[Katie]

Honestly, and this is not going to be popular, but I used to have a beer. I don't drink...maybe have half a dozen a year, if that, but when I was totally overwhelmed, I'd have a bottle of light. I didn't like what I was doing, but it was the only way I could cope.

Some really 'smart' friends and family would offer suggestions like exercise, and could not understand why that would make things worse. The pain level would just escalate. Of course, this advice is coming from people who have barely had a headache in their lives.

I don' t know if you have tried this either but sometimes your doctor can prescribe ant-anxiety medication. I hate depending on this, but it is better than falling apart both physically and mentally.

I wish I could offer more...I'll put some more thought into it.

I do remember the day that I was first denied surgery by the Insurance. I was so sure I had done an awesome job of preparing my case. At that point, I still hadn't gotten sufficient pain control and was always on the edge of wanting to drop off the face of the earth. My friend and priest had driven down with me to get the letter from the courier, and there was so much red tape wording that I just didn't get it at first.

When it finally sunk in, I lost it...literally lost it. Screaming, yelling, sobbing and throwing things. This was so out of character for me, that I think everyone around was terrified that I was going to do something very wrong.

But it did work....it got all the nasties out of my system and allowed me to refocus. I don't know how you 'work', but perhaps a good belly wrenching cry will help. Just let it all out, and then regroup. Give yourself permission to be scared, to grieve for all the lost days, etc., and to throw away the stress.

So there's a few options for you. All of them have worked at different times for me, depending on the circumstances. For what it's worth, I think I will be doing through the same feelings when my surgery date gets closer. I think you are behaving normally and are incredibly brave. This is not a minor procedure. Be scared, then be brave...we will be with you all the way.