[dshobbies]

Hooch,

I hear you but I'm not too sure you're hearing yourself. You are broken. Until you can accept that this is just the way it is and stop wishing it could have been something else, you will carry this anger around with you.

No, my father never rejected me as yours did you but rejected in a different way, yes. I rebelled as a child, finally realizing why as an adult. It took years of carrying around this anger that you now feel before I finally accepted that was just the way it was. My family is my family. Those who I can tolerate, I still have a relationship with. With those who as you put it, are toxic, I have no relationship at all and I believe my life is easier for it - but all the anger is gone. The resentment is gone.

It took years to become accepting of that which I cannot change. Did I say years, it took decades.

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I've just walked a few steps in your shoes. It has taken me a long time to come to my own terms with my familial relationships. I'd like to recommend professional counceling for you. You're very angry and you have every right to be but carrying that around will serve you no purpose. Your anger will control you. You did nothing wrong yet your father blames you for whatever makes him feel better about himself. That's not on you, it's on him and intellectually you might understand this but emotionally, the scars are still fresh.

Letting go of the relationship while holding onto the anger - which anyone who reads your post can actually hear - will work against you. Anyone on this forum or elsewhere can offer words of support but only you can deal with your emotions.

I'm sorry for my longs posts. I'm simply trying to offer my support. And there is still so much more. It's okay to think of yourself first when you need to. Being needy is part of being human. Our entire lives are a compromise of give and take. It's not bad, it's the way it is. Give yourself all the time it takes and good luck,

Dale