretty well exhausted and knew a quiet rock where I was going to go and cash my chips and just spare myself all this suffering and stigma.. i cant stand the stigma and people looking down at you or pitying you.


Anyway I'm not really after sympathy, as I'm not a sympathetic person and im no angel. I just wonder has anyone struggled deeply with this sort of thing? I just feel gutted and empty and like I just want to go off somewhere quiet and safe and recover. I've been through this before and it did take me years to come back. I think it will be hopefully quicker this time as Ive trod this path before and am no stranger to building myself back up from broken pieces.. but crikey.. like in a book i read (cry of the damaged man) it can take an eternity for the hollowness to heal.


Does anyone know what im talking about or am I alone on this one?

[Hooch]

Oh well just figured it out. Had my old man saying I lost friends because of my bad attitude and if he had chronic pain like I had and lost his jobs and function and had to move state it wouldn't happen to him.

Delusional loser, frankly. Clueless and proud of it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one has who had close family members try and tear them down when they are vulnerable.. awful and so unecessary. Just really unjustifiable and i dont understand it. I guess u can only call these people for the degenerate grubs they are and **** them right off.

Never thought I'd face a battle on the homefront, but there u go.

[jsewell]

My brother kept telling me before my cervical osteotomy that i needed to buy an inversion table and that would solve my problem. Well i had a broken neck, glad i didn't take his advice.
now they all , my family, keep bugging me to get disability money. I keep telling them i was a teacher and we don't pay into disability and i do not have enough credits to claim it. Yet they keep telling me i am wrong!!!
family can be a pain

[dshobbies]

Hooch,

Have you even noticed how often friends and family abandon those who are in need? Also, have you ever notice how those in need can often be insensitive to the world around them? While I don’t believe these two things go hand in hand, our emotions and protecting them may be a primary cause, as well as unadulterated jerks who care about nothing but themselves.

Though I never really considered myself a jerk, or worse, a happenstance changed me forever, decades before my back became problematic. I was in a lady’s room, washing my hands with my back to the door. A woman walked in asking if there was a handicap stall. My response was curt and rude until I turned around and saw this woman was blind. This ahah moment, for which I am beyond grateful, changed my life. I now look upon giving as a gift – which doesn’t mean I too do not have my needy moments.

The point is, few people ever have that ahah moment. They don’t understand and most people fear that which they cannot (or simply don’t want to) comprehend. They have expectations of the world around them which is usually quite disappointing. I’m not excusing your father’s behavior but I’m betting he just doesn’t get it. Compassion is something foreign to him.

Now having attempted to explain a possible why your father behaved abominably, doesn’t excuse bad behavior. When at my lowest, I found it necessary to remove as much negativity from my life as possible, which included some friends and family. This is easier said than done but my life is better without them in it. First and foremost, we must help ourselves.

No, you are not alone. Family dynamics is complicated and have always been a difficulty in most of our lives. Just know it’s okay to love someone without actually liking them. It’s also okay to not love them too.

I hope the next phase of your life is easier. Good luck,

Dale

[mmglobal]

Going through the surgical ordeal with more than 70 families now I’ve seen so many different family dynamics. At best it’s an amazingly difficult situation. Some people can set it all aside and just support one another in their time of need. Others carry their baggage in front of them and can't do anything without tripping over it.

While I’m very fortunate to have my support system, I’ve experienced some of what’s been written about. It took me a long time to realize that’s most of the people in our lives cannot understand what we are going through. We look OK. They’ve had their back pain. “I used to have back pain like yours, but now I stretch and do sit ups every morning and that takes care of it!” They can’t understand and more importantly, we can’t expect them to.

I don’t know what to say about your dad. It sounds like he’s responding to the past, not the present. I learned by example from my parents. Each crisis is an opportunity to show your loved ones how much you love them. It’s easy for me to say that because I’ve not been burned by doing this in the past.

I wish I had some great advice for you. It sounds like you going to have to dig out of this on your own. I hope you and your family can get past this in the future. It sounds like your surgery was something of a success, so you'll have a good chance. Hang in there.

Mark

[Hooch]

Ta for the insights.

Originally Posted by dshobbies

They have expectations of the world around them which is usually quite disappointing.

It’s also okay to not love them too.

I think so. I felt the the harder things got the better person I had to be. But I realise that a lot of people dont see much outside of what benefits them, and if they dont understand it it is someone elses problem. Which is fine for strangers, not so good for people u love.

I suspect I just have to let it go and leave them in the dust. Not the sort of thing u can do at a drop of a hat, but it'll happen slowly.

I know this wouldn't have a whole lot different if I had any other severe chronic, or even terminal disease frankly.. so on the brightside at least I found this out about the old fellah while ive got plenty of living in front of me. The op could've been a failure and I'd be stuck relying on these people for an extended period.. thank god that didnt happen. Thank god for that hey.

Thanks Dale, u've obviously been there, and everything u say rings true to me.

Chris.

[Hooch]

Yeah, I dunno, just sick of being betrayed. Emotionally in a world of hurt, after being rejected while I was in that state.

Ive fought people all my life and im tired sick of pulling knives out of my back it cant go on like this forever

[dshobbies]

Hooch,

I am a type A personality with red hair and all that goes with it. My temper rises quicker that would seem humanly possible. It used to be uncontrollable as it still is in my father and one son. There are some things that can get me going.

I think the first step in protecting yourself is to understand yourself. This is a lifelong process and not an easy one but if you want to relax and enjoy the rest of your life, a good intraspective look is necessary, as is complete honesty.

Does your father, or anyone else, react to you because of you or because of them? We are all products of our upbringing and if your father is a negative person, most likely, you are too. Compare yourself to someone you admire and to someone you don't. The results can really open your eyes.

Most people never have to closely examine their lives or thoses of their loved ones. But when some form of adversity enters our life, we become different. We are special and must deal with our special problems. How can we expect others to understand us if we don't understand ourselves?

At the end of the day, you go to sleep with yourself and wake up in the morning with the same person. You should get to know him. Then, gradually, when all is said and done, you'll be able to protect yourself and stop the knife throwing.

Through my entire ordeal, though my family has its share of problems, they were all quite supportive but still things were said and/or done that hurt. Going through this with an unsupportive family is an entirely different story. My hat is off to you!

Btw - slow, deep breathing is usually calming. Try no more than four breaths per minute.

Dale

[Hooch]

See that's the thing, I've already been through a massive ordeal years ago and am already familiar with the self-appraisal and learning it brings. So I hear what you're saying, but thanks, im already quite aware of it.

I was gutted when my old man quite clearly wouldnt support me emotionally, just rejected me when i was in tears, and it was very dissapointing as he hadnt changed. ive got 2 brothers and a mum who have very little to do with him.. i was somehow foolish and i think at some level felt guilty for him.. but there is nothing i can do for him.

But when he crossed to the other side of the fence and was clearly quite derogatory, to a bloke who is barely out of the hospital, he crossed a line and i am quite angry about it and i have every right to be.

The relationship with him is now terminated.

This is the funny thing. If you have a toxic parent, or a toxic brother, or a toxic partner.. they have to go.

Did you have someone tell you to 'have a nice life' and hang up on you a week after surgery Dale? Did you have that person just dissapear for a couple of months then call you up like you were best buddies? Have you had your old man repeatedly yelling for 15 min (not an exagerration) 'you are mentally ill', 'you have no friends', and inform you of his superior intellect (yes, really). Have you had your old man brazenly declare that if he suffered such a condition it wouldn't effect his friendships if he lost his job and became partially disabled and had to cross the country in search of medical help? Have you had that person blatantly deny the extent of your condition and flat out refuse to believe that you are at the point where you have trouble walking any distance, sitting and standing without constant severe pain?

I suspect you may have to tolerate a few of the pissy remarks and uncaring gestures from people who dont understand, but not a sustained assault.

I'm not really having a go at you, but this is the difference between normal people, and people who are toxic and abusive and just generally selfish to the point of delusion.

So that is why my old man is pretty well dead to me now. He lives, but the relationship dies, my care about him just dies.

So I struggle with that, and I will for a while yet, as I love him deeply and rekindled a relationship after years of abuse and dysfunction as I felt he could grow and move on.. but the same things about him that made him abusive and narcissitic in the first place unfortunately haven't changed at all, in some ways i feel they are worse, as I was clearly in such a terrible spot and suffering deeply, yet all that encouraged from him was indifference, disregard, and ultimately insanity.

He is sick, and for some reason he can't tolerate me as proud, independent, self-confident man, as it feeds some sort of bizarro inferiority complex. He needs a passive, submissive, easily manipulated non-person to feed his ego.

End of story.

And I'm gutted about it, but it'll heal eventually.

Anyway, thats me done. I think its just some sort of therapy, writing it down. I don't want or require anyone to 'fix' me, as im not broken. Just been through some terrible crap.

[dshobbies]

Hooch,

I hear you but I'm not too sure you're hearing yourself. You are broken. Until you can accept that this is just the way it is and stop wishing it could have been something else, you will carry this anger around with you.

No, my father never rejected me as yours did you but rejected in a different way, yes. I rebelled as a child, finally realizing why as an adult. It took years of carrying around this anger that you now feel before I finally accepted that was just the way it was. My family is my family. Those who I can tolerate, I still have a relationship with. With those who as you put it, are toxic, I have no relationship at all and I believe my life is easier for it - but all the anger is gone. The resentment is gone.

It took years to become accepting of that which I cannot change. Did I say years, it took decades.

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I've just walked a few steps in your shoes. It has taken me a long time to come to my own terms with my familial relationships. I'd like to recommend professional counceling for you. You're very angry and you have every right to be but carrying that around will serve you no purpose. Your anger will control you. You did nothing wrong yet your father blames you for whatever makes him feel better about himself. That's not on you, it's on him and intellectually you might understand this but emotionally, the scars are still fresh.

Letting go of the relationship while holding onto the anger - which anyone who reads your post can actually hear - will work against you. Anyone on this forum or elsewhere can offer words of support but only you can deal with your emotions.

I'm sorry for my longs posts. I'm simply trying to offer my support. And there is still so much more. It's okay to think of yourself first when you need to. Being needy is part of being human. Our entire lives are a compromise of give and take. It's not bad, it's the way it is. Give yourself all the time it takes and good luck,

Dale

[Hooch]

I know Dale, and thankyou but no thankyou to the counselling. Mt previous issue was due to psychiatric abuse.. im fully aware how that stigmatises me in many peoples eyes so it is almost never mentioned, but all this chronic pain over the past few years was a walk in the park compared to that. Provided the chronic pain would end someday.

The anger will come, then go, then come then go and eventually go if u let it. It doesnt matter if u trust my opinion on it or not but ive been through this before, most people have at some level or another.

But there is a process and there are no shortcuts, and part of that is time. And part of that is going into the forest along and screaming at the goddamn trees cos ur still alive.

Just leave me with it.. but ty for your support

[Maria]

Hooch,
I don't have much of a relationship w/my brother. Won't get into it but was really mad at him recently and had to just stuff it and do what I had to do and then known the degree of anger would die down. Not sure I wouldn't lash out anytime soon so want to be careful not to engage in much conversation w/him if any except over business matters.

I have had to let go of toxic relationships before. One that was within the last 5-6 years and was very painful/toxic. Person still lives very close by and I just stopped talking to him. So many feelings I had over those first few years and then finally getting to that realization about things being toxic and no way could this person change or at least not in interaction w/me. I'm pretty determined. Once I make up my mind to move along emotionally I make my mind go there and my heart usually follows. Then eventually the anger dies down into nothingness (acceptance of sorts or who gives a rat's arse). What is it.. denial, anger, grieving, acceptance.. guess I skipped a couple of stages but whatever they are they span thru everything in life pretty much.

Letting go is sometimes the best thing we can do no matter what the relationship of the person is to us. Sorry to hear your Dad has been this toxic person to you esp. when you needed him to come thru for you in extreme circumstances. We all have to move on the best way possible for our individual situation but it is pretty devasting when a family member is the person that we have that toxic relationship w/. Sucks. Sorry to hear it though you certainly sound capable of getting thru it.

[Hooch]

Originally Posted by dshobbies

Hooch,

I hear you but I'm not too sure you're hearing yourself. You are broken. Until you can accept that this is just the way it is and stop wishing it could have been something else, you will carry this anger around with you.

Letting go of the relationship while holding onto the anger - which anyone who reads your post can actually hear - will work against you. Anyone on this forum or elsewhere can offer words of support but only you can deal with your emotions.

I'm sorry for my longs posts. I'm simply trying to offer my support. And there is still so much more. It's okay to think of yourself first when you need to. Being needy is part of being human. Our entire lives are a compromise of give and take. It's not bad, it's the way it is. Give yourself all the time it takes and good luck,

Dale

I kept mum when I read this as I was copping so many knocks and waiting to see if I would be left to rot on partial disability support, on heavy medications, at a young age, but that is one of the grubbier statements I have read.

No one is 'broken' until some chump on the sidelines who risks nothing and contributes nothing says they are. You sitting there and telling someone who is already under intense pressure that they are 'broken' is only indicative of all the years you have wasted in therapy being treated in a similar manner. It is a disgusting statement that builds nothing and demeans us all.

Get stuffed Dale, and stick your pity up your backside. And yes I absolutely 'hear' myself thankyou very much, and did all along.

Go talk to your therapist/money pit about that one. Pro tip: the stock response is 'good luck and I hope you can sort out your issues', or some similar psychobabble garbage.

Chris.

[jsewell]

Hooch,
I now know what you were talking about in your original post. I have had lots of pain over the years from my back as well as other medical conditions. I had been married for 28 years and my husband abandoned me after my surgery in August. It was from t-7 through L-4 and quite a lot was done including extending my already long fusion. I was in lots of pain, couldn't drive, only one week out of the hospital when he decided to leave. No reason given he said he was leaving , i was shocked , totally shocked. Then he wouldn't talk to me or email me. All my attempts at communication were stopped. I learned a few weeks later that he had moved in with a girl he had just met around my surgery time. Probably why he never came to visit and sent my daughter to pick me up. We had a problem with a dead battery and i ended up walking quite a distance to get to a car to take me home from the hospital. His phone was turned off.

He has communicated just a little since that point. He has still basically left me with chronic pain and 4 kids to finish raising. He completely shut himself off from his kids, it is like we all don't exist anymore.
So now i do understand your pain. I started off very sad. But the bad treatment my kids have gotten from their dad has recently changed that to pure anger. My future is very shaky.
judy

[ADR seeker]

Hooch, a lot of people really suck and some families are just no damn good. Divorce them. Many doctors are the same cold uncaring bastards.

I would have doctors look at my MRI and tell me that I shouldn't be in "that much pain. The incompetent quack bastard would not even look or feel my muscle spasms.

Let's be honest, America sucks. We have become a hooray for me a screw everyone else culture. Our dirty government it's greedy mercenary and apathetic people.

As I have gotten older I think that monogamy and the family unit is a bad thing.

As to drunks. Beat the crap out of them on a regular basis. My best childhood friend was killed by a drunk driver. Drunks rarely reform so I say just take a baseball bat to them and give them a real reason to drink.

I used to attend Alanon and I came to the conclusion that the only good drunk is a dead drunk. I would hear these women whining about their abusive husbands and they'd end up pissing me off. Where were their fathers and their brothers? If anybody beat my sister they'd be in a coma and a body cast when I got done with them.

Then we have to consider God if there is one. He sucks. I would trade places with Jesus in a heart beat... a few ours of agony followed by 36 hours of sleep and then bliss. It's a better deal than what we get.

America is hated around the world for good reason. Our criminal FDA will not allow Americans to have the M6 and the NeoDisc not will they allow us to have DiscoGel. In the US the FDA owns our bodies.

[Maria]

I have thought some of the very same thoughts tho not everyday is like today or tomorrow. Hang on. Things can change as long as time is on your side. Can you pay your rent or mortgage, have food and shelter and medical care (basic) and whatever else is necessary to survive? If so just hang on. Life can change. It can be for the better.... I would say this .. when things are the most horrible pain wise we cannot base a sound decision from this point of view. If one can wait it out time may prove that changes can happen for the better. Please give yourself that opportunity.. anybody.