[chiku]

On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat

>>"senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and

>>gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down

>>the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the

>>appearance of your flight attendants."

>>

>> ______________________

>>

>>

>> On landing, a West jet stewardess was heard to say:

>>"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to

>>leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

>>

>> ____________________

>>

>>

>> Also from West jet: "There may be 50 ways to leave

>>your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay

>>attention!"

>>

>> _________________

>>

>>

>> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope

>>you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you

>>for a ride."

>>

>> ___________________________________

>>

>>

>> As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a

>>stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,

>>big fella. WHOA!"

>>

>> _____________________________

>>

>>

>> After a particularly rough landing during

>>thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight

>>announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments

>>because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has

>>shifted."

>>

>> _____________________________

>>

>>

>> From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome

>>aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,

>>insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just

>>like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate

>>one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

>>

>> _________________________________

>>

>>

>> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks

>>will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and

>>pull it over your

>> face.

>>

>> If you have a small child traveling with you, secure

>>your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with

>>more than one small child, pick your favourite.

>>

>> _____________________________

>>

>>

>> The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's

>>speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some

>>broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

>>Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than

>>Southwest Airlines."

>>

>> _____________________________________

>>

>>

>> Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; In the

>>event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to

>>shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments."

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>>

>> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in

>>the overhead

>> area.

>>

>> Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose

>>before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

>>

>> _____________________________

>>

>>

>>

>> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of

>>your belongings.

>>

>> Anything left behind will be distributed equally

>>amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or

>>spouses."

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>>

>> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta

>>airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in

>>the industry.

>>

>> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>>

>> Heard from a flight attendant on a West jet Airlines

>>flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That

>>was quite a bump and I know what you're all thinking... I'm here to

>>tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's

>>fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the

>>asphalt."

>>

>> ___________________________

>>

>>

>> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into

>>Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the

>>final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an

>>extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and

>>Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with

>>your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

>>airplane to the gate!"

>>

>> ________________________________

>>

>>

>> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than

>>perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain

>>Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

>>

>> ____________________________

>>

>>

>> A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal a few

>>years ago that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds,

>>he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very

>>hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first

>>officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the

>>passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat, "Thanks for flying our

>>airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor

>>landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt

>>to avoid any smart comments that might result.

>>

>>

>>

>> Finally there was only one little old lady left to

>>exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she

>>approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind

>>if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What

>>is it?"

>>

>> "Did we land or were we shot down?"

>>

>> ____________________________________

>>

>>

>> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the

>>Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain

>>in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the

>>aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire

>>smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open

>>the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

>>terminal."

>>

>> _________________________________

>>

>>

>> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

>>"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the

>>next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies

>>in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

>>

>> _________________________________

>>

>>

>> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After

>>reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an

>>announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your

>>captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New

>>York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we

>>should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.

>>OH, MY GOD!!!"

>>

>> >> Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain

>>came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so

>>sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the

>>flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended

>>up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

>>

>>

>>

>> A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You

>>should see the back of mine!

>>