Getting panicky about ill friend. What do I do?

[Cindylou]

Hi everyone. I am really starting to get panicky about our dear friend who has stage 4 lung cancer. He took a drastic turn for the worse this past week. He is home now with an oxygen tank, hospice care, and all their grown girls finished arriving on Saturday evening. I think what I am getting panicky about is, even tho I sat with Sue (his wife) all afternoon and evening on Friday, I never got to see Terry. Again, when my husband and I took the food over Saturday evening, we only dropped it off, and once again, no opportunity to say our goodbyes. I totally get that the family needs "their time," and I got an email late last night from their one daughter who has taken on the task of updating their good friends. She mentioned that if people want to come visit, to email her and she is coordinating it all. Of course, he can only handle a few visitors at a time. When I emailed Libby back this morning, it occurred to me that perhaps I should mention that, even tho I have been over there, I have not seen her Dad once. (she was still driving from D.C. and wasn't there Friday. In fact she had arrived about 30 minutes before we arrived with the food on Saturday evening, so of course, she needed that time with her Dad. I would never dream to encroach on that.) But now, no word back from her. (I did call at 8:30 am this morning and got Chuck, a good friend who arrived Friday from Georgia, and is staying there. I believe he is handling phone duty.) But, of course, he didn't know what to tell me in terms of visiting. And no email back from Libby. I am honestly getting nauseous about not knowing his status............ok, I just called but no one picked up, which makes me more nervous. I know there is a houseful of people over there. Obviously, I don't "wait" well. Shouldn't someone be keeping his dearest friends better informed? I can't bear the thought of him dying without so much as a goodbye. Please advise me on this most uncomfortable etiquette.

Thank-you,

Cindylou

[dshobbies]

Cindylou,

I lost two good friends last year and each was handled differently. I don't believe an etiquette fits this situation. One friend, I've known since childhood, wanted to say good-bye. The other, my best friend, refused to see anyone for about the last month. I would never force myself on the grieving family who I only called every other day. I let them know I was there for them if they needed or wanted anything. At one point, my best friend got on the phone and told me never to call again. I was crushed but also realized that she was already gone... her disease and mediations had completely taken over.

So perhaps the family is trying to spare you any further heartache. Perhaps your friend has expressed certain desires and the family is trying, as best they can, to adhere to those desires.

I know this hurts but believe me, he knows how you feel. Voice your good-byes, even if privately. If you get the opportunity to do so in person, then of course, you will. If you don't, hold it against no one.

If you get the feeling you're being put off, there is probably a good reason. I feel for you during this very difficult time but also know that Sue will need you more than ever very soon. The grieving process is very individual. Please let her guide you and stay within her comfort level.

Dale

[Terry Allen Blackburn]

I agree wholeheartedly with Dale. Grieving is such an individualized experience, and the family may be satisfying his wishes. I did not get to see my Father, nor my Mother prior to their deaths. I did get to see my best friend in the world, 11 days before his death. I said my good-bye's in the best way imaginable, and possible. Hang in there CindyLou, and realize that he will be at peace soon, and with God.

Terry Newton

[Maria]

Cindylou,
I'm going to say something that might sound rude tho I don't mean for it to.

You're mentioning your feelings re getting panicky and worried and wanting to just visit, possibly say goodbye.

Right now I realize you don't know what your friend feels because you've not gotten a response re your email but I would have to think that the family is working with their father's best interest at heart and so probably he is very limited in tolerance for whom he can see when, if he can even tolerate visitors or be alert (or presentable in his mind) for them.

If it means you say goodbye in prayer or thought or a card/letter or some such gesture then perhaps it's what's meant to be in terms of your friend's health.

I think you have to be patient on this one and myself personally I wouldn't say anything further other than hoping to just have a very brief visit with your friend if at all possible.

As others have mentioned there is no certain etiquette re this situation. I hope perhaps you will soon hear from the daughter or a family member soon with regard to your email.

[Cindylou]

Thank-you all, once again, for the good advice. For some reason, I have not been able to access ISpine since yesterday afternoon. Just now trying, it popped up no problem, so I apologize for my delay in responding. So, after all my panic, it turns out he actually had a pretty good day yesterday. Ate more than he had over the weekend, has been hydrating voraciously. (he wasn't taking in any water over the weekend) Both my husband and I received a couple of emails around dinner time from Libby, and we are going over tonight at 6:30 pm to visit him, and Sue of course. They were all actually out of the house yesterday running some normal errands, accompanying Sue to her audiology appt., etc., leaving Terry in the good hands of the hospice nurse. (only silly me was sitting by the phone all day, afraid to run even one errand) Then another good friend who supplied dinner for them last night called me when she and her husband got home, and gave me a wonderful update. So............... I'm breathing again.

Thank-you all for the words of wisdom. Most appreciated.

Cindylou

[Cindylou]

Just got home from getting to visit our good friends tonight. My husband was really wanting some alone time with Terry, before my turn, but as it turned out, his energy level being so low, he wanted to see both of us at the same time. He was so coherent, it was amazing. He sat up on the side of the bed. Asked Rick to get his glasses so he could see while we talked. Terry and my husband worked together for close to 20 years before Terry took disability a year ago, so he really wanted to "talk business" which was way cool. I even snuck out so they could have some guy time together. I am now guessing he might have a couple of weeks left, seeing him tonight. I could be way off, but since I lost both my brother and my Dad to lung cancer, that is my best guess. Thank-you you all for the prayers and wisdom.

Cindylou

[Justin]

CL, I'm so happy that things worked out for both you and your husband Thanks for keeping us posted, and please let the forum know how Terry is doing in the near future as we do care.