Jess & all,
Living with constant pain, facing an uncertain surgery, dealing with financial issues - it all wears you down and robs you of your sanity. The fears and anxiety are overwhelming. These mere mortal descriptive words can't even begin to encompass the toll on your life and the effects to your family and friends.
If you know how to meditate, it can relax you, giving you the chance to cope just a little more. If not, it is very definitely worth looking into. I also recommend wearing a good back brace when in taxing situations. It was the only thing that allowed me to go out into the world. Though you ultimately might become dependent on the brace, so what. If it helps, it helps.
All of us here know about the crazies. We've all had/have them. It's a consequence of your situation. If you didn't have them, we'd probably all question your mental health
. As far as dealing with your feelings, we each managed to find our own way but try to smile, try to laugh, even if that laughter leads to tears.
I know it's tough
, my best, Dale