[jessmith07]

Well, it's almost 1:00 and I just woke up. I ran out of sleeping pills, and forgot to go pick up my refill from the pharmacy. However, I'm feeling more at peace, albeit a bit restless. I think my increased dosage of my daily anxiety medication is starting to help. Sometimes I wish I could push "pause" on my children's neediness and selfishness as I know that they are a source of stress that under normal conditions I can handle with ease. My children are wonderful people and even on their worst days are better than some kids that I've seen on their best days, but they still go through the normal "it's all about me" and sometimes I want to scream at them, "Look at me, Darn it! No, It's NOT all about you! WHAT ABOUT ME?" But of course, I can't do that to them...they don't understand, and at this point in their lives, they really aren't supposed to. I grew up feeling like my mother's therapist, and a lot of the time, I felt like my mother's parent, and I just won't do that to my children.

And so, I have to breathe deep. They know that something's wrong. They ask if I'm okay, and then they ask can I do this, can I go here, don't forget about (fill in the blank), and on, and on...

God bless my husband for all the help he gives. He insisted we go out on a date tonight, and even though I really didn't want to, I went anyway, for him, and we went out to dinner, and we had a lovely time. We talked about looking forward to a time when the kids will be grown and won't be running us ragged, and we can find ourselves again, and I was thinking about how I can look forward to a pain free future with the love of my life...

And then it dawned on me...I can see HOPE...