[jchebert1979]

After posting about how great I felt after surgery the inevitable crash came and a day after I did a complete 180. I felt horrible, I thought I made the wrong choice, I hurt so bad, etc. Well, Monday night I had a breakthrough and have been feeling a little better each day since. The nerve pain that was driving me to suicide is almost gone.

What I am left with is severe muscle spasms in the neck and upper/mid back. These feel more like I've been hit or I had the most painful workout and am the most sore of my life. It is still very painful, but it's a different kind of pain, one that I can tolerate. It is so improved that I find myself forgetting to take my pain medicine. Last night I was up all night with muscles spasming and releasing --- it felt so good. I woke up in a whole lot of pain, but at the same time I felt great. I don't have to consciously control my breathing by not inhaling or exhaling too deeply anymore because the pain isn't there.

What I find amazing is that the worst symptoms were the ones that every single doctor said was impossible to be coming from my spine. The dizziness and blurred vision are an example. I can't explain it but the pain would shoot into my face and if I turned my eyes (without moving my head) I could feel the electricity in my hand. Of course I stopped telling them about that symptom a long time ago when they started suggesting I was crazy. It is gone though. I knew it and I was right. I can hear, smell, and taste much better now. The ringing in my ears is going away. That symptom felt like I got clapped around my ears at all times. I can actually feel the tightness in my ears release when the ringing stops.

By far the worst symptom was the inability to "feel" the time. It may sound crazy but if I think of each day of the week, each month, each season or holiday, a certain feeling comes to mind. That feeling was blocked by pain. There was no difference between Monday and Friday, February or July, and Christmas or Thanksgiving. I knew what day it was but I could not feel it, if that makes any sense. The morning felt exactly the same as the afternoon or night and it was all pain. The pain preventing me from thinking "what I am I going to do tomorrow?" It was more like, "How am I going to get through the next five minutes?" That is starting to lift. I woke up this morning feeling a gray, overcast Friday and if feels just like it used to before this pain.

My plan of action now is to begin doing myofascial release with a doctor here and maybe prolotherapy and/or trigger point injections. I will have to wait a minimum of 6 weeks for the massage though. He feels that it will take care of the remaining pain and I am confident as well.

Even with all the pain, I'm getting better and better each day. I feel that tingle when a good song comes on the radio now. It's not a shock of pain anymore. I find myself thinking about what I would like to do and not "what can I do to distract myself from the pain". It just keeps getting better and better. I don't know how someone in so much pain can feel so good, but it's happening for me. I'm going to knock on wood and hope that I don't jinx myself.

I told this to Mark and I may have mentioned it before, but if I recover enough to physically be able to I will return to school for medicine. I have already spoken to my boss about it and I would be able to shift my work hours to 12-8 or 1-9 and take at least the college curriculum while still having a high paying job. I would also be able to do course work while at work when we are not busy.

I just could not live with myself if I did nothing to improve others who are facing similar situations. I do not believe my hands will be steady enough to be a surgeon, but there are enough skilled surgeons, it is the diagnostics that are lacking. I lie awake at night thinking of how I would run my practice. Like hiring only those with the most compassionate and caring personalities, having work days from Tuesday to Saturday in order to be more accessible, and having zero gravity chairs in the waiting rooms for the patients in severe pain. I have big dreams and hope that I am able to physically follow through. I want to be the doctor that I never had.

I was very nervous to write this post because it seems as if every time I make a positive improvement and post about it I get struck down. I just felt so good today that I had to post about it.