Lyssie the treatment for mental illness is generally worse than the disease.
It may sound like a crock but all the diagnoses and drugs effectively victimise you and force you to adopt a sick role - or the role of a patient.
If this role is adopted for any extended period of time it is incredibly destructive to a person, and denies them the ability to grow and be all they can be - to be a powerful and independent individual.
Unfortunately younger people are more susceptible to this sort of manipulation and power games and control - as their personalities and sense of who they are is still developing.
You won't find this spoken about much anywhere. There is a book by Masson called 'Against Therapy' which sums up some of the arguments in a rather verbose manner.
Essentially your treating doctor or therapist goes home feeling like they have done something constructive, have helped someone, and they feel powerful. You go home feeling empty, directionless, like something is wrong with you, and you feel powerless.
Unless you are quite obviously psychotic, the stuff you have been diagnosed with, espescially the borderline personality disorder is just pseudoscientific rot and you should reject the diagnosis.
Unfortunately chronic pain and disability is such an unnatural and brutal condition, that you are bound to exhibit many 'symptoms' that mimic these so called disorders.
eg. if you cry for days because you are appalled by what is happening to your young life, and you feel like it is so incredibly unfair - well that can be considered psychosis or borderline behavior.
The reality is you are under intense pressure and somehow you are supposed to transition into adulthood while you are entering disability - as you say your mind is prepping you for something bad as the reality is bad things may happen.
As for self harm - you are just going to have to make a choice.
You are so young and are dealing with so much. There are many other young adults dealing with similar mental issues - but even people with 40 years on them get obliterated by pain. I've met one bloke online who must be 30 and he is just bloody evil and blames bystanders and even friends and acquaintances for his own problems.
All I can really say is don't be too hard on yourself - you're a lovely young woman and that has always been clear from your posts. You are also very strong and clearly have a big heart - and many people don't have big hearts.
Don't cut yourself. You'll regret it later and the scars will stay once the pain in your heart has healed or softened.
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