Yes I regret the outcome. But I had no choice. My position was untenable. But now it is again, more so.
There is such horror, in life.
After 5 operations including adr excision left me with arachnoiditis and extensive nerve damage. I cannot sleep.
The situation wasn't helped by the gross incompetence of one Nicholas Boeree, who inserted the disc way off centre and fed himself and me blatant lies.
But he drove his motorbike into a truck, and I think he may have had a bit on his mind.
But ultimately it does not matter how I got here. I am here, at 34, and that is that. I don't know how I will survive as they refuse to pension me. It will be a hard and lonely life for me.
What I do regret is meeting the one I would have married, one who I loved without condition, and losing her as I was effectively disabled and unable to support her.
What I regret most of all is the time that is lost.
I was disabled by 28. Disabled again in a much worse fashion at 34.
Somewhere in there is 20 years of life, of raising a family, and of loving others and playing a productive role. Of LIFE.
That is what I've missed out on, due to the gross incompetence of surgeons.
I knew all this going in. At 28.
No one deserves that, at that age.
I can't explain what some of my friends did to me. The true friends just left me. Others attacked me, with joyful abandon.
I apologised to Lauren, and I was sorry for what I did. But I loved her with all my heart, and she asked me to wait for her.
And I did not know what those surgeons had done to me then. So I went back out into the world and fought like hell to rebuild, without knowing what was wrong with me. Only knowing that something was wrong.
But I could sleep then, yeah? I didn't have severe nerve damage, and I didn't have to take the massive drug doses with all the horrible psychological effects of lyrica. If I don't take them, I wake up every 15 minutes.
That's what they've done to me. It is criminal. But like all true crimes, they move on, and you live with the consequences forever.
It's not that I regret having the original surgery, as such. I was 28. I had this immense and powerful urge to build a life, and to start a family. I could not do any of that when I was essentially disabled.
So what choice did I have, if I wanted to live?
I think the truth is most people in this situation go through it after 50, and a large percentage end up disabled.
What I regret is what I've missed out on, what I could have given in those 20 years.
When I was 18, they told me I was mentally incompetent and would never become somebody. After I went to them for help. These doctors, they are so grossly foul and incompetent. I fought my way back from that and achieved much, after having to learn horrible lessons such as the poison of 'help'. How people put themselves on a pedestal, above the poor tragics they 'help'. I was friggen 16, for God's sake. They are insane.
So when they finished me permanently, physically, due to their gross incompetence again. Dragged it out of over 5 years. Tortured me with the hope, fixed me, took it away again after 6 months. I was so angry when it turned out their incompetence was never isolated to the spiritual, but to the corporeal as well. And it became so obvious what the history of medicine was, and the horrible things that have been are done to people in the name of it.
But the one thing that was not obvious, was the how or the why, and why I could not stand up after that operation. I suppose I only had a sense that something was wrong, and that Lauren was gone. Yet I achieved so much, in such pain. I took no medication, you see. But now I have entered a grosser disability, the complex one you see a lot on these forums, and few work. Most retire, if they are able.
I am managing to hold onto a phd atm. That will have to end soon. I am good at it, years of development in chemistry and engineering, intellectually I am still somewhat there even with the drugs. I would carve a career out of it easily, if God gave me my capabilities. I cannot return to work. I just can't keep a schedule as I cannot sleep, I am in obvious pain and the lyrica makes me not right in the head. With the ability to sleep and not take drugs, this for me is nothing. I don't mind some functional disability. If I could just sleep and stand up, it'd be ok. Guys like me, at my age, we get sent off to semi-employment. Menial casual work. That's what they've done to me, and where they've sent me in social class.
Do you know after having that friggen disc cut out of me, I ended up running an asphalt plant? It's unheard of you know. Take the burden off me, and I drive forward and achieve. That should have been my future, for 5 or 10 years. Maybe 20? God knows I worked and strived for it.
In the end4 I ended up getting dragged to court after a close friend shit all over me when the massive revision failed a year later. I didn't trust anyone until I gave it 6 months to see if it would hold. Got a house back, some friends - my DOG! A man must be able to look after his dog (I lost her now). Then I trusted everyone, as it was stable. And had it all taken from me. Not knowing what was happening to me, fought it all the way. But mentally breaking down as each operation suceeded then failed. 'I don't burn my bridges, I blow them right up'. I know the truth behind that statement is just that of someone who has sworn they would never go back to their state of illness. It was a pointless act, from a bitter person. I had the operations so I could be with my friends, who I loved. I am not like them. But I have done some wrong things.
I was always so afraid of this, but it is here now. I am sorry for what I did to Lauren. She accepted my apology, cos she never wanted this for me. She wanted me to go on and build elsewhere. and she knew I loved her.
Take care
|