5/31/09
I hope I am not rambling and posting too much for everyone but writing it down really helps me deal with the constant anxiety that I am having.
Last night was really rough. I could not get into a position that did not put pressure on my lower neck and upper back. This is not something that pain medicine would help either. Once my neck flexes to a certain point the pain stops me from moving any farther.
What was interesting is how many times I urinated last night. I don't remember drinking any more liquid than normal, yet I had to urinate 4 times last night. Also the volume was quite large each time. The best thing about it was they actually felt relieving. For so long any type of valsava manuever would cause immense head pain. This includes breathing too deeply, bending over, urinating, defacating, or moving too quickly. For the first time in two years it was not painful in my head to pee.
I feel myself struggling with a lot of anxiety now. This anxiety is different than what I had before the surgery. Before it was like my body was stuck in fight or flight mode. Sounds, smells, movement, tastes, and any emotion would cause this radiating electricity shocking pains from my neck into my chest and throughout my whole body. I could not feel any emotion good or bad because it would cause my body to physically react. Eating caused massive pain. My thoughts were an endless loop of fragments because any stimulus set off pain. Every day was like waking up to a nightmare and the absolute worst was not being able to feel any type of relief in any way. For example, if you are up on your feet for a while and you sit down, you will have a small feeling of relief. I could not feel that. The pain had taken over all senses and feeling that makes one human.
Now that disgusting feeling of non-relief is fading slightly and it is being replaced by anxiety of it coming back. Even with this anxiety I have another feeling that I have not had since my pain started. It is hope. For two years I was incapable of feeling it and to be honest the only reason I am still alive was the thought of what it would do to my family if I died. I can remember praying to be depressed just so I could feel something besides pain.
I know I still have a long journey ahead of me and it will not be easy, but I think now that I can actually feel hope, I will be able to make it.
The day after surgery
Three days after surgery
