[Kathy]

Runner- I am so sorry you had such a crappy discogram. Sounds like Murphys law was in full effect that day. Don't be hard on yourself because you are a nurse and should do better. The drugs really jack up the brain (or the shell of it in my case). I say and do some really stupid shit sometimes, in my drug fog. My hubby is always like, you need to get off all that crap. Like, sure, I'll just quit taking it and just lay in bed and pray for death all day! Sounds like a plan to me. No one can understand the pain that we live in EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES. Even if it is "only" a 3 or 4 with medication, it is always there. It is extremely frustrating when the it'll be all right attitude or the famous, get over it, see this great dr and they can fix you. I have been exactly where you are right now. I was scared of what I might do, I knew that I was close to having that moment of insanity and ending it all. I didn't care that I had a family, kids, a life to live (cause it really didn't feel like much of one); I just wanted the suffering to stop, to be done. I didn't want to live in this kind of pain, who does. I felt like my family would be better off without me, that they could be rid of the cost of my medical, get a 'new' mom and have life insurance money and it would all be fine. I now know this is just insane; but seemed pretty rational at the time. I was and am very fortunate to have a good friend who has suffered back pain and depression, that I could talk to and be honest with (and she didn't think I was crazy). I'm sure your just venting; but please tell your doctor how you feel. I have found that the only time they take your pain seriously is when you let go of your inhibitions and let it all out. I have sat and cried, whined, complained and flat out told the doctor that I wanted to die and that it was a good thing I did not own a gun. This is when I finally saw action and compassion, they saw my desperation and realized that something had to give. This is so against my nature, as I hate to be 'debbie downer'; but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Go in and let it ALL out! Let em' have it, promise it will get results I'm praying for you and I am here if you need someone to talk to, yell at, cry with, or whatever. I totally understand what you are going through. Hugs, Kathy