hey Jess,
Been there, done that. The 'crazies' occur when living with pain and/or before any surgery but for spine surgery, it's double. You have hopes and dreams but there's a very possible downside. Making an
informed decision means knowing that a negative outcome is, although not probable, possible. Some perfect candidates have seemingly negative results and other's, who have some history not in their favor, go on to live happily ever after. Some are in the middle.
There's also something that happens in the middle of the night, when all is quiet and everyone else is happily snoring away and you're prowling the dark, empty halls. The nervous tension that you experience all the time migrates out of your body and into the walls and floors. There, it grows and mutates into an abnormal psychosis, technically referred to as the ultra-crazies, which can then be transmitted back into your body, transdermally through osmosis. Ask Justin, he's a doctor and this is a medical fact
. There are several aspects to this phenomenon; depression, paralyzing fear, thinking adnormalities, concern for your future and that of your family and of course, the hatred of the more normal world.
Jess do you remember the first time you were pregnant? Was there anything you didn't think/worry about? Didn't any blip/symptom send you into a blithering idiot where you imagined the worst and beyond? That's exactly what's happening now. Having a baby, though the vast majority are born without any medical fanfare, has it's complications. But that didn't stop you. And though you still worry constantly about your children, the chances of them growing up and the cycle repeating are pretty good.
I'm not trying to liken children to your back, just to similarities to the crazies. I'm 3 1/2 years post op and any twinge still sends my imagination into the cosmos. That's who we are and will always be. Your husband doesn't understand because he hasn't experienced either pregnancy or living with pain. He wants to comfort you but has no idea what you're going through. Of course he's saying 'there, there now. Everything will be okay' because that's what we all say.
You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they are. Don't worry about what others think. If the c's or uc's overtake you, so be it. It is what it is. You have enough to worry about. I know it's hard, but try to smile. It does lift the spirit, however temporarily.
Dale