2.5 weeks out of the psych ward!

[lyssie]

Hey all!

How are you? I'm just conjuring up this post to talk about mental illness really.

I was initially diagnosed with severe obsessive compulsive disorder when I was 16 and severe depression so was put straight onto an antidepressant. Things got increasingly worse with distress and I was put onto a 1st gen antipsychotic. I was admitted to the child and adolescent, private young persons unit in Sevenoaks for 4 months.

Since then I've been a prolific self harmer :'(

I've come away this time from ACU with the diagnosis of (its a long one!) emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder.

I'm now on different antidepressant and antipsychotic (venlafaxine plus aripiprazole, which is thankfully a 2nd gen antipsychotic!).

I'm very swingy, they're wondering if I have a rare type of bi-polar disorder due to going from mania to suicidally depressed within all but a few days (generally its weeks, not days!).

Wondering if anyone else suffers from mental illness. Plus I think I may perhaps be speaking for most/all of us when I say that with the pain - the depressive cycle doesn't help. It's like: pain doesn't help the depression and the depression doesn't help the pain (which I find with trying to physically relax and spasticity etc.).

I hope that has made sense? (Please excuse me if I ramble at times - 'ramble' is a middle name of mine!) :P

Lyssie

[mmglobal]

Wow Lyssie, have you got your plate full or what?

It's tough enough going through spinal hell for the most fortunate of us. I can only imagine how much harder it is for those who have other significant issues to deal with too.

I hope you'll find some useful info here. Welcome!

All the best,

Mark

PS... what's ACU?

[Maria]

Hi Lyssie,
I wanted to respond to what you stated about the depression being so much worse with pain.

My back has stabilized over the many years I've had problems (30?) however I did find at the very height of my problems I definately was plummeting into deep depression. Especially when the pain was such that it so severely affected my mobility.

Many people think that use of pain medication is "weak" tho I think that one uses what one has to get by the best they are able and still function reasonably (or try to).

I hope your psych meds are helping with your "swingy-ness." As Mark stated you do have a full plate altho many people do with mixed medical and pychological diagnoses so one has to do the best they can and generally that's with the assistance of some major pharmaceuticals it would seem.

Hope you are able to get your pain fairly well controlled and that at least that in itself will be a lesser component of the depressive part of whichever condition you actually have.

[lyssie]

Hiya thank you so much for your lovely replies!
So sorry I've taken so long I've had a ton of problems with my back

I'm in a bit of a glazed overpaid in all honesty, I feel completely numb and I think my mind is prepping me for something wrong with my back (I will explain in another thread as its another subject) so it's all hazy mostly. Bit depressed yes, of course, but I just can't feel much emotionally. Having a rubbish time with family and also "friends" ;(

I'll make a new thread in the other topic x

[Maria]

Hi Lyssie,
I am actually very interested in the topic of mental health. I was an RN/NP during my career and stayed out of the Mental Health field. I think it was a bit too close to home for me (probably more of a depressive neurotic personality) tho recently I have seen many people come under the dx of bipolar (what used to be called manic depressive) and also borderline personality. I think often there can be overlapping symptoms and therefore diagnoses.

Do you find that the medications to treat your mental health are at all helpful for any of the back pain symptoms?

When I was severely depressed after failed back surgery (2nd one) I was told that the meds used would help the back pain. I think the only way that might have been true was I was in a haze but the back pain was ever present and so killer that I was even more depressed or so I felt at the time.

One of the meds that was tried on me for depression really created horrendous probs for me and the shrink at the time wanted me to stay on it 2 weeks which I just couldn't do because I realized how off kilter I was.. I mean I was sooo bad....

It's just such a fine line we go thru some times and sometimes the meds can really help and sometimes a medication can severely exaccerbate a certain very negative situation.

How're you doing now? What's going on w/your spine? I hope I'm not too inquisitive. My apologies if I seem so..

[takemyspine]

Physical illnessess can be tough on your psychological well being.

I will say 80% of the pain I had was psychological.

Do you work or go to school? What is you daily life like?

[Hooch]

Lyssie the treatment for mental illness is generally worse than the disease.

It may sound like a crock but all the diagnoses and drugs effectively victimise you and force you to adopt a sick role - or the role of a patient.

If this role is adopted for any extended period of time it is incredibly destructive to a person, and denies them the ability to grow and be all they can be - to be a powerful and independent individual.

Unfortunately younger people are more susceptible to this sort of manipulation and power games and control - as their personalities and sense of who they are is still developing.

You won't find this spoken about much anywhere. There is a book by Masson called 'Against Therapy' which sums up some of the arguments in a rather verbose manner.

Essentially your treating doctor or therapist goes home feeling like they have done something constructive, have helped someone, and they feel powerful. You go home feeling empty, directionless, like something is wrong with you, and you feel powerless.

Unless you are quite obviously psychotic, the stuff you have been diagnosed with, espescially the borderline personality disorder is just pseudoscientific rot and you should reject the diagnosis.


Unfortunately chronic pain and disability is such an unnatural and brutal condition, that you are bound to exhibit many 'symptoms' that mimic these so called disorders.

eg. if you cry for days because you are appalled by what is happening to your young life, and you feel like it is so incredibly unfair - well that can be considered psychosis or borderline behavior.

The reality is you are under intense pressure and somehow you are supposed to transition into adulthood while you are entering disability - as you say your mind is prepping you for something bad as the reality is bad things may happen.


As for self harm - you are just going to have to make a choice.

You are so young and are dealing with so much. There are many other young adults dealing with similar mental issues - but even people with 40 years on them get obliterated by pain. I've met one bloke online who must be 30 and he is just bloody evil and blames bystanders and even friends and acquaintances for his own problems.


All I can really say is don't be too hard on yourself - you're a lovely young woman and that has always been clear from your posts. You are also very strong and clearly have a big heart - and many people don't have big hearts.

Don't cut yourself. You'll regret it later and the scars will stay once the pain in your heart has healed or softened.